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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Chewing Fat in Scary Land (WIP) 6k Rated-R

   
Author Topic: Chewing Fat in Scary Land (WIP) 6k Rated-R
Bent Tree
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A twist on scary tales. This one has some rough language, and well...cannabalism for those whom are sensitive to such. Want to see if this is a page turner, and looking for a few good readers as well.


The scent twisted his olfactory like a drill. " Fattie, tell whoever is burning garlic what I would like them to know."
"Yes Chef!" Fatty turned from the stove to face the brigade. "Those whom burn garlic, deserve to die. Get your **** packed. Get the **** out of this kitchen, and consider a career as a shoemaker."
Chef didn't even look up to see whom he had just expelled from his kitchen. Duke and Dutchess arriving in hours, and three perfectly aged humans in the hangar to cut and roast. Another offensive scent caught him from down the line. "Could someone please explain to me why the bouquet garni has already been put into the brain stock? Hold on, let me see who cannot put there shoes on the right feet. It is about as basic."


Also, really interested in how you feel about the MC. Is he too unlikeable?

[ November 28, 2011, 12:24 PM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]

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History
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Love it. I love the language, the characters, the description, the anticipation of the feast to come.

And I like the disagreeable MC (perhaps this says something about me).

Respectfully,
Dr. Bob

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Bent Tree
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Thanks, Dr. Bob

I am trying this "Write what you know" approach. Glad to see it may be working.

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History
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You know about cannabalism and Zombie fodder?

Now, that's scary.

Respectfully,
Dr. Bob

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Merlion-Emrys
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No he isn't. It has a great feel and voice to it and personally I'm very curious as to what the duke and duchess in question actually are.
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OliverBuckram
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This was nice. MC seemed appropriately drawn

A couple thoughts:

(1) Fatty vs Fattie

(2) I am not sure "twisted like a drill" works. And do you mean "his olfactory sense"?

(3) Duke and Dutchess. I think maybe you need a "the" in front.

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Tiergan
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A cooking story from the chef, how appropriate.
1)No the MC isnt too unlikable. The voice soften's the blow.
2)there shoes, I believe should be their shoes.

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Bent Tree
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Good catch Tiergan. Thanks for the feedback, everyone.
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Uley Bone
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Smirks-- a little character in the dialogue, as well as some set up in the back-drop of a hectic, somewhat, everyday pitch for the daily bread, and perhaps a few coins in the end. Pretty much everything else has been mentioned prior that I took note of-- not losing the character in the plot is something to take note of. I have seen that happen with some other writers--- but yeah, I'd likely read this.

Uley

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honu
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I like the voice and the "hook" to me is: "What are these things?"
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Denevius
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kind of an interesting beginning, but it gives no hint as to where the story is going. the first line made me stumble, also. it's a bit heavy handed figuratively maybe for the opening line in a story. i'll read more, though, if you're looking for readers.
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Dame
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Hi,

I found "olfactory" unclear, especially in the first sentence. Does it hint he is not human and therefore has a different sensory apparatus? Is it a smelling machine thingy he carries and twists to get readings?

I like the tone and didn't find the MC too nasty.

If the chef is in such a hurry, his last speech is a little verbose, perhaps. You could cut "Hold on, let me see," without losing the sense. Also the word "about." You could also lose "could someone explain to me."

Good luck with it.

D

Ps. Love the title. [Smile]

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