posted
hello. the genre is Speculative Fiction or possibly Speculative Horror. this first draft of the story is completed and it's about 5,980 words. here are the first 13 lines, and i would like volunteers to read the entire piece. and i suppose this may be PG-13. thank you.
"Natural Police"
A cold wind knifed through the Mirage as the door opened. A chill went up Jung Hyun’s spine, and she looked up to see Christopher sweep into the bar and smile broadly at her.
“Must you always be so ****ing early, Rachel?” He dropped down into the seat opposite her with a thump. “You know I’m never on time.” He leaned in towards her. “You’re trying to make me feel guilty.”
Jung Hyun frowned. She hated it when he called her that. Her full name was Kim Jung Hyun, but she gave her American name, Rachel, to most people she met. Christopher could say her Korean name easily if he wanted too yet chose not to.
Christopher placed his fingers over her’s, rubbed the flesh of her hand. She could barely feel the sensation in it, and she knew he knew.
Posts: 1216 | Registered: Nov 2011
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posted
I'm afraid I'm not up for reading the entire thing. I hope you find readers.
In the first sentence it isn't clear what the Mirage is. As this is spec-fic it could be anything. I think it is important to be as clear as poss in these first lines.
I don't like the asterisks, but perhaps that is a Hatrack thing? I would prefer to see the word itself. But if I do insert a swear word of my choice into the gap, it makes Christopher so horrid, I'm not sure I want to read about him. My suspicion is that in a story of 6K, you have time to introduce him a little less full on. Here, he swears, is late, blames her, calls her the wrong name, and does something intrusive to her hand. It is so obvious that you want us to dislike him that I feel a little manhandled. I think you could take that character development a little slower and use some of those vital introductory words to let the reader know more about why Jung is there.
No apostrophe in her's.
I might not read on, as I've been infected with the meme that says opening stories in bars is wrong. Also, personally, police stories don't really interest me, so there is no hook there.
My suggestion to ignore is that you let us know as soon as possible the relationship between them, why she is there and how she feels about it. Also, how she feels about this bar in particular. If you are going to open in a bar, I think you may have to work your socks off to make it an original one, at least to the MC.
Hope some of this is interesting/useful. Ignore the stuff that isn't.
posted
It took me a couple reads to figure out that "Mirage" must be the name of the bar.
i agree that Christopher comes on strongly--perhaps a bit too strongly. He is a major jerk, and that makes me concerned he will turn out to be just a villain with no nuance, which is generally a big turn-off for me.
I'm mildly hooked. I'd read on to see how the story developed in the next page or so, specifically in regards to my sympathy for her and the question of why she is sticking with this guy. I don't see a speculative element right off the bat. The last line is ambiguous--plenty of neurological conditions (i.e. stroke) could explain her lack of sensation.
Posts: 2185 | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
I like this. I like the voice. The first sentence does feel just a tad bit off...something about "the door" seems to maybe ask for something a little more descriptive or place-setting, but I'm not sure what.
The thing this really seems to want, I think, is to include a reason, a guess or speculation on her part as to why he chooses not to use her Korean name, or for her to at least wonder why he doesn't.
I'm not really turned off by Chris...he doesn't seem that overbearing, for the type of character he seems to be, to me. I too wonder at their relationship, but in a good way...I'm sure it'll be revealed.
The ***'s are a Hatrack software thing.
Go ahead and send me the full story and I'll get to it as I can.
Posts: 2626 | Registered: Apr 2008
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posted
hello annepin. if you like,i can send you two pages and you can decide if you want to read more. either way, thanks for your comments.
merlion, i will email you the complete story. as i said, it's about 5,980 words, or almost 20 pages double spaced. also, thanks for your reply.
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