posted
Few things you oughta know: 1) The title is a placeholder - It's a random title I picked until I find a good one. 2) I have no idea what I'm writing about or where I'm heading with this story. It started as part of a general opening scene vision and a dark mood I was in years ago and I let the fingers tap away. I've been adding to it every few months. In general, it's seems to be a dark fantasy piece. 3) I have 9 pages so far, and basically am looking for input on whether I should continue with the story (is it interesting enough to read on after the first 9 pages? - assuming you like the first 13); and if you like it - what are your impressions of the story written thus far? and what would you change or add to it?
The Phantom Cloak
quote:The arrow passed through his chest without a hint of meeting any resistance. It entered beneath the fourth rib slightly on the left side, right through the heart, and exited cleanly out the back. A spot of red bloomed in front, around where the arrow had pierced the dirty yellowed shirt, moving a little outward from the edges of the rip. The blood collected at the base of that rip for a brief moment, forming a single tear of blood, which then dropped and soaked the shirt on its way down, forming a thin delicate red stem. The pain was momentary, like a deflowering, suggesting something irreversible. To Thewin Falsow it should have suggested death, yet he could still draw breath. He let his head drop like a heavy stone and made his body limp.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 05, 2010).]
posted
Ok, you had me from Arr-Ow. But this a tricky first thirteen. I almost think you need to back up few steps, tell us what the heck is going on. But this could work. Maybe. I am a bit intrigued, mostly because I'm an arrow freak and you've done such a good job describing the pass-through. Maybe a little too descriptive. "Deflowering"?? We'll see... The other thing that intrigued me was this:
To Thewin Falsow it should have suggested death, yet he could still draw breath. He LET his head drop like a heavy stone and MADE his body limp.
The arrow pierced his heart and the dude seems to be unaffected. Who the heck is this guy? I'd push on, see what comes out of that sick distorted mind of yours (LOL). You can always make the necessary changes later.
posted
It definitely sounds like it has possibilities. I want to know why he's basically hanging somewhere and being shot at. Plus, why the arrow didn't kill him, of course. Unless it did. You did say this was dark fantasy.
Posts: 4633 | Registered: Dec 2008
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posted
Wow, this is a nice intro to what seems like a good story. The premise is awesome. I had a couple of minor problems with some of the language.
"The arrow passed through his chest without a hint of meeting any resistance."
I didn't like "hint of meeting" in there because it felt redundant. I think it would be more engaging if it was written:
The arrow passed through his chest without any resistance.
I agree with one of the previous posts that the use of "deflowered" was a little off. I also didn't like the word "suggesting" in that sentence. It makes the use of third person a little impersonal, especially for the beginning of a book.
I didn't get why he "let" his head drop and "made" his body limp. Is he pretending to be dead so whoever shot him goes away? Is he in shock that he isn't dead? I'm sure you explain and there is no room for it in the first thirteen, but it was a little confusing without an explanation.
Overall I like the way this was written. You're using a point of view I don't usually enjoy (I like things very limited and don't want to watch from "outside the body") but I really like this.
If you're still just playing around with this, I think you should sit down and figure out where it's going. And then get to writing it. Because it has a lot of potential.
One last thing: be careful with "filler" titles. I almost always use a filler title and by the end of a book I've created this soft spot in my heart for the title. Even if it's stupid. (I wrote a book I called "Wizard's Princess" and unfortunately the title made it sound like a YA when in fact it was supposed to be adult. The people that read it hated the title, but I STILL haven't been able to come up with a name I like better. All because I spent 109,000 words with it titled Wizard's Princess.) I'm just saying, make sure the filler title is half way decent in case you get stuck on it. The Phantom Cloak sounds like dark fantasy, so it's good, just make sure YOU are good with it.
posted
Billawaboy, Are you asking for readers for the first 9 pages, or just the 13 lines? I wasn't sure. If you want someone to read the 9 I can certainly do that today for you.
I liked the 13 but the pace felt a little slow. Odd considering what's going on, but I pictured it as in a movie - slow motion - but as Anderson said, maybe a little too descriptive.
Meridith - where did you get that he was hanging? Literally hanging? Or just chillin and getting blasted?
The word deflowering has to go.
