Alternative title: The Beauty Garden of the White Dragon. I can't think of any that don't have dragon in...

Here is the beginning - any suggestions on clarity, grammar, and sheer hookiness will be greatly appreciated.

As the sun scaled the tops of the Black Mountains, the invaders kicked open the gate in the village stockade. Eurwen felt, rather than saw the ripple of fear in the crowd behind her. She raised her hand, as much to still her own heart as to calm her people.

The soldiers marched into the village in perfect step. They moved like dancers, their weight centred and low. As they neared, Eurwen faught to control her rising dread. Each man was unbearably handsome. Like stags, like bears, like noble hounds, they were all different, but each could break hearts with a glance. Fifty men with slashed cheekbones, eyes of blue or grey or green, lips full and chins determined, came to a syncronised halt in the open space before the gate.

2nd beginning.

The Beauty Garden

The invaders kicked down the gate in the village stockade. Eurwen heard the crowd behind her moan in fear, but did not flinch as the flimsy barrier crashed to the ground. She raised her hand, as much to still her own heart as to calm her people.

The soldiers marched into the village in perfect step. They moved like dancers, their weight centred and low. As they neared, Eurwen fought to control her rising dread. The rumours of the dragon's army were true. Each man was inhumanly handsome.

Fifty soldiers, with high cheekbones, eyes of blue or green, lips full and chins determined, came to a syncronised halt in the open space before the gate. Their polished breastplates gleamed. Welsh blood left no stain at all.

A soldier stepped forward. Ribbons of rank adorned his cheast.

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The invaders kicked open the gate in the village stockade. Eurwen felt, rather than saw the ripple of fear in the crowd behind her. She raised her hand, as much to still her own heart as to calm her people.

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The second line I don't like, but that's just a personal thing. I mean: How do you feel fear without seeing it? What is the actual sensation or clue that Eurwen is referring to? Maybe actually telling us what sensation she is experiencing would be the way to go. Can she hear the gasp of astonishment from the crowd as the gates come down?

The line "Eurwen felt, rather than saw the ripple" needs a comma after "saw" or no comma after "felt". (Don't make both changes.)

Moving on to word choice, I personally don't like stories starting with a conjunction, such as "as".

I also think of scaling as hand-over-hand climbing, and this isn't something I can image a typical sun doing.

Dropbear's example of a revised first line looks fine to me.

I like the characterization in "moved like dancers, their weight [centered] and low." This makes me think Eurwen has little to no experience with fighters.

Though that does make me wonder about her heightened ability of perception. People feel the actions of others when they're trained to respond to environmental cues or they're especially familiar with the people they're responding to. Is she used to interacting with the crowd?

Her raising her hand worked for me. She's taking action, however small, instead of focusing on the danger. That is calming, in a way.

The mutual handsomeness of the invading men and the dread it brings to the MC is a bit hooky, because I'd love to see if my vague guess is correct. These men are magic? Maybe tied to dragons somehow?

The invaders KICK open the gate to the stockade? The villagers, despite being afraid enough to lock themselves into the stockade, did nothing to reinforce the gate?

A RIPPLE of fear. Ripple's aren't that impressive, and they're ephemeral. When I hear a "ripple of fear" I'm thinking of something like a shiver down the spine or a momentary gut check: A ripple of fear went through the IT department when they realized none of the office's computers were talking to each other. "Oh shoot!" said Bob, as he hurried to plug the rack back in.

I'm actually fine with FEELING the fear. When you're dealing with crowds, emotions can be palpable. You might not know what you're picking up on, but you definitely know the signal you're getting.

Nevertheless a couple of things bothered me. The first is the conflict here:
As they neared, Eurwen faught to control her rising dread. Each man was unbearably handsome.
She dreads them because they're handsome? In trying to attach to this character I'm getting confused, which is throwing me out.

The other is:
Like stags, like bears, like noble hounds, they were all different,
The problem of course being that these are different species, and we're saying they're like these different species but they're different. Are you trying to say that like all stags are different, these guys are different? Then why confuse the matter? Or if trying to say that these invaders are a band of different non-human types, then it'd be more like a zoo, or like a collection of different species, than like a specific one and/or like the next one.

You've also described this invasion in a way that I can't understand the villagers fear. The soldiers just seem so prissy. And aside from kicking open the stockade, what threatening gesture has this invasion made?

Am I really supposed to relate to the protagonist's fear of 50 handsome line dancers?

And deep shame for not even having sent it through a spell checker. How shoddy is that? Some of the mistakes are UK spellings, but not all...

I might not implement all suggestions - but it is very useful to see what messages people get from the start.

The suggestion that this might be romance is great as it is pecisely NOT what the story is! So I'll change the focus from unbearably to inhumanly handsome, and try to make the soldiers less... prancy and more chilling etc.

Cheers.
D

There are a HUGE number of subtle grammatical and word-choice differences. Personally, I just read over these and take them in as an aspect of 'voice'. Encountering, for example, no definite article before "hospital", or "torch" instead of "flashlight" just influences my interpretation of the writer's accent, as it were.

As you say, Ben, if you have a consistent tone and voice, then I think it will be accepted. In most of the submission guidelines that mention it at all, they say - UK/AUS/US - it doesn't matter if the story is a good'n.

I have to say the opening didn't work for me. You tell us people are scared, but you give no real hint of WHY; of what the soldiers mean, whence they come, anything. It's all surface and no rationale, and so it comes across as telling, even though it reads is if you mean to show.

So:

-og doesn't become -ogue.

More correctly:

-ogue becomes -og.
etc.

Adam (just visiting from Pedant's Corner)

*runs for the hills*

Seriously though, it's my understanding that English spelling was not standardised until the late nineteenth century, at which point the US and commonwealth went about it independently and with their own political goals. So I always thought it's not that one came after the other, but they both emerged from the same (somewhat mixed) source.

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Much as I hesitate to correct She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed, "synchronised" is not to my knowledge spelt without the "h" in UK English.

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Cambridge dictionary has an H, too

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Nope, no h anywhere in either Cambrdge or dictionary. Not even a silent one...

Thanks in advance.

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As they neared, Eurwen fought to control her rising dread. The rumours of the dragon's army were true. Each man was inhumanly handsome.

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She dreads them because they're handsome?

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How else are they inhuman? Or what else causes the dread? (If the rumors about their handsomeness are true, then maybe the rumors about how vicious they are weren't overstated either).