Hatrack River
Home   |   About Orson Scott Card   |   News & Reviews   |   OSC Library   |   Forums   |   Contact   |   Links
Research Area   |   Writing Lessons   |   Writers Workshops   |   OSC at SVU   |   Calendar   |   Store
E-mail this page
Hatrack River Writers Workshop Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Twisting in the Wind

   
Author Topic: Twisting in the Wind
easterabbit
Member
Member # 9810

 - posted      Profile for easterabbit           Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
The drop of dew fell from the blossom onto the large leaf curved into my palm. With my legs wrapped around the tree's limb tightly, I tipped the droplet into a small vial and screwed the lid tight.
Dew from the blossom of a dead witch tree.
The branch that bore my weight, and that that of the dead witch below as she turned in the wind on her noose, was dead and leafless, bar the single blossom. The canker of her death would slowly infect the whole tree over time. In a mere few years it would spread like a disease to the whole meadow, choking away all life, except the ravens that her decaying corpse already fed fat. I could almost feel the evil emanating from the soil below, as her blood and faeces fell, drip by drip to the once, fertile soil.

[ May 04, 2012, 12:42 PM: Message edited by: easterabbit ]

Posts: 54 | Registered: Apr 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
babooher
Member
Member # 8617

 - posted      Profile for babooher   Email babooher         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Overall, I dig this, but I think there are some things that don't jive so well. I kinda think the sentences aren't quite in the right order. I felt the first sentence should have been moved somewhere after we find out where the protagonist is.

I also question part of the plot. Don't get me wrong, I dig the idea of the witch's death poisoning the whole forest eventually, but why would anyone then hang a witch?

Mob guy 1: Yeah, take this witch. Hang her!
Mob guy 2: That'll show ya and in ten years you'll get your revenge anyway by poisoning the whole forest!
Mob guy 3: Yea...uh, what? Whoa, slow down there. You're going to poison the whole forest? But I need this area for hunting and wood and stuff.
Mob guy 1 looking at Mob guy 2: Mob Guy 3 must be a witch! Hang him!

At least, that's how it plays in my head.

So in review, I like the mood, writing, and general idea, but the mob guys are going to hang me.

Posts: 719 | Registered: May 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
easterabbit
Member
Member # 9810

 - posted      Profile for easterabbit           Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

Regarding the question you posed:

quote:
I also question part of the plot. Don't get me wrong, I dig the idea of the witch's death poisoning the whole forest eventually, but why would anyone then hang a witch?
In this story killing a witch and the resulting loss of an acre or so of land (meadow, not whole forest) is considered the lesser of two evils. It's kind of like lancing a boil--you'll lose some blood and it will hurt, but things will be better in the end.

These aren't the nice sort of witches...

Posts: 54 | Registered: Apr 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
C@R3Y
Member
Member # 9669

 - posted      Profile for C@R3Y   Email C@R3Y         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
You can send me this if you want if you're looking for readers. [Smile]
Posts: 193 | Registered: Oct 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
easterabbit
Member
Member # 9810

 - posted      Profile for easterabbit           Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
It's not really ready for readers, I'm afraid. I just wanted some thoughts on the intro--hopefully a few more!
Posts: 54 | Registered: Apr 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
C@R3Y
Member
Member # 9669

 - posted      Profile for C@R3Y   Email C@R3Y         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
All right. I'll give you some more thoughts on this a bit later. I just got on really quickly to check to see if I had anything, and now I'm hitting the road to this thing called Carolina Rebellion, where there will be like 18 bands. Some really good ones too. When I get back tomorrow I'll give you a more thorough job on your intro. [Smile]
Posts: 193 | Registered: Oct 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Eliza C
Member
Member # 9805

 - posted      Profile for Eliza C           Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
There's a lot about this that I like. The first four sentences get my attention. I would suggest one small change here - 'With my legs wrapped tightly around the tree's limb' - to make it more active.
I think it would have more impact if the tree was green and alive or just starting to die. She seems freshly killed, why was she hung on a dead tree? (Perhaps the tree died instantly, but that isn't clear and you say the soil was fertile.)
It seems you have caught the bar/bar repetition I saw on first reading this yesterday, but you have that/that after "the branch that bore my weight..." Also, I would cut the word mere from "In a mere few years" and fat from "corpse already fed fat."
The last line gave me the most trouble. Almost is a weak word. Soil is repeated in the sentence. Lastly, some people won't know that bodies sometimes evacuate after death and the mention of faeces may not make sense. It also pulled me way out of the story that it 'dripped' from her, as in watery diarrhea. Probably not what you want your readers minds wandering off to - wondering if all witches in this world have diarrhea or if her death caused it. :-)
Other than the nits, this has a promising start. I would read more.

Posts: 42 | Registered: Apr 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.
UBB Code™ Images not permitted.
Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2