posted
Xiu watched in silence as they laid the body into the dirt. Beside him, TienSan’s mother wept, and his father kept a sturdy arm over her shoulder. Was he supporting her, or keeping her from running to embrace the lifeless corpse once more?
As the shovels began tossing dry soil onto the linens of the bodywrap, TienSan’s mother broke. Only, she didn’t embrace the body. She grabbed Xiu instead.
“You always were his best friend.” She sobbed, then corrected herself. “No. You were as his brother. That means you are also my son. Thank you for loving my boy.”
Xiu said nothing. How could he admit that it was he who murderd her son?
This is an intro for a short story for possible WoTF entry, or OSC's boot camp, or if those fail, just random submissioning. Also, if anyone knows Chinese and could help me with some names, that would be wondermous.
[This message has been edited by Teraen (edited November 19, 2009).]
posted
Can't say I have many issues with it. Seems solid.
The dialogue though seemed odd to me.
quote:“No. You were as his brother. That means you are also my son. Thank you for loving my boy.”
felt more like broken english, but if they were speaking native tongues it would be translated as clear as the POV thoughts. But, if your desire is to have him be a fluent english speaker, but she is not fluent, then I guess it worked. Just not sure on each voice yet.
posted
OK, I have a big problem with the first paragraph - we get too many people introduced and not enough clarity as to who is what.
quote:Xiu watched in silence as they laid the body into the dirt. Beside him, TienSan’s mother wept, and his father kept a sturdy arm over her shoulder. Was he supporting her, or keeping her from running to embrace the lifeless corpse once more?
First sentence - who are "they?" and how is "the body"? Second sentence - TienSan's mother weeping implies but does not confirm that TienSan is the name of the person being buried, but we don't get a sex, so "his" father could be TienSan's father, or could be Xiu's father (we don't know Xiu's sex either). So we have at least four people, plus the unnamed "they" (this is actually an instance where the passive migght work better - "watched as the body was laid into the dirt" avoids the appearance of "them" for now).
Other than that, the hook is perfectly adequate.
Oh, and I write a lot of Chinese fantasy, though I don't know Chinese, so I'm happy to help with names if you want.
posted
First, your title has been used a lot. Just google it and you'll find a couple novels and a fantasy short on Every Day Fiction. Second, that name was unpronounceable by my mental voice. I like the ethnicity of it, but I would be distracted every time I read it. I always think that if your audience are English speakers you might as well pick a name that wont cause them to pause and chew for awhile.
My thoughts on the story echo tchernabyelo's. You have a perfectly hooky hook, but a lot of names and pronouns that are confusing in your first paragraph. I can't get a picture of the "blocking" in my head. Who's standing where? Who's the POV character?
posted
Not to throw her under the bus, but Arriki's profile here says she knows chinese. Maybe you can ask her about the names.
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