posted
Another revision to the first 13. Keep picking it apart! I'm learning a ton.
------ It's been twenty-four hours, and not one of the four scouts out on second recon has returned. Gert flies me over the entire recon area, but the team is nowhere to be seen among the endless trees. “Laru, you know the protocol.” Gert looks at me nervously as he says this. He's expecting me to resist – and I do. “Can't we wait just a little longer?” Gert sighs. I can almost hear what he's thinking: she's losing her mother. It's enough to bend his rigid adherence to protocol. “I can ask for another six hours. But then we'll have to return to shipbase.” We touch back down at planetbase. There's still no one waiting for us. The uncertainty has me crawling out of my ------
posted
Much, much better! I have no criticism, and would definitely turn the page. This is much cleaner, and more clear. I'm impressed by your ability to learn from feedback so quickly - wish I could be as good a student. Posts: 470 | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
I realise you are new and am aware I am not the Hatrack police, but if have a look how others have done it you won't clog up the short works section with multiple versions of the same opening.
Generally people edit their original post and insert a revised version under the first one (so people can compare). It keeps it simpler.
Obviously once you have put a new version at the top you simply post on your own thread that you have put a new version up.
posted
Thanks, skadder. Kathleen already filled me in on proper protocol, but not until I'd already created these three threads. Will stick to it in the future.
Posts: 381 | Registered: Oct 2010
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posted
I think the portmanteaus of 'shipbase' and 'planetbase' are unnecessary and a little awkward, unless this is specific terminology used by the group your characters belong to.
Posts: 44 | Registered: Dec 2006
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posted
Have been reading your previous versions (but you're quick and moving on to the next draft before I post comments!) and this version got me. I'd keep reading. Well done.
Posts: 33 | Registered: Oct 2010
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posted
I forgot to mention that I really like this, the criticism about the portmanteaus is the only one I have.
Posts: 44 | Registered: Dec 2006
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posted
Thanks for all the feedback, everyone. I've got the story out to three readers, heard back from two. I did have to move the beginning - starting with the scene above didn't let me develop the story as it needed to before the main event, without resorting to flashback or "as you know, bob" (and in my MC's case, she'd have been talking to herself!). This was a great exercise, and I learned a ton, so you will all be suffering my first 13s for a while to come yet. :-)
Posts: 381 | Registered: Oct 2010
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