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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Rainbows, Unicorns and Snowboards

   
Author Topic: Rainbows, Unicorns and Snowboards
LDWriter2
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Okay new story... okay not so new story but one I haven't sent out yet. Hopefully it's 13 lines, my new WP doesn't count lines. Or if it does it's in another department.

Anyone like to crit it this week?
4,200 words.


“Another set of rainbows? Is that all they have here day after day? Got to find my snowboard and get out of here. If it works with no snow that is.”
Jeffery looked back up at the sky. Another bight, clear, shiny day just like the previous six days. At least the fruit was ripe but it tasted too good and none of the four varieties he found had any bad spots or worms. The same with the two types of nuts. His makeshift latrine didn’t smell either, of course his diet might be responsible for that.
“Linate must be worried about me and for more than one reason.”
He sighed as usual a breeze felt good on his arms. His snowboarding clothes were in a pile he slept on and he only

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angel011
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This looks very confusing to me.

“Another set of rainbows? Is that all they have here day after day? Got to find my snowboard and get out of here. If it works with no snow that is.”

Who is he talking to? Or is he talking/thinking to himself? And what is he talking about?

The next few lines are about the weather (a rainbow or several rainbows on a bright, clear, sunny day?) and the food he's eating ad the smell he leaves in the toilet, none of which tell me what's going on, and I can't connect any of it with the first few sentences either.

“Linate must be worried about me and for more than one reason.”

Ok, so he does seem to be talking/thinking to himself. Maybe you could indicate that from the start?

The last two sentences show no action.

Maybe you could start at a later point, when there is some action happening? This seems slow for a short story.

Just my opinion, of course, feel free to disregard it if it's of no help.

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LDWriter2
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Thanks for the read and comments.

I'll see about putting in a reference to whom is speaking.

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Crystal Stevens
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quote:
Originally posted by LDWriter2:
Thanks for the read and comments.

I'll see about putting in a reference to whom is speaking.

Why? Why put in a reference to whom is speaking? It's obvious that these are his thoughts and not talking to anyone at all. Otherwise there would be quotation marks.

There are times when you must talk about the weather if it advances the story. The POV is just dying to go snowboarding. Evidently he expected to be able to do this at this location for some reason and can't understand why the weather is not cooperating. That's the story, unless I miss my guess, and makes me want to know more. All this is foreshadowing for what's to come.

I do think there should be a reference for who did actually speak where there are quotation marks. Outside of that, I find it well done and would like to read on. Send it to me, LD, I'd love to read all of it. Would you, by chance be interested in reading my MegaMart story? It's only a rough draft right now, but I'd love to get some feedback on it.

EDITED TO ADD: Oops! There are quotation marks around the first comments. For some reason, I didn't see them and don't think they're even necessary due to what I've already said. I'd leave them off... unless your POV is actually speaking to someone. And, yes, there should be some kind of reference to whom he is speaking to if this is the case. I don't think I saw the quotation marks because of how it read to me the first time around. Read it without the quotation marks in your first line, LD, and see if the whole thing doesn't read easier and better. I does for me.

You might want to find a better way to read-word the line that starts "He sighed". It reads a little rough the way it's worded.

Good luck with this one, and I look forward to critting the whole thing.

[ April 02, 2012, 10:48 AM: Message edited by: Crystal Stevens ]

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LDWriter2
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Don't know if you will read this before I send the story but it's not quite what you think. I forgot to say it's fantasy.

But you're right about that last line.

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