"suggesting" and "suggested" are too close together.
quote:Meridith - where did you get that he was hanging? Literally hanging? Or just chillin and getting blasted?
KDW edited the post. I think there was just a little more there originally. It made it sound like he was tied up by his hands to some support (not hanging by his neck) and then used for target practice.
posted
Thank you all for sharing. Pardon the delay. Didn't expect such a quick response. I'm in Tanzania at the mo' and still trying to get used to the hours.
Ahh, when simile's go wrong. I remember struggling with the 'deflowering' phrase 2 years ago - and this was originally written in 2004...yeah, it's too quaint, and it definitely has to go, but I don't know what to put in it's place. Since then I've stopped constant revising hoping an idea will come. I vaguely remember for that scene I wanted to connect sex and death as sort of 'points-of-no-returns' - also, both involve a little bleeding the first time, haha. But what does it have to with the story? Like I said - I have no clue. Just incorporating vague ideas as they come.
Anderson: hehe, if you think my moods are dark, you should take a look at my dreams - or more appropriately, nightmares. They are pretty vivid and violent enough for me to write down, and has been going on since I was a teenager. I don't tell my friends anymore - or they start giving me the Eye. And some have strangely come true (not to me, but similar incidents on the news.) yeah, I try put on a positive face or I start to 'wierd' people away - but it's hard when friends and folks lovingly call you 'The Pessimist." I call it my brain dealing with extreme real possibilities. I do to tone it done for regular people, though. So yeah, someone probably ate my McNuggets. The McNuggets of my soul!
Meredith: it doesn't kill him (I don't think)...but as far as the reason why... (shrugs shoulders)
Trisha: I agree with pretty much all you said. I've been cutting and adding those lines back and forth. I can't make up my mind. It's nice to know I'm in tune with the rough parts of my work. The title is an inside joke for me: the 'phantom cloak' is a term I use for a protector spirit that guides our hero. In Star Wars you had Obi Wan; In Harry Potter you had Harry's Mom; WOT rand has the voices; other stories have Angels on your shoulders, or Ancestors spirits - there's a whole bunch of stories. So when I was trying to figure what kept Thewin alive, I jokingly said "of course he has some kind of phantom cloak protecting him." (The actual idea of 'phantom cloak' came from me misunderstanding Star Wars as a kid: I thought Luke could speak to Obi Wan because he was wearing Obi Wan's clothes - you know, talks to a spirit by wearing their stuff - makes logical sense. Yeah, I know Luke wasn't even wearing Obi Wan's stuff. So many people tell me that. it's an idea that stuck with me.)
Axe: Good point. I don't know hatrack protocol - do I just email it out to everyone? Slow? possibly. Like I said I have no clue about where the story is heading. All right I'll email it out to all.
EDIT: Anderson, Can't get at your email. email me if you want me to email you a copy.
[This message has been edited by billawaboy (edited April 06, 2010).]
posted
Wow,that's actually pretty funny, but I can see how as a kid you jumped to that conclusion. I didn't see Star Wars until I was twelve, and only then because my mom was apalled that I didn't know what it was. (I'm horribly embarrassed to admit that, since I went into Star Wars overload for the next five years.)
I almost don't think you can change the name now, just because of that story. lol
posted
Hi, Just a quick note, I’ve only read the 1st 13, so I may be repeating points. By and large, this works for me as a 1st 13 and I’d read on. There is nice specific detail in the description, though I’d question whether you need so much (see below). The simile of the deflowering isn’t that great. It’s not an image that the male population can accurately imagine and I found the contradiction (momentary versus the permanence of an irreversible action) problematic, though others may enjoy the contradiction. I’d also drop the “like a heavy stone” (while not bad, I don’t think it’s specific or special enough to use in a first 13). You could be painting yourself into a corner here by forcing yourself to flashback to explain how Thewin has come to find himself in the battle. I’m guessing the inciting moment where the protagonist’s life changes is actually when he realises he is immortal, so you’re probably fine in terms of backstory. The main potential issue I have with this as an opening (and this is largely influenced by personal preference) is the balance between description and the presentation of a story worthy problem. Most of this is generally well-written description without giving us a clue what the big picture problem in the story is. You have an inciting incident (the arrow piercing Thewin without killing him when it should) but I don’t have a hint of Thewin’s goal or the initial obstacle to that goal. For all I know, the story problem is just round the corner, but I’d personally cut back on the description of the arrow and the pain (i.e.”The arrow passed right through his heart. To Thewin, it should have suggested death…” ) in favour of moving straight into his goals and obstacles in this story. Regards, Nick Posts: 712 | Registered: Jun 2008
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posted
TY Trisha, and let me know if you want a reviewer for your works.
