posted
Here's the first thirteen of the new draft. I've gotten two very good critiques on this, but I wanted to know how this new beginning works for those who haven't read the whole story.
The chores were done, the plow was stowed away, and nine-year-old Ansel Marric was sneaking a smoke behind the barn. He had found the perfect pipe, a stubby bit of willow with a crook in it - not quite the same shape as his father’s pipe but near enough. He had just placed the twig between his teeth and was about to light it with an imaginary flame when he heard his dog barking from the front yard, making him jump. He quickly tossed the pretend pipe into the bushes, a lump of fear catching in his throat. If his mother caught him smoking he was as good as dead, even if it was the make-believe kind. He hurried from his hiding place, slowing before he turned the corner of the small thatched-roof dwelling where he and his parents lived. I finished my chores, mother, he thought, rehears
posted
The first sentence doesn't hook me, and I think it's because it's telling, not showing. The second sentence is great. I would start there. One quibble: There's no speculative element in the first 13.
One more quibble: I'd cut "making him jump." Doesn't add much and seems to interrupt the flow of the action.
posted
I agree. Good story, I like the flow, but find a way to meld the first and second sentences. Here's my suggestion.
quote:Ansel Marric had found the perfect pipe. It was a stubby bit of willow with a crook in it - not quite the same shape as his father’s pipe but near enough. He sat down behind the barn for a secret smoke. He deserved a smoke after all the chores he'd done. He was nine, after all.
posted
I agree with Jennifer and Jenny. Good story, but the first sentence doesn't hook me.
Also, the last sentence kind of throws me off. I think it's because you couldn't finish the sentence due to the first thirteen line rule, but it already states that he finished his chores at the beginning. What gets me is that he "thinks" it, instead of actually "saying" it. It feels like you're just saying it over again. But that's just my opinion.
Maybe you could just get rid of that thought, or have him think something different that doesn't sound so repetitive, or just include it in actual dialogue when he's speaking to her. I like my third option best.
posted
Good prose, as mentioned. I would second the comment about cutting "making him jump." The first line isn't strong, second one is stronger.
I think cutting the first line would get you to the hook a bit faster, which I think would be "what startled the dog"
How about instead of him throwing away the pipe, he is so startled by the dogs bark that he drops it?
I'd also lose the part about mother catching him with it. First, I don't think it adds that much, and second, I find it hard to believe she'd punish him for pretend pipe smoking. I get the idea that maybe he is startled because Mother is coming, but that would make me ask: Why is the dog barking at mother, does she not live with them?
[This message has been edited by Osiris (edited September 03, 2010).]
quote:The chores were done, the plow was stowed away, and nine-year-old Ansel Marric was sneaking a smoke behind the barn.
This sentence doesn't feel very active to be a start. These things have already happened. That said, it does establish a who, what, and where, so I don't mind too much (personally).
quote:He had found the perfect pipe, a stubby bit of willow with a crook in it - not quite the same shape as his father’s pipe but near enough.
We're being told of more things that have already happened. It doesn't bother me too much, but I have to wonder if all of this is needed information, and if it might be possible to simply write it out in a more active manner.
quote:He had just placed the twig between his teeth and was about to light it with an imaginary flame when he heard his dog barking from the front yard, making him jump.
This seems a bit long and passive, particularly because the first two sentences were both similar in structure. Perhaps the sentence would read better if less passive, and the child's response to the stimulus (Dog barking) were in a separate sentence?
Example. "He placed the twig between his teeth and lit it with an imaginary flame. The dog barked. Ansel jumped."
quote:He quickly tossed the pretend pipe into the bushes, a lump of fear catching in his throat. If his mother caught him smoking he was as good as dead, even if it was the make-believe kind.
Hmm. I'm not sure I care for the "lump of fear catching in his throat". It seems a bit dramatic for the circumstances, unless his mother is truly a monster. My other minor issue here is that I previously had no idea of any bushes.
My main issue is that things start out so passively.
These are all of course my own opinions, and I'm certainly no professional. Take them with a grain of salt.
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