posted
*revised* They had all come to die. The giggling procession of a half-dozen, reeking of privilege and position, was enough to make Horan shudder. Killing had been more fun when those he had killed did not pay him for the honor. Since the advent of focused reincarnation, his thrill was gone. Eking out a living this way had stirred within him unnatural thoughts, suicidal thoughts.
Spoiled-rotten little...Horan squirmed in his seat. So quick to defy their own parents, they would skip off into the next life to do so. Watching as the techs ushered them to their consoles, Horan's jaw flexed as he subconsciously chewed all their heads. He perked a little and sat forward as he caught that moment of reluctant awareness they all get when they sit down. Horan grinned, and turned
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree' self-aware "Smart Phone (edited November 22, 2010).
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited November 22, 2010).]
posted
The first paragraph totally rocks. Hooked me in the first six words. Reveals a great deal, all in the mind of Horan, all through his thoughts, which is a technique I love.
The second paragraph disappointed, after that. It was much more "tellery." What comes after that para? Maybe scrap it and go straight to that...
A few nitpicks:
"A giggling procession..." or "The giggling procession..." sounds better to me. You don't need the first comma in the last sentence of the first para: "Eking out a living this way had stirred..." Use "him" instead of "himself" in that sentence.
There are more errors/infelicities in the second para, but I'll leave those untouched, in hopes you'll post a different second para. :-)
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