posted
Lieutenant Hodges lay upon the spongy alien substrate, staring vacantly into the starry sky. Clenching his emergency beacon just as he had for the last sixty-eight mission hours that had past since his lander had been swallowed into an unpredicted quake. Why had he even been assigned this mission? Demeaning his potential as a scout in a system the fleet didn't even yet occupy. He had been sent on a fools errand, to evaluate an uninteresting non-sentient race. This was a droid's job. Now he would die here, alone and having attained nothing. Graduating at the head of officer training, striving at every placement since, and all for naught. He starred into the small orange glow of his beacon silently wishing for a cyanide cap like agents of the days of old. Starvation, out of the question. The
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 27, 2010).]
posted
Sorry, BT, I don't like this. It reads to much like an info dump.
May I suggest you reconsider your narration? Try some inner monologue or have him talk out loud to himself. Throw in some actions. Something like...
Hodges examined the twisted strip of metal in his hand. It had once been a part of lateral landing pad. Now it, like the rest of his lander, was useless junk. He stood and threw the boomer-ranged shaped out into the red desert. It clanged as it bounced off the black rocks before burying itself into the fine red sand. "Thanks General Tree! Thank you so much for sending me on a mission a droid could have done!"
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I agree with snapper - the premise of your story could go interesting places, but it's hard to engage with the way it's written. Snapper's rewrite gives you a great idea how to make the image come alive and impart the information you want to give the reader while drawing them into the action.
Posts: 381 | Registered: Oct 2010
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posted
I see a lot of crash-landing story starts here, so I wonder if editors are tired of them. This one is at the end of a crash landing and might get the same reaction from an editor.
So consider starting just after the MC has gotten out of this mess (which I assume happens), and work in the back story of your present opening later.
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