posted
It's clearly been too long since I've submitted something. Here goes...
quote: Henry rose to his feet, a glass of chardonnay balanced between his fingers. “You know I’m always interested in new off-world art,” he said.
“Well why else would I have invited you over? Would you like to see it?”
Henry shot me a knowing look. “Of course. Lead the way.”
We left my salon, heading deeper into the house. “Now I don’t want to ruin the debut for you, but there is something you should know,” I said as we entered a dim corridor.
“Such as? Is it shocking? Pornographique? Magnifique? Degoutant?”
I shook my head. “No, none of those. It’s… they have this kind of stone out on Betelgeuse IV, some kind of mimetic granite.”
[This message has been edited by Wolfe_boy (edited November 17, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 17, 2009).]
posted
I like the dialogue here. It is top rate. I also found the hook subtle, but enough to make me turn the page.
Posts: 96 | Registered: Nov 2009
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posted
Sounds interesting (has an appealing flavor), but not sure I'm hooked.
First line needs a comma after "new".
It might have just been me, but I didn't understand that the POV character was speaking in line 2 - it could have been a third character in the room. It wasn't until "Henry shot me a knowing look." that I understood this, so I was a little confused trying to get my bearings. Perhaps if the first line ended "he told me" so we know who(m?) he's speaking to.
Also, the line
quote: “Such as? Is it shocking? Pornographique? Magnifique? Degoutant?”
caused me to stumble. (Try saying "Such as? is it..." out loud. When I try it I have to put a l-o-n-g pause where the "?" is to make it less awkward to say, but on the page it looks like the pause should be very short. Maybe it would be smoother if there was something more inserted, like
quote: “Such as?" Henry raised his eyebrows. "Is it shocking? Pornographique? Magnifique? Degoutant?”
The idea of mimetic granite is interesting - but not enough to make me want to read further.
posted
I suppose I'm unusual in that for me, subject matter is the primary "hook." Whether or not the story is about something interesting to me is in the end the most important factor by far.
In the very begining it is a little hard to be sure whose talking. Of course chances are low that someone actually reading it would even notice that.
quote:Henry rose to his feet, a glass of chardonnay balanced between his fingers. “You know I’m always interested in new off-world art,” he said.
“Well why else would I have invited you over? Would you like to see it?”
Henry shot me a knowing look. “Of course. Lead the way.”
I was thrown out by the me - because up until this time I was trying to figure out who was speaking, and had assumed a third person point of view. Since in the first paragraph the reader only encounters Henry, the dialog in the second is unattributed, and the reader is not going to automatically assume it's the narrator speaking.
Unfortunately this threw me out, hard.
I think with a little massaging I'd continue reading though, I like what appears to be an interesting contrast between the characters.
[This message has been edited by BenM (edited November 17, 2009).]
posted
In my opinion, the story really starts on the fourth line. The first three seem more to me like an intro. So one way to start it would be: "I led Henry into a dim corridor at the heart of my house. 'Now, I don't want to ruin the debut for you...'"
And I agree with what Ben said about the shift to first person; it surprised me as well.
posted
I agree with BoredCrow. For me, te first two lines are "as you know, Bob..." dialogue and don't quite ring true. They set the scene for the reader, but I'm not sure they are really needed; you con work sufficient context into the real meat of the conversation.
And I have no idea what mimetic granite will be, but I'd read on to find out.
When I got to line 3, I couldn't decide what POV to use - first, third, Henry's or mine (Bryn's), how close, etc. Seriously, paralyzed for 15 minutes, figured I just needed to move on and I went ahead with what came naturally, but I know from the get-go I was in third and I should have just stuck there. Funny as hell that everyone else caught it too, or maybe not so funny as we're all pretty close readers.
I'll think about the opening. I was doing some stage setting and wanted to define the two characters somewhat before we run into... well, what we run into... maybe it's a detail I can fit in later.
I'm batting 5 for 7 on the hook thingy. Anyone want a full?
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