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Author Topic: "...A Room Without Windows"
History
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“You need go to the Library.”
My great grandfather’s voice still relayed the tone of command, despite the tinny wheeze of his prosthetics. A fragmentation mine had liquified his right lung and windpipe in the Carolina conflict of ‘58. I sat by his bedside, as I did each week. The hospice for veterans was on the 362nd floor of the East Side Tower. He’d noticed the dark circles beneath my eyes, and had interrogated me. I had finally shared with him the strange visions I’d been having. His response confused me.
“What’s a...Library?”
He frowned at my ignorance. “It’s a repository of books.”
I looked down at my hands which were worrying my Tab between them, and his eyes followed mine.

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babooher
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I enjoyed this. I appreciate that my nose wasn't shoved into the scifi aspects of the story. I won't say it was subtle (362nd floor isn't subtle) but it wasn't pushy either.

The only problem I had is that the word library is unknown to the protagonist. I'm no linguist, but since computers use the term library (I have a music library on my computer, photo library, document library, etc) I find it hard to believe the word would have been lost. Misunderstood, maybe, but not lost.

I'd read more if you have more.


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axeminister
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Dr. B, I feel compelled to crit your 13 once again...
Aren't you lucky?

362 floors is really, really tall. I'm not an engineer, but even in a future society, that height just might not be possible. What would the ground floors have to be made of? And, would it even be in atmosphere anymore?

"I sat by his bedside, as I did each week. The hospice for veterans was on the 362nd floor of the East Side Tower."
These two sentences have no bearing on the story. In fact, they quite get in the way. The first sentence of the two felt exceptionally wrong. It's probably not technically a fragment, but if you read it by itself, it doesn't sound right. Like there should be something else in there.

You refer to dialog that happened just before your story started. I'm always told to just write the dialog. (Unless it's something like - I filled them in on what such and such said.) I had to read that several times to realize he was referring to something that came before the first sentence. (Kinda flashbacky.)

"He frowned at my ignorance." borders on POV violation, but seems OK in context because I can assume that's what he would be frowning at, but it also reads OK without the word ignorance.

"Worrying my Tab"
No clue. But I'm thinking that's a part of your world and will be explained, so that's no prob.

These are all nits. I quite liked the read and am eager to see where it goes.

Axe


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skadder
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quote:
“You need go to the Library.”
My great grandfather’s voice still relayed the tone of command, despite the tinny wheeze of his prosthetics. A fragmentation mine had liquified his right lung and windpipe in the Carolina conflict of ‘58. I sat by his bedside, as I did each week. The hospice for veterans was on the 362nd floor of the East Side Tower. He’d noticed the dark circles beneath my eyes, and had interrogated me. I had finally shared with him the strange visions I’d been having. His response confused me.
“What’s a...Library?”
He frowned at my ignorance. “It’s a repository of books.”
I looked down at my hands which were worrying my Tab between them, and his eyes followed mine.

Hi Dr. Bob!

What follows is merely my opinion and should be taken as such.

1. Starting with dialogue is apparently considered cliche, although I do it (I try and avoid it, if I can). I think it is worth asking yourself why you are jumping in with dialogue. It is usually jarring, unless it contains some sort of hook, i.e. "Of course, if I delete my body I will only be left with a frog and a carrot."

2.
Typo? You need TO go to...

>My great grandfather’s voice still relayed the tone of command, despite the tinny wheeze of his prosthetics.

A little clunky. By that I mean it feels a little like direct speak from the author. Can you describe the iron in his voice or the glint in his eye to convey his 'tone of command' without actually telling us directly. or tell us how it was experienced by the narrator--you seem to have opted for an in between version that feels a little filtered. You can mix in the prosthetic wheeze into his dialogue like a stutter, etc.

3. A fragmentation mine had liquified his right lung and windpipe in the Carolina conflict of ‘58. I sat by his bedside, as I did each week.

