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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Broken Reeds, SF, 2469 words

   
Author Topic: Broken Reeds, SF, 2469 words
Arnen123
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Member # 9428

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Hi guys/gals,

Was wondering if anybody would be willing to read my story, 'Broken Reeds'?

Here's the first 13:

Even Lall had to admire the geometry of Hem Khatry's death, how the corpse acquired an onion dome symmetry, reeked a proportionate amount. Perfect in every way.

His master was only the latest. The flux deflated the innards, inflated the rest.Three hundred had already died in the City of The Intricate Heart that month. Yet, to Lall, it was the only death, first axiom to manumission.

That's why he cried, as he rolled the corpse into the the narrow alley street, occupied the remaining space. Forced to sympathize, more than one passerby dropped a meal stamp just

[This message has been edited by Arnen123 (edited April 21, 2011).]


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NoTimeToThink
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This feels like a very strong start. Sorry I don't have time to read now.
"acquired an onion dome symmetry, reeked a proportionate amount" sounds interesting, but I only have a vague feeling of what it actually means - might want to clarify.

Didn't know what manumission was - had to look it up. Thanx for the education, but some readers won't bother and will either not understand or stop reading. Consider making it clearer.



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MYMoore
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Strong start. You've given clues to an intricately detailed world. That you made clear early on that killing his master is the first step to Lall's freedom intrigued me. I instantly wondered what else was there. I also wanted to read more to find out how the killing and his crying tied into the meal stamps he received. Why is he a slave?

Very well written. If there were more than 13 lines I definitely would continue reading.

~MyM


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Arnen123
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Thanks for the comments! Been real busy so haven't checked the forum. MyMoore, I actually have the full story with a revised intro. If you don't mind, can I email to you for a critique? Thanks.
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