posted
Just something that came out. Let me know what you all think.
His name was Church, but he wasn’t a religious man. He lived his life without God or gold, for in Mithibia there could not be one without the other. Begging did no good, for as soon as a passerby saw that he was Unmarked, their purse would snap shut again and they would go hurriedly on their way. So Church had become a spiffer, which was Mithibian slang for thief. He stole only food, for the Unmarked fared no better at the stalls than they did at stirring pity. How he came to be Unmarked, or even how he came to be in so God-fearing a place, is a story that need not be told here, for we shall only follow him a little further - to the mist-shrouded docks along the Fway. There, his story will end. It will end in his death, in a manner both gruesome and inexplicable. And there my story begins.
posted
Very intriguing. I like stories that are bold enough to tell you what's going to happen because it promises me that the author had enough confidence that you will enjoy the ride so much he doesn't mind spilling the beans. It also, of course, makes me ask, "So how and why is this character going to die?" And that, I believe is the purpose of that technique. It puts forth a question.
I'll read when you finish it. You've got me hooked.
quote: His name was Church, but he wasn’t a religious man. He lived his life without God or gold, for in Mithibia there could not be one without the other.
I like the irony of the name Church, however I’m not sure I understand living without gold? He doesn’t believe in money? Or doesn’t believe in the methods required in this world to get money?
quote: Begging did no good, for as soon as a passerby saw that he was Unmarked, their purse would snap shut again and they would go hurriedly on their way.
Instead of Begging did no good, perhaps “Begging was a futile occupation for the unmarked etc” Also why would their purse snap shut again? Why not just snap shut, or rather than the action of the purse doing any kind of snapping focus more on the behaviour.
quote: So Church had become a spiffer, which was Mithibian slang for thief. He stole only food, for the Unmarked fared no better at the stalls than they did at stirring pity.
Spiffer is an interesting word, very close to a real word Spiffier and also a drug word spiff, or also spiffy. Is this relationship intentional?
quote: How he came to be Unmarked, or even how he came to be in so God-fearing a place, is a story that need not be told here,
Maybe this is just me but you have set up the scene with an interesting world, with some nice hooks, the unmarked, a God fearing place which takes up most of the text, yet now towards the end you tell me the story is not about this, but another story, which is just briefly explained in a couple of lines. I wouldn’t read on, since I want to know about the unmarked and I don’t care enough about this character yet to really be shocked by his death, gruesome or not.
quote: It will end in his death, in a manner both gruesome and inexplicable.
I feel this line is a little forced, telling me as a reader I should find his death both terrible and perplexing.
This is a mixed bag for me. I very much like the implied world building, but I probably wouldn't continue a story that tells me I'm not going to read about the interesting stuff I just read about. It comes across too much like background for a story (or novel) in that regard, or a random riff with an interesting voice. Where's the story hook?
Now, if you were to switch this around, to something like: "My story begins at the mist-shrouded docks along the Fway, with the gruesome and inexplicable death of a common spiffer named Church. He wasn't a religious man..."
Then, I might want to continue. You've hooked me and promised more, rather than hooking me and promising less.
I am officially a fan of your stuff. Consistently interesting, and with such a strong voice. You are gonna be one heck of a writer one day if you could only finish your stories.
Write it, write it till the end, and then sell it and go make your millions. ~Sheena
posted
I like the voice here Anderson. If you would like an additional reader for the finished project let me know. As it stands, this is one of the more intriguing First 13 I've seen. To me, I could picture Rod Serling narrating this as the opening monologue of a Twilight Zone episode.
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posted
Wow! Just got home from work and saw the reponses. Thanks guys. I'm finishing up a story that I intend to send out in a few days, then I'll settle in on this one. The opening lines of this just came to me while walking across my dining room. The rest came while I was in the shower. We'll see where it leads. I hope I can make this into something people will want to read.
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posted
It intrigues, yes, although I think you might want to tip us off a touch earlier that this is a first-person narrative. I do have a slight problem with the language concept - you have Mithibia, and spiffer, but the word "Church" is apparently both someone's name and, well, a church, and that kind of jars for me.
posted
No problem, tchern. Mithibia has churches. And hansom cabs. And pistols. It also has something very nasty roaming the streets. And what makes you think that this is a first-person narrative? Oh, yeah. The part that says "my story begins"... That's just me, the omnipresent narrator. Hmm... Maybe I should just say "the story begins". Anyway, there's a lot more to come about Marked and Unmarked men, the role of the Church in Mithibia, and... other stuff.
[This message has been edited by andersonmcdonald (edited June 02, 2010).]
posted
If there is no actual 1P narrative, then I would suggest saying "that's where the real story begins" or something of that nature. When you say "my" you are immediately telling the reader that one individual is telling this story, and hinting that it is ABOUT that one individual (not always the case, but the less you confuse the reader about irrelevances, the better).
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