posted
I am not entirely sure if this is 13 lines or not, considering I am using my phone to write this. But if it is not 13 lines or less, I apologize. Just let me know if this opening of Demon Beach is better than the last, and what I could do to make it better, and anything else you think i should know. Thank You.
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Jimmy lay on the side of the road, a large bloody gash on his forehead, cuts up and down his bare legs and arms, and red ooze gushed out of the cut circling his neck. Susan stared down into his helpless eyes and felt a cold wind, feeling like a child's touch, crawl along side her cheek. "Jimmy..." she peeped, her heart beating faster and faster as the seconds slowed on. "Oh, God. No. It can't... this can't..." It had all happened so fast. First they were in the RV, on the way to this secluded beach, and next thing she knew, he was thrown out the front window flying fifty yards through the air. She looked all around, sweat burning her eyes, seeing not a person in sight. The RV was gone, and she was pretty sure it had been stolen by laughing, demon children.
[This message has been edited by XD3V0NX (edited July 29, 2010).]
posted
It is better than the last version, but I still think you're starting at the wrong place. The writing is info-dumpish. It also seems very reminiscent of the Children of the Corn short by Stephen King. Weirdly enough, this feels like you're avoiding conflict. Instead of showing us the first conflict, you've bypassed it to show the aftermath. The hard part, if you're going to play the 13 lines game, is to bring out the horror element and make us care about the characters in such a small space.
posted
Thank you, baboo. Sorry if that is spelled wrong. I understand what you are saying, and it is pretty hard to bring on a strong like for characters in only 13 lines. But yes, this is off topic, but I read once in a Stephen King companion book, that he makes his characters really liked, and then has something catastophic happen to them. I usually do that, too. In these 13 lines, I did not do that, yet. It takes about a page or so in this, but I will work on it again and try getting it in these first 13 lines. Thanks.
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posted
Stephen King takes the time to build characters over long works. This is a short work. You do not have to do everything in 13 lines, just hook me enough to turn the page and give me some sense of the type of story.
Everything following should be taken as IMHO (In My Humble Opinion). My take:
quote: Jimmy lay on the side of the road, a [large<--Cut.] bloody gash[es] on his forehead, [cuts up<--Cut.] and down his bare legs and arms, and [red ooze<--If this is blood, just say it.] gushed out of [the<-->a] cut circling his neck.
Susan stared down into his [helpless<--Are the eyes helpless, or is she? Cut.] eyes and felt a cold wind, [feeling<--Cut. you already said "felt"] like a [child's touch<--Maybe this could be a darker metaphor, and would also help indicate they type of story or foreshadow events to com.], crawl[ing] along [side<--Cut.] her cheek.
"Jimmy..." she [peeped,<--just "said," is best. the reader will envision it by the next part:] her heart beating faster [and faster<--Cut.] as the seconds [slowed on<--Huh?]. "Oh, God. No. It can't... this can't..."
[It had all happened so fast. First they were in the RV, on the way to this secluded beach, and next thing she knew, he was thrown out the front window flying fifty yards through the air.<--Illustrate this during the story. This only stops the action (progression) to back up. So, cut it.]
She looked all around[.][, sweat burning her eyes,<--I thought there was a "cold" breeze?] [seeing n<--Cut. N]ot a person in sight. The RV was gone[, and she was pretty sure it had been stolen by laughing, and demon children.<--you might consider putting this in later.]
posted
Yeah, what IB said. Hook me with anything...a great character, interesting situation, great prose, humor...anything to make me turn the page. Posts: 746 | Registered: Jun 2007
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Susan looked around as sweat burned her eyes. There was no help in sight. The RV was gone, and she was pretty sure it had been stolen by laughing, demon children.
Then go into the rest:
Jimmy lay on the side of the road with a large bloody gash on his forehead. Cuts covered his legs and arms, and red ooze gushed out of the cut circling his neck. Susan stared down into his pained eyes. A cold wind, like a child's touch, crawled along side her cheek. "Jimmy..." she said, her heart beating fast as the seconds seemed to slow. "Oh, God. No. It can't... this can't..." It had all happened so fast. First they were in the RV, on the way to this secluded beach, and next thing she knew, he was thrown out the front window flying fifty yards through the air.
I think putting that senttence first gets our attention more. We want to know about the demon children. It will help keep people reading further.
posted
Roxanne's suggestion is good. I liked those first lines. Simple writing but they evoked so many things in my head.
Posts: 118 | Registered: Jul 2010
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