posted
How does this introduction work for you? As this sits, currently I have about 7k but after the editing which I am currently engaged in is complete, I expect it to be around 5&1/2. Anyone interested in swapping stories? I could really use some editing. This is the 5th short story I have written, and I think it is about time that I submit one. Can't get published unless you join in the process, right?
quote:Pulsing of the tribal drums kept pace with Kenji's own beating heart. Shadows danced across his bare back. Like spirits, he could feel them as strongly as the fires fierce heat upon his face and chest. There, in the blaze and embers of the ceremonial fire, his vision began.
The sky trembled and the forest enlivened. Massive trunks of the ancestrial trees cringed and moaned their discord against the unwelcomed spirits that screamed through their branches. Evil bore down upon his village in the form of howling winds. Although the message they cried was not entirely clear, unholy intent was clear. Eminent danger was certain. Ebbs of lightning flashed across darkening skies. Panic filled his heart.
I think if you want to keep the over-poetic descriptions of his vision, you will need to build on the milieu of why and where he is. I need to know why he is having these visions and more of a relevance of what he is goign through.
In otehr words, your first paragraph needs a big expansion. Make us care that he is having this vision.
posted
First, let me say I totally support and admire your sentiment about wanting to get out there submitting. It's exactly as you say...no submitto, no publicationo.
As for the fragment, I like it and its nicely done howevera wee little more context wouldn't hurt. We have the knowledge of danger, we just dont really know what it is or to a large extent who it is toward.
Now, you were supposed to be sending me that other piece, but if you want me to have a look at this one instead I can, although I can't promise great speed as I do have a few things in the queue.
I am having problems trying to decide how to incorporate the advice you both give. The reason being is that, at this point, he doesn't know what the vision is about, but to me it is the moment of incitement, because this is the first time he has a vision which as we find out later in the vision is a portent, thus critical to the conflict and story.
Any suggestions?
I could set the scene of the village and ceremony a little more and push back the onset of the vision a bit. Is that what you where suggesting, Snapper?
Merlion- as for the other story, I totally thought I had sent it to you already, but since I didn't I might send this one instead. I feel this one is much better. I'll shoot it over.
[This message has been edited by Phobos (edited March 05, 2010).]
posted
Making mention of the fact that this is his first vision might be helpful. Is he a shaman or somesuch? Has he been trying to have visions all his life?
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posted
He is the son of the cheiftan. The village shamen is of a radical new sect, and not entirely trusted by his father. In fact, as you would read on the next page the shamen is in his face shaking him when he comes out of this trance, muttering words of holy language, which the MC cannot understand.
I see the point though. I will give it some thought.
quote:Has he been trying to have visions all his life?
Nope, he is a warrior and never really trusted magic, at least not in the new shamen. The last thing he wants is these visions though.
[This message has been edited by Phobos (edited March 05, 2010).]
posted
I think the opening para is strong. You can put a bit more in there about how *Kenji* feels about the events that he's involved with. Since he has a vision, it might be helpful to know what's happening to his body while he has the vision. Is he sitting on a stone staring at the flames? Is he dancing? Is he sleeping, with the smoke slithering its way into his nostrils? I'm a big fan of deep POV, so for me the best solution is to go deep - get me into the character so I can really feel what's happening to him.
The vision para was a bit much for me, but it's a personal preference thing (sci-fi is my preferred genre, though I read a lot of fantasy too, I tend to not care for the deeply descriptive stuff in fantasy, which your second para is more like.) That said, I think you do well establishing a mood. I get the sense that there's some ominous stuff in Kenji's vision.
Random nitpick - the word "unholy" felt out of place to me. What exactly is the intent? It's already been stated as evil. Unholy is meaningful in the context of someone's religion, but we don't really know what Kenji's religion is here, so...I'm not sure. Just a personal preference, but I'd choose a different word here. I'd also simplify the descriptors in this second paragraph, but again - that's taste.
I'll agree with some of the others in that I found the second paragraph a little overwritten for my personal taste. I do think it's a good idea to add context in the first paragraph to what the visions mean to your protag. If you did want to trim the second paragraph, I'd suggest the following edits (and a few typos):
quote:The sky trembled and the forest enlivened.
Is this the right word? I'm not sure what you mean here.
quote: Massive trunks of the ancestrial trees cringed and moaned their discord against the unwelcomed spirits that screamed through their branches.
I think the moaning gets across the message...cringing suggests they're more animate than you intend them to be. The "unwelcomed" should probably be "unwelcome"? And a very minor word trim you could use to say "screaming" instead of "that screamed".
quote:Although the message they cried was not entirely clear, unholy intent was clear.
I'm not sure I like the repetition of "clear" so close in one sentence.
quote:Eminent danger was certain.
Typo, I think you may mean "Imminent". [/quote]
quote: Panic filled his heart.
Depending on how immersive you want this scene, you may wish to "show" it rather than tell. If you want to move onto the next scene rapidly, I'd say it's perfectly fine to tell us he is panicking.
I'm happy to do a swap. Email me.
Nick
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited March 08, 2010).]
posted
I have to agree with wanting more context. The vision itself is a bit vague and without having a better sense of the world or the MC I'm not terribly engaged to worry about what the vision might portend.
quote:Shadows danced across his bare back. Like spirits, he could feel them as strongly as the fires fierce heat upon his face and chest.
I want something more from this statement. "Like spirits" makes it seem like we should know what spirits feel like. And how are shadows and spirits different? I'd like a little more specific description, especially from the, 'Shadows danced...' portion. Also, 'fires' should be 'fire's'.
I'll be happy to read though. It sounds interesting.
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