It was impossible to escape the fleeting visions of soldiers --- thousands of them, lined on the crest of a great hill, their backs to the horizon. Their spears glistened with the first rays of sunshine across their metal pinnacles, and yet some of those rays were absorbed by the stains of blood.

He rose to his feet, clasping his face in his hands, until his breathing slowed and the choked hints of tears receded back in to the depths of his spirit. Here, in this room, in this entire nexus of control, he was a slave.

---------------------------

I would suggest possibly droping "entire" before nexus. And maybe a little sense of the room? We currently have a clearer picture of the vision than his current location.

quote:

---

Shel's eyes snapped open, and he wept. (1)

It was impossible to escape the fleeting visions of soldiers --- thousands of them, lined on the crest of a great hill, their backs to the horizon. Their spears glistened with the first rays of sunshine across their metal pinnacles, and yet some of those rays were absorbed by the stains of blood. (2)

He rose to his feet, clasping (3) his face in his hands, until his breathing slowed and the choked hints of tears receded back in to the depths of his spirit. (4) Here, in this room, in this entire nexus of control (5), he was a slave.

---

You're a few lines short of thirteen, by my count. The easiest way to tell is to copy your text into the text-entry box. It should be full at 13 lines, not including paragraph breaks.

1. The way this sentence is structured, it appears that these two events are directly linked, like the snapping of his eyes led to tears. At least that's how it reads to me.

2. Great visual imagery.... it's easy to see the scene you're imagining.

3. I see the word clasping as something done to a smaller object - a light grip on a rope, your lady's hand, something you can wrap your fingers around but need to do so gently. Would another word (like held, perhaps) work just as well?

4. This sentence here is either a bit dense, or a bit purple, to my eye.

5. Here's where those few extra lines would come in handy. What exactly is a nexus of control? Is it a tangible control room? A literary play on words? Using every last word we can in a first thirteen is helpful in cases like this, where something is obscure to a reader.

All in all, a good beginning to a story. If I were an editor, I would read on. None of the issues or questions I had were truly significant, and your second paragraph itself has hooked me, for at least another page or two.

Something to keep in mind about first thirteen critiques - everyone will have their own style, and comment coming from a different place. No one is saying something is right or wrong, just leaving their opinion. It is up to you to do with that oppinion as you see fit.

I sent you the story, Merlin. Would anyone else like the entire thing as well?

Oh, also, the reason I didn't add the additional lines is mostly because that would cut off my next paragraph/thought and cause it to be rather abrupt. Basically, the reader needs to see the entire paragraph for the next few descriptions of the nexus and the dream to make sense, but only adding five lines of it would jumble things up and cause the reader to be more confused. Does this make sense, perhaps?

That said, I would be glad to look at the story, but I have so much going on, and I am in such need of readers for the several stories I have for several projects with deadlines at the end of this month that I would only commit to doing so if you wouldn't mind taking a look at one of mine in return.

So If you are interested, send me an email and I will send you a list of possibilities to choose from. Usually I do not make such demands, but it is a critical time for me.

I agree that "clasping his face" doesn't quite work - "holding" would be better.

The last bit about "nexus of control" needs more explanation before I'll be sure I understand it, but it makes me wonder if, rather than having a dream, Shel has travelled (through time or out of body) to see these soldiers.

I stress that this would be a lot better if you cut that first line out. The second paragraph is powerful. The opening line does little to grab the reader. In fact, it turned me off.