Nick, I wish I knew the story/plot/idea, (I can't even say Thewin is immortall or not - ust that he survived this one time). Like I said above I literally have no concrete plan - I'll just keep adding on as whim takes over. If you have suggestions I'm open, maybe itll spark something. At the very least you can tell me if you still feel like reading more after 9 pages - would you like me to send it to you?
[This message has been edited by billawaboy (edited April 07, 2010).]
posted
If you don't know where you're going with this, and would like to encourage your subconscious to work on it a little more, start asking yourself questions.
The questions I'd ask (besides the ones already posted) include OSC's two favorite story building questions (after "what does the character want?" or variations of same): "what does the character try next?" and "what could go wrong with that attempt?"
Since you don't seem to really even know who the character is, I'd also recommend asking questions about the character. Who is Thewin Falsow? Does he really have power over arrows through his heart and if he does, how and why? Where did he come from? What is he looking for? Who does he care about?
posted
You know, billawaboy, if you want to turn this topic into a brainstorming session for ideas of what to do with this beginning you have, you are welcome to.
It would be a good exercise (and not unlike one of OSC's "1000 Ideas in a Hour" sessions, if you've ever been to one).
posted
Well, I started this story around 2004, and have come back to it every few months. I've tried asking myself questions - but it's the the kind where you don't know what it is but you know what it is not. Last Monday - I got a bit frustrated and felt this was going nowhere. So I posted it mainly to ask what people thought of it so far. If the opening generated interest then it's probably worth to continue on.
I welcome brainstorming for ideas - the more that enters my subconcious the more options my brains will work out - I hope.I have received several critiques already that were incredibly helpful. I have the feeling that the concept is there hiding in my brain reluctant to come out all at once. Maybe I should just give it time. I'm in no hurry.
But in the meantime brainstorm away. Use the opening as a jumping point for your own writing. I've never heard of OSCs 1000 ideas thing. How does that workshop go? It would probably overwhelm me - I typically like to take one idea and look at it from all sides (which tends to distract me into all types of research.) But perhaps I need to mix things up, learn different methods, focus of developing stories quickly and expand from there. I'm envious of people who write weekly show - how do they work so fast!?
Anyway, I'm up for it. Let the idea blizzard commence.
posted
Hmm. Maybe I should start a topic just for OSC's 1000 Ideas in an Hour. In the Writing Class area, perhaps?
Basically, OSC asks people in the audience (usually a rather large audience, in fact) to raise hands and suggest answers to questions he asks.
He starts out by asking about the main character: male or female, how old, what kind of work for a living, what skills, what does the character want, why, where is the character, and so on. The audience offers a bunch of ideas, and he picks one that is particularly intriguing to build on.
One of the things he points out is that the first ideas that are suggested are usually the kinds of ideas anyone would think of, and he wants ideas that are different--hence his recommendation to dig deep--toss out the first few ideas and look for the fourth or fifth ideas, which will be harder to come up with but less likely to be cliche and overdone.
He insists that anyone in the audience can take any of the ideas and write a story from them--there is no copyright on ideas.
Once he picks a character and situation he likes, then he'll start asking the questions Corky mentioned: what does the character try and what goes wrong with that. If someone pipes up with another twist on the character and situation, he may go with it, or he may tell them to use that in their story.
It tends to become a free-for-all, with people not waiting to be called on, but the energy levels get very exciting.
He does this for about half an hour, and then he changes to an approach that is more geared toward fantasy fiction. He asks people to suggest prices for magic--it just doesn't work to have someone do magic without there being some cost, and so the rest of the hour is spent brainstorming interesting costs for doing magic, and what kinds of stories and characters can grow around those ideas.
If I start a 1000 Ideas in an Hour topic, I will probably cut and paste the above into the opening post, but I hope it can be of help here as well.
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