posted
I was browsing a writing forum and ran across a writing contest that intrigued me, so I wrote up a short story based on the guidelines. It's very short (<600 words) I'd like to see what you guys think, and if you have any ideas on it. The deadline isn't until March 11, so I have time for review and edits. It required the use of at least one of 25 pictures and one of 21 quotes. I chose this picture:
and these quotes: 9. Each individual carries a world within himself. [Unknown] 20. Death makes angels of us all and gives us wings where we had shoulders smooth as ravens claws. [Jim Morrison]
So here's my entry: It's called "Faceless Angels"
Thunder rumbled and echoed through the cavernous rooms of the empty castle. The relentless wind whistled endlessly through the chinks and rattled the ancient windows. Then, suddenly, the storm was over and the wind died. In the deepening silence, not even the breathing of the twelve soldiers could be heard, nor the officer who stood before them, watching the trembling woman who cowered before them. In perfect file, dressed in black unmarked uniforms, each bearing an unmarked, perfectly oiled rifle at their sides, and completely immobile, they could have been mistaken by any passer-by who might make them out of the murky hall as statues of some damned army.
Presently, a regular, precise clicking could be heard. Click, click, click came the sound of heels on ancient stone, drawing near.
[This message has been edited by Fahrion Kryptov (edited January 30, 2011).]
posted
Okay, I lied. I woke up last night and added 900 lines. The POV is third person on the officer.
Although now I'm confused. The extra lines add more to the story (I guess). Followed through with what was set up in the first 600. Except it now seems more like "How Johnny joined the dark army of village slaughterers" than an insight into insight into the humanity of men who seem like monsters.
So I've decided to hold off on critique until I've determined the scope of my story. Thanks for the feedback on the first 13. On a second look, it does need to be broken up.
posted
Although I like the picture you're painting, I was concerned about the "extra words" that you really can't afford if your story is only 600. You have adjectives that in some cases are simply unnecessary, and at other times are repeating what you've already said. Here is your original post trimmed down (just as an example, since you plan to rewrite):
quote:Thunder echoed through the empty castle. The relentless wind whistled through the chinks and rattled the ancient windows. Suddenly, the storm was over. In the silence, not even the breathing of the twelve soldiers and their officer could be heard, watching the woman who cowered before them. Dressed in black unmarked uniforms, each bearing a perfectly oiled rifle, and completely immobile, they could have been mistaken in the murky hall as statues. Click, click, click came the sound of heels on ancient stone, drawing near.
Keep it tight...
[This message has been edited by NoTimeToThink (edited January 30, 2011).]
posted
I like the imagery too. Dark and brooding. Feels like it wants to be more than flash fic, tho.
OT... when folks have a long URL in a post, it messes up the linewrap ... I'm having to sidescroll like mad to read these posts. If you use TinyURL the problem goes away.
posted
Or you can use UBB code to create a link in your post.
The link in my previous paragraph will take you to the page that shows you how to code links. And if you click on the pencil and paper (edit) icon for this post, you will see how I used the code to create the link.
You can go directly to the page by clicking on the words
*UBB Code is ON
which are underlined and immediately to the left of any reply box on the forum.
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