This feels like an info dump (too early for on, IMO). Try: Imagine you're sitting watching this old guy as he is speaking. Your eye drifts from the prosthetic at his neck to the silvery scars spidering across his clammy skin as his struggles for each breath. You remember that landmines were banned after the Carolina Conflict in 58, too late for Grandpa, though. This way you haven't told anyone anything, but the reader can put it together. Grandpa was injured in Carolina in 58 by a mine that hit his chest and throat.

As a reader, I prefer stuff not to know how I become aware of stuff in a story, the more ninja-like you get in my head the better.

4.

>The hospice for veterans was on the 362nd floor of the East Side Tower.

Same as for number 3, although the solution will be different.

5.

>He’d noticed the dark circles beneath my eyes, and had interrogated me. I had finally shared with him the strange visions I’d been having. His response confused me.

This is retrospective--like a flashback. I would avoid it. it feels like you should have started with the visions (they are potentially your most interesting candidate for a hook IF you can deliver something unusual or mysterious when you present them).

6. Tab drink? If you are looking at the drink, how do you know his eyes followed yours? If you say 'glanced' it means more 'quick look' and allows for you glancing back at Grandpa after and seeing where he looks. I am not getting why he is worrying the Tab.

Overall: I am not really hooked. Not to say you can't hook me, just that this intro doesn't really do it for me.

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited July 28, 2011).]


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History
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Thank you all for your feedback.

This was a pre-awakening alpha wave story that snared me the other night. The setting is a future controlled society in the tradition of fellow Mainer Lois Lowry's THE GIVER and, as the story has developed, William F Nolan's LOGAN'S RUN.
"The Council is Wise, the Administrators Just, the People Steadfast." A society of citizens, rote-schooled /indoctrinated, observed and selected, and Assigned to Guilds.

Our MC is a citizen trying to belong but having difficulty fitting in. He wants to. However, he's unable to answer the Administrators' "Who are you?" and take his place in the system. And he Dreams.

The "Tab" is a futurized Tablet, all-purpose universal Communicator/Web Browser/Resource. Resource is a repository of all human knowledge, that is all human knowledge permissible by the Council and Administrators.

The Library is "off-line" as it were. And it is there he may find his answer to the question "Who are you?"

I am not concerned overmuch myself with the engineering problems of 362 story towers (recalling Robert Silverberg's classic PB cover for THE WORLD INSIDE http://www.scifi.darkroastedblend.com/2009/03/robert-silverbergs-world-inside.html ). The wonder of such a tower is what I seek, and it is otherwise immaterial to the story other than the sense of insect-like human colonies and the sense of a human response to overpopulation. Future science has addressed the issue, even if we cannot imagine how. If I return to this world, perhaps I'll play with the "how." For now it is unnecessary.

A dystopian tale at a time of change.
As such, not very original. But perhaps it will be entertaining.
My problem at the moment is I see the need to increase the tension of the story with action/chase from his Soldier brother who is angry at the MC's inconstancy (a pejorative), the disgrace he brings to their family, and he attempts to stop our MC in his quest for The Library. This will require a story change to 3rd person, or I may experiment with mixing both and see how this works (or doesn't). I'll need to think on this a bit more

"For though he was master of the world, he was not quite sure what to do next.

But he would think of something"
--2001: A Space Odyssey, Arthur C. Clarke

Respectfully,
Dr. Bob


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LDWriter2
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Hmmm, I read it so I will say a couple of things even though you already have a couple of crits that say more than I would.

I would read on because you got my curiosity up. And even though not original it sounds like it could be entertaining.


Your description of it reminded me a rather short story I read years ago. In a society like the one you want a guy is having problems finding his place. They keep changing his job putting him lower and lower on the job scale finally he made a discovery and while everyone thought he was on the very bottom rung job he had become the society's secret ruler. Obviously the story was meant to be light hearted in contrast to yours.


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