posted
Here is my original entry for the Entering the Unknown (Afraid) contest:
quote:Screw that village and its “traditions”. Whatever happened to drawing lots? If Penelope ever got out of this situation, she would show them. The cowards were lucky to have grabbed her in her sleep or they would have had a real fight on their hands, not just the few shots to the groin she had managed.
As the rope bore into her wrists, the cleric crossed his chest and gave her a shove. She tumbled into the cave, pelting down a long series of granite steps and hitting the slimy floor with a thud. There was a pervasive stench and the only light was up ahead. The dragon snarled and the lair brightened.
Penelope freed herself with a broken stalagmite; it was over a foot long and serrated. She donned a wicked grin as she held it. This was going to be that dragon’s worst day ever.
I am not anywhere close to being done, but I would like some early feedback on some changes. My difficulty is how to slow down the opening and keep the attitude. Any comments are welcomed. Here is my updated opening:
Screw that village and its “traditions”. Whatever happened to drawing lots? If Penelope ever got out of this situation, she would show them. The cowards were lucky to have grabbed her in her sleep or they would have had a real fight on their hands, not just the few shots to the groin she had managed.
“I’m not even a virgin!” she shouted to the surrounding mob outside the mouth of the cave. There were gasps of disbelief, obviously not of her impropriety, but of her admission. She struggled as the Barley twins, Thog and Grog, held her in their grips, pain still evident in their mannerisms. However, the more Penelope struggled, the more the rope bore into her wrists.
Lord Kornin leaned forward and said, “We commit this...er, sacrifice...unto thee, oh Seranthra. May it please thee, and
posted
I like the second opening. It does seem to keep the attitude while slowing things down a bit. I like that it doesn't slow things to a crawl either.
quote:She struggled as the Barley twins, Thog and Grog, held her in their grips, pain still evident in their mannerisms.
By adding Thog and Grog I stumbled over the sentence. I don't know if it important that you define the twins so closely or not, but if not I would cut that to read:
"She struggled as the Barley twins held her in their grips, pain still evident in their mannerisms."
You identify a lot of people in such a short time: Penelope, Thog and Grog, Lord Kornin.
posted
I like the first version well enough (I like right-out-of-the-box action), except that it goes a little too fast, to the point where we didn't even find out why this was happening.
That said, I'm thinking your recent efforts intensified my connectivity to the story: I found out more about Penelope, more about the village and its attitudes, and was also introduced to additional characters.
I like the rewrite....although, I'm still debating about the names Thog and Grog.
posted
I like the first one better but mostly because this is my favorite line.
quote:This was going to be that dragon’s worst day ever.
I like that you are expanding the back story, although I'm not sure how much you really need in the intro. I'm also with the "lose the Thog and Grog" group, but I appreciate the alliteration. My favorite line is also what tells you that the girl is the “Savage Beast” which is one of the most fun things about this story. I just hate to lose that line out of the intro. Posts: 456 | Registered: Aug 2008
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posted
I prefer the 2nd version - not as rushed, and I like the attitude better. Caution: unless we already know that your heroine is a super-heroine, that whole falling dow the stairs into the hole should result in her being injured, stunned, or unconscious to be believable. Keep Thog & Grog - I like the sound and the image it paints.
Posts: 406 | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
I also liked the "worst day ever" line. I worked really hard to keep it during the contest. But I also agreed that the story moved too fast. I don't see a way of keeping it in the first 13 without making it seem rushed.
Concerning Thog and Grog, I need to make her chances against the dragon believable. Thog and Grog were supposed to give the image of two hulking oafs. Here's a possible change:
quote:She struggled as the hulking Barley twins held her in their grips, pain still evident in their mannerisms.
I have already been working on the effects of falling down the stairs. Thanks for mentioning it though.
[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited February 22, 2011).]
posted
In agreement with others on liking the second opening better and losing "Thog and Grog." Adding "hulking" is good. Or "thick-witted," maybe?
I imagine the much-loved "worst day ever" line will be making its appearance in the new version, just not in the first thirteen. This is going to be a fun story to read!
posted
These are two different stories. The first is go-gettum, the second is comic. I like the first, would not read far in the 2nd, but comic seldom appeals to me.
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