“You’re too late, Briar,” the old man growled coughing blood. “I’m already dead. Time beat you to it.” He took in a rattling breath. “Why would you want to arrest me now? What are you going to do, prosecute a dead body?”

“You do realize I can come back for you yesterday, now that I know where you’ll be?” He slipped off his sunglasses and hooked them on his tee shirt collar. The burnt wood floor crackled

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Second revision:

“Well, if it isn’t my ex-partner, Carlo Penzero.” Lucas Briar stepped into a burned out state room of an abandoned hotel. His sensor-specs scanned the perimeter of the building and identified the sole occupant on the Heads Up Display. It showed all temporal windows clear. No threats.

“You’re too late, Briar,” the older man rasped, bloody spittle dripping down his chin. “I’m already dead. Time beat you to it.” He took in a rattling breath. “Why would you want to arrest me now? What are you going to do, prosecute a dead body?”

Lucas smelled the stench of the death soaked mattress where Penzero lay. Daylight forced its way past the tear in the heat scorched window shade to illuminate his disintegrating body.

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Third Revision:

“Well, well, if it isn’t my old friend, Carlo Penzero. Hope you don’t mind if I let myself in.” Lucas Briar stepped into a burned out room of an abandoned hotel. His sensor-specs showed all temporal windows clear. No threats.

“You’re too late, Briar,” the older man rasped, bloody spittle dripping down his chin. “I’m already dead. Time beat you to it.” He took in a rattling breath. “Why would you want to arrest me now? What are you going to do, prosecute a dead body?”

“You’re still good at covering your tracks, I’ll give you that. It took me two years, eight cities, and forty years of time jumps to catch up with you. Even if you die on me now, I can still come back for you yesterday.” He slipped off his

And even though you didn't tell us, I'm going to guess, by way of the scene markers and the character's word choices that they're in an old-time town.

quote:

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Lucas Briar entered an abandoned state room in an derelict hotel. He stopped at the end of a filthy mattress on the floor where the withering body of his quarry lay

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It strikes me that some more specific/active verbs intead of "entered" and "stopped at the end" might make the opening paragraph a little more vivid. Ambled into an...? Sauntered into an? He kicked the end of a..? Just examples.

It might just be me, but dirty/filthy matress seems like a cliche. What does it look like? Water stained/blood stained/mildewed/bare matress? Not a big deal, just a thought.

Would the body be "withering" or just "withered"?

quote:

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through the splits of a decaying window shade

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splits in?

Does wood crackle? Maybe a different word would better describe the sound old wooden boards make.

[This message has been edited by Ethereon (edited September 13, 2010).]

Wow, Ethereon, you must have been in the room with me as I was writing. I was debating whether I should use of, or, in, for the shades. I guess I chose - poorly.

I do like the idea of changing the 'entered' verb and the mattress description, too. Thanks for that nit.

How does it look now?

but there's something that doesn't sit well with me and I'm not sure what. It sounds kinda mean but that's probably okay.

The mattress scene does sound cliche-ish. It's almost like that whole description breaks up the flow.

It has what it takes to be a grabber, the action is clear. Over all it has what it should but at the same time something isn't right.

Could be just my personal tastes or that I'm in a partially bad mood.

Thanks, Thomas for that observation. Made me think of another idea for a story.

Otherwise, I like the flow of the opening and I like the hook of time traveling bounty hunter, the I'll come back for you yesterday twist. I am a sucker for time-travel though, so I may not be the most impartial judge.

I've since changed a few things to show that it's definitely in the future and definitely not a western.

quote:

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PB&Jenny

Hmm... what if I make the mattress an old chair or couch. Would that bring it out of cliche for you, LD?

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I think it would sound better.

And it could be that Bemuses' quibble was part of the reason I felt that way about it.

I'm petty sure the pacing was off. But it also sounds like you may be fixing that.

I liked the switch from withered ot disintegrating. In this version, that is the main hook in the first 13, it adds greater weight to Penzero’s line “Time beat you to it” it makes me think that it may be some side effect of time travel gone wrong.

While I appreciate knowing that Penzero is Briar’s ex-partner, would Briar really address him as that? I like the “old friend” of the original; it had a more sarcastic tone to it. Like a hunter cornering trapped prey and mocking it. I also liked the “well, well” versus “well” but now I am getting ridiculously nit-picky.

I still think the double full names at the beginning are a stumbling point. What if you broke it up by doing something like this?

“Well, well. If it isn’t my old friend, Carlo Penzero. You’re a hard man to find.” Lucas Briar stepped into a burned out state room…”

"It showed all temporal windows clear. No threats."
This line wasn't half as powerful in showing the time travel element as the one about coming back yesterday.

Thanks everyone. I'm so glad you liked the first version as much as I do. I think I can work in the old west slant a little bit. it should work just fine with the rest of the story.