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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » The Per­ceived Fail­ings of Saun­dra Fisher and the Human Race – SF – 1800 words

   
Author Topic: The Per­ceived Fail­ings of Saun­dra Fisher and the Human Race – SF – 1800 words
Ethereon
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This story originated in the White Dragon Challenge many months ago.
I'm now looking for readers for the whole draft and I'd be happy to swap.


You refused to come out. Perhaps you knew before birth that the world would not welcome you. Even half-paralysed and curtained off I knew the moment of your birth. There was a collective intake of breath and momentary silence on the other side of the curtain. Then your cry pulled the "professionals" back into action.

Later, in recovery, the nurses saw to our comfort with cool efficiency. They guarded their unease with layers of medical jargon. Occulocutaneous. Autosomal recessive. But away from the bedside they whispered behind their hands. Dragonget.

I traced the spider-work of veins under your chalky skin and let the terms wash past my spinal headache. To me your searching pink-red eyes were as innocent as any babe's. Beautiful.

[ December 22, 2011, 10:10 PM: Message edited by: Ethereon ]

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Osiris
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This is well written, and interesting. I'm not normally a fan of the second person POV, but I like the voice. I'd be happy to read, though I'm off on vacation today so it would have to wait until next week. I've a piece of similar size that I can swap, though I'd like to tweak it a bit more first.
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Ethereon
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Right on, Osiris. No problem about the delay (I wasn't sure I'd get any readers this busy time of year).
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Denevius
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how long is it? if it's not too long, i'm happy to swap a piece of comparable length with you.
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Ethereon
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It's about 1800 word, Denevius.
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Denevius
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yeah sure, send it along.
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Lloyd Tackitt
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I liked the beginning and would like to read the rest of it.
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LDWriter2
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I'm late to this party too. But if you still need crits I could read it even tough it could take a week.

The title attracted me even though it's a bit long. Took me a while to understand she was the mother. That could have been just me however. The long words put me off some--did you make them up?- but they fit the story line.

I thought the second kinda contradicted the first sentence but that might be how it works with second person though.

That's it for this 13 lines.

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Ethereon
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Lloyd and LD, I'm probably okay for the moment, but after I get my crits back I'll be doing significant revisions. At that point I'll need some fresh pairs of eyes. Could I contact you guys when I have a second draft and see if you're still interested?
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LDWriter2
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That would be fine with me.

Even though in a week or three I might be in the middle of some other crits, so it could take a few days.

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