posted
Alvarez was weighing the root when the lights went out. He cursed and blindly put it back in the pot. Satisfied the plant would be protected for now, he blinked a few times as his eyes adjusted to the dim green hue of the emergency glow rods. Scattered at strategic points around the ceiling of the greenhouse, the small cylinders each contained an amount of some radioactive isotope, which caused the sensitive lining of their plastic lining to flouresce. Every inhabitable area of the colony had them, exactly for moments like this. It was quite ingenious, really. A single tube could last for thousands of years before the radiation source ran out. At least, if would have been ingenious here if plants could grow in green light.
Posts: 496 | Registered: May 2009
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posted
The first sentence was great. The next two ok, but I probably would cut the word "dim". After that, however, it was sidetracked into detail that would make me start to skip over. I want to know why the lights went out, and I expect that all I need to know about the green glow is that they have radioactive power sources. The opening sentence promised action. After two more sentences to ground the reader into the environment, it seems time to turn back to action.
Posts: 789 | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
Like the user above me said, the first sentence hooks me. You have a great use of wording and you gave me a mental image. My only thing however, is don't put "so" so much detail in just the enviroment. My personal opinion(and this is just an opinion) is that the first sentence grabs me. You have me there, now let us see if the first paragraph *really* hooks me. Overall though, it seems you have an interesting idea. Hope I was of some help.
Posts: 15 | Registered: Apr 2010
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posted
Your first line does do quite a bit. It offers up a conflict (maybe not the main one, but still a conflict), offers action (albeit subdued but still there), and it offers a promise (something will be done with the root). None of these are overly dramatic but they help lure us in.
Then the writing gets lost in the minutia. Yep, you have some fancy lights, but I currently don't need to know how they work. The resolution of the conflict you've provided does not appear to hinge on the workings of the glow-rods. Why would the character start explaining the spiffy lights in his head? When the lights go out at work, I don't marvel at the workings of emergency lights; I deal with the loss of power.
posted
So it seems people don't like the lighting description... One of my goals in telling that was that I have often heard in sci fi it is important to give the setting early. I was intending to add that science fiction flag at the same time adding something to hook(they need emergency lighting? what for?)
posted
Teraen, I don't think it's the description itself, which I like, but the timing of it. i.e. the first 13. Also, you may be able to shorten it a little. In sci-fi there's a certain amount of assumption that comes from reading the genre. Tell me it's a radioactive green bulb that can last for thousands of years and I'm good. I did like the irony of them not being able to help the plants tho. That says a lot about who put them there in the first place.
posted
Hi Terean, I agree with everyone else here. The opening line is good and then you distract from the opening problem by going into an info dump about the lights. Generally, I think SF exposition should really only be enough to illustrate the impact of a particular piece of technology and how it impacts society. I like how the Turkey City Lexicon explains it (purposely not copyrighted, so this is okay to quote isn’t it Kathleen?):
quote: The theory is that, as above, the mechanics of an interstellar drive (the center of the idea) is not important: all that matters is the impact on your characters: they can get to other planets in a few months, and, oh yeah, it gives them hallucinations about past lives.
In this case, the mechanics of the light aren’t important; the fact they can’t sustain the plants is. If you cut back the explanation to something like “The emergency lights would last for thousands of years; pity they couldn’t sustain the plants” or something like that, you’ve got more room to get to the first big problem in the story. Nick Posts: 712 | Registered: Jun 2008
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posted
I'm gonna disagree with Nick slightly. The mechanics CAN be important, IF it's important to the story OR if it other wise makes an impact.
I remember a story in one of the SF anthologies about the future world using a wound spring technology for power. These were wound by beasts genetically bred to wind them. This innovative use of an older technology grabbed me as much as the part they played in the story.
posted
I've had this issue alot with my extensive and tedious, extremely fruitful career of writing scifi... (Wait, where's that exaggeration switch? I think its jammed to the "on"...)
Anyways, I usually get interested in the world building first, which is based around the tech. In this story, I actually came up with the story first, and have been backtracking the technology. The problem for me is that in this story the technology is actually kind of important, because it plays into the plot. The colony is also teetering on the brink of existence, and I'm trying to start adding in the sense that these characters are living on borrowed time...
Then again, all my sci fi stories usually have a scientist as the protagonist, instead of a military guy or civilian or whatnot, so I usually add more of the intellectually interesting stuff as a crutch...
Anyone out there have any ideas on ways to brainstorm tension/action aspects to their stories? The only real one I have in this story so far is an accomplish something difficult before the timebomb expires type scenario...
How about introducing the technology, but weaving the description of it throughout the opening few paragraphs. This will allow you to develop the characters first, which to me always drive the story.
UU72
[This message has been edited by Utahute72 (edited April 11, 2010).]
posted
Utah: I probably will do that, what you have brought up is a stylistic suggestion, something that deals with the mechanics of the prose. My question was targeted more at the big picture - what techniques can be used to add tension or action in a short story length?
Posts: 496 | Registered: May 2009
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Let me ask you, what's your next action step? Use that to infuse the reader with interest and a desire to read on.
For example:
quote:Alvarez was weighing the root when the lights went out. He cursed and blindly put it back in the pot. He blinked a few times as his eyes adjusted to the dim green hue of the emergency glow rods. Checking to make sure the plant was safe he moved to.......
That puts the action up front, establishes the setting. Then in later paragraphs include the information on how the rods were powered etc.
posted
Next, the power comes back on a one of the MC's colleagues comes up and explains what happened. He discovered something new which will function as a way to help save their colony...
Like I said, I'm trying to come up with a way to make it more action packed...
posted
People take the technology of their world for granted. For example, if you were to show somebody taking the elevator to the 15th floor in our world today, do you describe the the character pressing the button to activate the electric motor which turns the winch to wind the cables which...
I'm exaggerating, of course.
To firmly place your character in a world it's clearly a part of, show it as part of the POV. In the case of the green glow tubes, show how a couple of them have failed and how noting their failure affects your character. "Oh great, two more glow tubes have failed and it was bloody difficult to requisition the last two replacements." You can slip information about how they work later.
I agree that the fact the E-Glows give off the wrong kind of light for growing plants speaks volumes.
posted
I also like the suggestion that you show concern for placing the root in it's container properly before the character turns it's attention to the immediate crisis. You could opt drop a hint for a general decline with a Not again! thought or comment
Posts: 18 | Registered: Mar 2010
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