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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » The Captain's Coat 1900 Word Fantasy

   
Author Topic: The Captain's Coat 1900 Word Fantasy
Owasm
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As a NaNo decompression activity, I wrote this piece. It is as much poetry as it is prose.

I'd like a reader or two's opinion.

First 13:

So why do I have to be the one to die? The one to sink beneath the waves and drift down through flashing schools of fish and curious sharks. The one to slowly descend like a leaf on a fall day, down, down, as a snack for Sargosan, Keeper of the Seas?

But yet I stand before a long, long board. My feet unshod with socks or shoes. My captain's braid now adorns anothers' breast. My boots have found two new denizens to stink inside its dark recesses. At least my tailored shirt, with the embroidered sacred symbols of my clan, still keeps the sun from burning my white flesh. My breeches still cover my private parts, but not for any mercy or forbearance by those who's pointed swords so viciously poke at my back. It is because I am the largest man on the deck and my clothes fit no one else.


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arriki
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Cut the “so.” And also remove “as a snack for S….” That breaks the poetic rhythm or mood. Find something else -- down down into the twilight world. Or something more sensitive and poetic. Just my opinion.

Is he about to “walk the plank” -- ??? If he his, why not drop the “but yet” ---
Now you’re starting a list. Good, but once you’ve said “unshod” I don’t think you need to go on with the socks and shoes.

My captain’s braid – go on and show us what basxxxx is wearing it or making a joke of it.

The boots are plural so it will be “their” rather than "its" and give us a picture of who this group is that’s making him walk the plank. You know, it could be the brave English Captain or the gallant pirate. Let us see and identify both sides.

Umm, those who’s pointed – nope. That would really read out as those who is pointed….
You want good old English possessive case – those whose pointed….

I think you can see how I would like to see this progress. Be more elegant unless or until you want a sharp contrast of anger…or something.


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LlessurNire
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I get a clear picture of a captured captain about to walk the plank. A little bit of a cliche idea, but can definitely be approached from a unique angle and made original, that all depends on what follows the 13.

I agree with arriki, cut the 'So' at the beginning. I don't mind the mention of Sargosan, but cut 'keeper of the seas.' Maybe combine with arriki's idea and say 'Sargosan's twilight world.'

The rest I agree with Arriki.

Pretty good first 13, in order for me to want to read on I would need something to pique my curiosity. Maybe a hint at why they're making him walk the plank, or who 'they' are (maybe a unique type of pirate?) or why he is the largest man on deck, is he something special? Just my opinions...


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satate
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I'll read, you can send it to me.
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stutson
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The phrases feel more flowery than the content implies to me. They're trying to kill me!

Maybe that's good -- indicative of an educated, cultured person with a wry point of view on life? Depends on where it goes.

Seems out of sync for a sea captain in an era of pointy things. I'd want to read at least a little further to figure that out.


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BenM
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I'll read, if you're happy to have a response in a day or three.
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Bent Tree
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quote:
So why do I have to be the one to die? The one to sink beneath the waves and drift down through flashing schools of fish and curious sharks. The one to slowly descend like a leaf on a fall day, down, down, as a snack for Sargosan, Keeper of the Seas?

But yet[[You can omit one of these words as they mean the same thing]] I stand before a long, long board. My feet unshod with socks or shoes. My captain's braid now adorns anothers' breast. My boots have found two new denizens to stink inside its[[their]] dark recesses. At least my tailored shirt, with the embroidered sacred symbols of my clan,[[This seems to be out of character thing to say...to descriptive for the tone of the situation.]] still keeps the sun from burning my white flesh. My breeches still cover my private parts[[This too seems out of character]]those who's pointed swords so viciously poke at my back. It is because I am the largest man on the deck and my clothes fit no one else.


I think the main issue I had with this was the voice. As told in a first person narrative, the context seemed far too telling and lacking in real characterization. Of course I just got through reading the "Pirate Primer" which is a comprehensive guide to pirate and rogue language. Therefore My scope might be keener thanmost readers at this very moment, but at the same time that is the reason why I read it was so I could convey realism in my stories in this genre.

Otherwise I liked the premise. I don't read enough of this genre to know if the theme is cliche as someone before me mentioned, bu I think that I would give it a chance if the voice were truer and more compelling.

[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited November 25, 2009).]


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