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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Emails 1, 200 Words Sci-Fi

   
Author Topic: Emails 1, 200 Words Sci-Fi
EVOC
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So this morning I woke up with this story idea. And at first chance I threw the words on the paper. It was written quickly, but I was eager to get the first 13 up. Tomorrow I will give it a read over then I will want to send it out to people for a full crit.

So I would like to know your crits if this first 13, would you read on, and if you are interested in doing a full crit.

So here you go:

Emails

To: “Dad”
From: “Miles”
Sent 08/6/2035 Subject: Test
Dad, I think I figured it out. How to travel time! Or at least I think I figured it out. Well not travel time, but at least send a message. Please, reply. Love, Miles.

Steve finished reading the email he just discovered in his spam folder. He looked around the laptop screen at Miles playing on the floor with his younger brothers. Miles clutched the toy space shuttle tightly while he pretended it was talking to the other toys. He hovered the mouse over the delete button, but stopped short for clicking it. What the hell, he clicked “reply”.


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bobbyshane
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I'm sure some people will say time travel is overdone, but when you have a good emotional concept with it, who can argue with you? The concept gave me chills, man. Of course, I'm a father as well. I wanna give this a read over even more now!

One thing that stuck out to me (and this might already be completely obvious to you) was this:

Dad, I THINK I figured it out. How to travel time! Or at least I THINK I figured it out.

Maybe change to:

Dad, I figured it out, how to travel time! Or at least I think I figured it out.

Same idea, get to cut some words bonus all around.

This better be in my inbox soon


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axeminister
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The only thing I didn't care for was the word combo "travel time".
That's how long it takes me to get to my distination.

Travel in time - maybe. Or the traditional - travel through time. Or time travel, but not travel time.

I'm woefully behind on some crits, but I can fit 1200 words in at work, so you may send over.

Axe


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EVOC
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Bobby and Axe you should have it now. Thanks for taking some time.
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