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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Letting Go of and Electruc Blue Soda -- alternate intro

   
Author Topic: Letting Go of and Electruc Blue Soda -- alternate intro
Ethereon
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This story is from a recent challenge.

Slightly revised intro:

quote:
My parents were biological Luddites. Were, because of course they died in their ignorance long ago. And the violence of their protest was not some inconsequential industrial sabotage; it was wreaked on the flesh of their own children: Down’s Syndrome, cerebral-palsy, diabetes, schizophrenia. No reprieve of gene therapy, no implanted augmentations, and of course no mental download under their care. But that was more than three hundred years ago and today is the celebration of a new life.
Today I will meet my daughter.
More than five years of anticipation have made me jittery with pent up excitement, but maybe that’s just the extra energy of my wife's consciousness riding shotgun on my neural pathways. Lilia's laughter sparkles behind my eyes.


VS

More revised intro:

quote:
My parents were biological Luddites. Were, because of course they died in their ignorance long ago. And the violence of their protest was not some inconsequential industrial sabotage; it was wreaked on the flesh of their own children: Down’s Syndrome, cerebral-palsy, diabetes, schizophrenia. Under their care we were denied the reprieve of gene therapy or implanted augmentations—even speaking of mental download was forbidden. But that was more than three hundred years ago and today is the celebration of a new life that has had every modern advantage since the moment of conception.
Today I will meet my daughter.
More than five years of anticipation have made me jittery with pent up excitement, but maybe that’s just the extra energy of my

Thoughts?

[This message has been edited by Ethereon (edited November 04, 2010).]


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Grayson Morris
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First off: both really, really good.

I like the "Under their care we were denied..." sentence better than its counterpart in the first version, but I prefer the first version of the "But that was more than three hundred years ago..." sentence. Put those together (and remove the hyphen in cerebral palsy, and add a comma in "...years ago, and today is...") and I'm totally hooked.


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babooher
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This sounded like a good info dump, and I mean that in the nicest way. It is an interesting info dump. I wasn't skimming over it to get to the good stuff. I was enjoying the info.

Having said that, I'm not so sure I'd start with it. It takes a while to get to any action, and I wonder if there could be more movement interwoven with the info. Instead of starting before the meeting, why not start with the meeting? Then, the comparison between parent and techchild is laced with movement.


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snapper
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Have you considered rewriting this with an internal dialog sequence? I know the circumstances of your story. You have two characters riding inside one persons head (so to speak). This could allow you a rare opportunity to side step a few rules of writing. Not sure if it would turn out better, but may be worth exploring.
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Brendan
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I thought these were better than the one that you did in the challenge, but found the second was clearer than the first (except for the extension of the "But that was more" sentence. However, both seem to promise some sort of conflict with the parents, or with the parents' memory. While that was an underlying tone in the story, I didn't think it was as strong as these openings suggest. Perhaps what snapper suggested might delay the information long enough to reduce its seeming importance.
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Grayson Morris
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I haven't read the story, so I don't know what the focus is, but the way it starts, I'm expecting largely event-driven, with some character development. So I'm fine with the info-rich intro rather than a dialog-driven one.
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sojoyful
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So it sounds like some people don't mind the expository intro, and others do. Personally, I'm in the camp of those that would avoid it. As babooher said, it's a very well written passage (I agree that the first "But that was more..." was preferable), but for me it seems unecessary. It functions like a voiceover, but I think the next line is very strong without that. The story begins with "Today I will meet my daughter." It's punchy, and if you omit the intro, the italicization of 'my' will lend mystery to the first sentence.
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dysfunction
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I like this, it's very well-written, but maybe it should be your second paragraph rather than your first? Perhaps make the last two sentences the first two, give a little hook before you start explaining things?
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Ethereon
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Thanks for your help folks. Very much appreciated.
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