Let me know what you think.
***

Charlie Moore sat in a booth in a dark corner of the bar watching the room. He was meeting a pilot to contract a ride on a small freighter that he hoped would slide under the notice of the Corporations that were looking for him. He had stayed too long. And while he could try relocating to another continent, it would be safer just to get off this planet.
He scanned the crowd for weapons. It had become a habit now. Years of sitting in an office drawing up labor agreements had never prepared him for this. Two years of running and the necessity of survival had forged this new self. It was true that he was smarter and stronger for the experience but it was starting to wear him down. Stealing a planet was certainly not
***

Version 2:

Charlie Moore stood in the shadow of a doorway scanning the busy street. Skimmers slid past as people from planets all over the galaxy scurried to catch their flights. The dock he needed to get to was on the east end of the spaceport but he had already seen two Corp agents in the crowd. Nothing about their dress told him which company they were from. It didn’t really matter. They were all looking for him. In the two years since he had stolen the planet he always stayed a step ahead. This time he was a step behind.
Pulling his hat down Charlie waited for a large group to approach and stepped into the flow of people. A glance ahead told him there was an agent off to the left. The man didn’t
***

Oh heck, here's the original version. Maybe it is where it's supposed to start, cliche or not. All opinions welcome.

Charlie sat up with a groan on the cold slab of stainless steel his captors called a bed. They had finally caught him. Two years of hiding and ducking his way around the quadrant and his luck had run out. The bounty they had put on his head had every wannabe bounty hunter looking for him while the other half of the system hid him. His head pounded from what he guessed was a very heavy stun ray but he wasn’t entirely sure what had happened. If he ever figured out who got him he would have to pay them a visit, a nasty visit. Swinging his feet over the edge of the bed caused his vision to sway and blur. Closing his eyes he gripped the edge tightly to keep himself upright. Sitting perfectly still the pain slowly subsided.

I came up with a mix of the two new ones. I looked over my old work and discovered that I probably need to rewrite the whole thing. Guess I'll get to put that NaNo training to good use.

Final Version: (Still open to critique.)

Charlie Nova stood in the shadow of a doorway scanning the busy street. Skimmers slid past as people from planets all over the galaxy scurried to catch their flights. The docks were full today and with a little luck he would be able to use that to his advantage.
He scanned the crowd for weighted pockets and bulging coats to see who carried weapons. It had become a habit now. Years of sitting in an office drawing up labor agreements had never prepared him for this. Two years of running and the necessity of survival had forged this new self. It was true that he was smarter and stronger for the experience but it was starting to wear him down.
The dock he needed to get to was on the east end of the

[This message has been edited by genevive42 (edited December 12, 2009).]

For me it's because in 13 lines you have placed your character in a new situation (always one step ahead and now one step behind) and given me a cool hook (planet stealing).

In 1 you had the hook at the end but the beginning was like tchernabyelo said, too generic.

In 3 you dropped the hook and added stuff about the character's past. If I had to pick, in this particular instance, I'd pick the hook.
I'm not saying background info that shows how much a character has gone through (like, "I used to knit for a living and now I'm using my needles to stab people") can't hook me. In this instance, as it is written, I don't feel it's better than the hook or establishing how his situation has changed (the one-step-bahind line).