posted
This is the beginning to a short story I just started. Its probably a bit premature, but just wanted to hear what y'all thought about it.
They were heroes, every damn one of them - from Garl himself to the little dwarf Murki. But, as is the case in times of war and peace, heroes have a hard time living up to their reputations. I knew them all - hell, I served with them for three bloody years in the south, so they should have been mere men to me. But they weren’t. They were heroes, just as if I were some stick-wielding peasant boy mimicking their greatest victories. I had seen too much to think of them any other way, seen too much of their blood spilled defending those too weak to defend themselves. In the winter before the last battle, days after King Agdalard met King Lath in Verish, I rode down into the little forest on the banks of the Grey River and met with Garl, several others from his group. The meeting was bittersweet,
posted
This has a strong voice and fantasy character names that are easy to pronounce. However, I'd like a better idea of what to expect from the story. Do Garl, Murki, and the others despise the POV character? While there's no clear hint of that, the only conflict that I can see arising directly from this opening would be the POV character's need to reconcile his feelings with theirs.
A set up like this might work for a novel but doesn't seem right for a short.
posted
The story really begins to pick up after the first thirteen. It will pretty obvious to the reader what the relationship is between these men, as well as the major plot of this story. As for it not being right as a short story... well I do have a habit of blowing things out of proportion, so it's possible this will end up as a novel. I hope not. I'm 60,000 words into my other novel. This was meant to be short.
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posted
I like the tone and the pacing of your words. You use them very well. I am getting a good sense of the feel of this world.
I understand when things get rolling right after the first thirteen and I don't see a problem with that. I think the beginning is well written enough to keep an editor reading for another few paragraphs at least.
It does slow a bit, or become less eloquent with the sentence that starts, "In the winter before the last battle..." It's just suddenly technical. I know it can't all be poetic, but maybe ease into the hard info.
I like it though and would easily keep reading. Count me in for reading when it's finished, if you like.
posted
It's done, at least the first draft. It's 9500 words and its title is The Ashes of Yester. I'm sending it to genevive. Anybody else want to take a look before I submit it?
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