posted
I know this is naff and badly written, it is a story I feel obligated to write and want to get written before I move house. It is about the ruined cathedral two minutes walk from house and two ladies intrinsically linked to it. Miss Pozzi is the custodian from this century and Marjory Gilzean is worth googling her story is amazing. It is completely outside of my comfort zone I studied history at university and that seems to hamper me I write like an essay. Any help just to get me started appreciated I am aiming for a short story. The story is set in North East Scotland and will be intended for the local area, it includes some local phrases Haar= sea mist; Stovies = a meat and potato dish.
Her small lantern lights the way through the heavy haar obscuring the cathedral from view as Miss Pozzi makes her final checks for the night. She carefully picks over the graves saying good-night to her parents, Wee Mary and Captain Duncan's wee lad. She pulls her father's heavy wool coat around her, it is colder tonight than usual. Then she hears it and her heart sinks. She desperately wants to head back to her small cottage at the gates of the cathedral. Not tonight, the stovies she had left warming would be ready when she returned.
Jessie signs and enters the chapel. 'Jessie so good to see you.'
'You too Marjory,' says Jessie
[This message has been edited by Kimlin (edited September 07, 2010).]
posted
Purely because haar is a scots dialect word. In a final draft I would probably use the latin system of footnotes for translation of the words I used that are peculiar to the area the story is set in. I want to create the image that something scary is about to happen..
I think her heart sinking will probably be explained as it goes along, basic plot is lady from the 1920s meets Marjory from the late 1700s. Marjory is a lady with a fragmented mind, she ran away with a man called Andrew Anderson a soldier, against her families wishes.
Three years later Marjory comes back with her mind broken with what she has seen, and a babe in arms. She lives in the ruins of the 13th Century ruined cathedral, bringing her baby up in the Lady Chapel, his crib is a basin the priests would have washed their hands in. Her baby grows up to be General Anderson an incredibly wealthy man who builds a huge institute in the town within eyeline of the place he was brought up.
The intention is then to have Miss Pozzi and Majory have a gentle conversation. Marjory is a heavily emotional lady, but ends with her finally understanding what happened to her baby, Jessie takes the ghost out of the chapel for the first time.
I have been thinking about writing this story for ten years - really feel these ladies deserve something.
[This message has been edited by Kimlin (edited September 06, 2010).]
posted
Putting stuff in brackets is usually the reserve of first person POV (I may be wrong), but certainly it breaks the flow. Scary is achieved by reader immersion and anything that cuts into that should be avoided.
If it is a mist, then call it a mist.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited September 06, 2010).]
posted
The story is set in the North East of Scotland the mist that comes in off the sea is a haar. My intended market with the story is local to the area.
It was purely a courtesy for people reading it on the board. When I am writing the story I am including glossary footnotes for things like Stovies and Haar.
posted
Words that are foreign to the readers are usually italicized, by the way.
Since this is intended for people who would not consider words like haar to be foreign, you wouldn't need to italicize it in your manuscript.
However, for those of us who would consider it foreign, it would help if you were to tell us at the beginning of your post what the word means and why it isn't foreign to the intended readers.
posted
Thanks guess I struggle with the idea my own language is foreign, also it is dialect as opposed foreign language lol Have edited the post accordingly.
[This message has been edited by Kimlin (edited September 07, 2010).]
posted
Well, if the words in the dialect are "foreign" to your readers because they are particular to a dialect your readers are not acquainted with, then they qualify as foreign even if, in general, you both speak the "same language."
The thing is, the dialect retains words that are no longer part of the common vernacular, words that have to be defined (or inferred from the context).
Foreign isn't a bad thing, you know. I think your dialect words add color and depth to your 13 lines.
(Which reminds me. I remember being a little amused a few years ago by a remark from a young girl who was appalled to learn that people from other countries were occasionally referred to as "aliens." She was appalled because the only meaning she knew of for that word was "people from outer space," and she had no idea that the term originally meant "strange" or "foreign" and had been used to refer to extra-terrestrials only recently. I didn't tell her that "alienist" was what people used to call psychologists.)
posted
I think this will be a wonderful short story. I just want to know something. Who is Jessie? You have written;
quote: Jessie signs and enters the chapel. 'Jessie so good to see you.'
'You too Marjory,' says Jessie
I'm pretty sure you are saying Jessie makes the sign of the cross before entering the chapel. Am I right? But you have Jessie in all three sentences. Did Marjory say 'Jessie, so good to see you.'? Or did Jessie say that?
If Marjory did say, so good to see you, then this should be a separate indention, I think, denoting another speaker.
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Have edited the post accordingly.
