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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » the first 13 of my story tentatively called , "The Deal"

   
Author Topic: the first 13 of my story tentatively called , "The Deal"
gyanavani
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Hi,
I would like your opinion on the beginning. I don't want to give you any background information because I want to see whether the story stands on its own.

"Now!Now!" Venkaiah muttered to himself his desperate eyes fixed on the fast disappearing sun.

All morning he'd waited for the sun's rays to point his next step out to him. His employer had come; and his employer had left; but he had not received the sign to ask him for help.

The sun dipped west. He left his office. With heavy feet, he brushed past the evening crowd on Market Street and turned on to the unpaved path that led to his home. Here, facing the dying sun, he stopped.

He looked up. The sky here had taken on the hue of night. Stars twinkled maliciously. In their cold depth he saw the faces of his five daughters. Their mocking voices rang within his heart's darkness. There would be no fancy English medium school

[ December 20, 2011, 04:59 PM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]

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Denevius
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it's a little confusing. it took me several readings to realize that the "Now! Now!", meant it was time for the character to do something because the sun had set. but questions abound, like who the employer is, why the employer came, and why he/she left; also, who are the five lost daughters, who is the sun, and what is this school.

overall, i'm not sure what's going on.

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anarresti
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Reads like: He wants to get his son into a certain school and he needs the help of his employer to do it. However, he is waiting for some kind of "sign" that it's the right time to ask his employer to intervene for him. The sign doesn't come and he trudges home in sadness.
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Denevius
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hm. that does untangle it, but that doesn't make for the most engaging beginning as it leaves little at stake.
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gyanavani
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Thanks for the response. I will need to think of how to make the beginning more exciting.


I have tentatively titled the story "The Deal" Its underlying theme is the old one of making a deal with the devil.

It is set in a city in the south of India. The time is the 1940s just before India got its independence. The country is right on the cusp of change from a traditional society to one more western in its outlook. The main character, Venakaiah recognises it. And he wants it for his son because he understands that by adopting these new ways of thinking he is also propelling himself into a better econimic class. But there are five older daughters and they just siphon energy and cash. Venkaiah uses his daughters to propel his son forward.

This story has five sections, of which I have written three. I would love it if someone wanted to read one if not all three.

Many Thanks
gyanavani

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