posted
Hi everyone, my first post here. I am looking for anyone that wants to give this a full read, too. It's for a contest on On the Premises that wants it to be a short story about a character questing for the answer to some question. (Due January 29th) ___ That blasted CloudwalkeržOlin thought as he clutched his makeshift knife in his sweaty grip. That cursed White Hand dog. He was trying to work up the courage, the hatred, to do it. He had never killed anyone before, and despite what he thought about the men who had killed his parents, something about murdering one still felt wrong to him. A nagging feeling inside of him that told him there had to be another way to get to the Cloud Dunes. Then he knew what it was. It made him feel like one of them. Olin pushed the guilt from his mind. This was necessary. It was right. Most importantly, it was the only way for him to know for sure what made them different from the Earthenbound. He had to go up and see for himself.
[This message has been edited by Zenner (edited January 12, 2011).]
Is Olin on a hill? in a monastery? There is nothing that describes anything external to him apart from the knife and his sweaty palms. I like to build up a picture, but there is nothing to build up here--it is mostly internal attitudes and info-dumping.
I don't find myself agreeing with his reason to kill - 'to find out what made them different' seems a little spurious and makes your character seem a little hot-headed.
There are a lot of unexplained terms: Cloudwalker; White Hand dog; Cloud Dunes; Earthenbound. Too many unexplained terms simply fosters confusion and makes me feel less engaged--they don't hook me.
posted
I think it's a good start. Olin is caught in a serious conflict and isn't really equipped (emotionally or even with a good knife!) to deal with it. Violence among factions puts him and others at risk (too late for his parents). Sounds like it should make a good story.
A few things I noted:
A nagging feeling inside of him You don't need the "inside of him" part, unless his feeling is outside of him <!!> -- being it's a nice tight personal POV, whose else would it be? <g>
know for sure what made them different from the Earthenbound Made who different? I assume you're referring to one of those other factions but I still tripped over this.
Also, I probably would have made it "more important" rather than "most importantly", just to cut a syllable and get a more intense forward rhythm. "Most" puts a sense of finality on his thoughts, when he really isn't that sure yet.
Personally I have come to dislike the construction "pushed whatever from his mind" even tho I've wound up using it a few times myself. Despite being a reasonable shorthand for "lots of verbiage about how we stopped thinking about whatever", it always makes it seem like it was too easy for the character to do. <grumble> You might substitute a simple "No." for the entire phrase.
Nits aside, overall I like it. Also, I think the various terms (Cloudwalker, White Hand, etc.) fit together thematically.
posted
I think it's a little heavy on the introspection. Try interspersing the thoughts with little action (even just creeping a step forward or readjusting his grip on the knife.)
I also got a little confused with all the names and terms.
The hook is compelling. Tough moral dilemma. Carry on.
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