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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Need Final Lookover for MegaMart Story

   
Author Topic: Need Final Lookover for MegaMart Story
Crystal Stevens
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Anyone want to give this 3750 word science fiction story a final read? I know I've posted it before, but would like one last round of crits before declaring it finished.

Here's the first 13. Feel free to crit it if you wish:

Screeching brakes stopped my car within inches of the SUV at the stoplight. Thank God I didnít rear-end him. But how often does one see a large silvery craft sticking above every other vehicle in a MegaMart parking lot?

And not just any MegaMart, but the one I manage.

I entered the parking lot and stopped for shoppers crossing in front of the grocery entrance. But my gaze kept drifting to the odd craft occupying three double parking spaces. Now why would a shuttlecraft land here? If thatís what it was.

An impatient honk advised me to drive on, and I parked at the lotís far end. Snow blew down my neck the instant I exited the car. Goose bumps pricked my skin. I pulled my coat tighter, clamped my hat down, and headed for the main entrance.

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axeminister
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Hi Crystal,

I'm mired right now, but I'll throw a few nits that hit me while reading the 13.

*sticking above* creates a strange non-image in my mind. Hovering?

The shoppers crossing leads me to believe they either don't see the craft(s) or don't care. The MC says it's odd then calls it a (possible) shuttlecraft, thus negating the odd.

Then she parks and heads for the main entrance, which completely diffuses any tension the craft and set up have created in me.

So I'm confused where this is heading. Is it strange, or not? Is it sticking above EVERY other vehicle, or just three double parking spaces? (incidentally, the MC refers to every OTHER vehicle, but she's not in the lot yet, so you don't need the word other.)

Axe

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Crystal Stevens
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quote:
Originally posted by axeminister:
Hi Crystal,

I'm mired right now, but I'll throw a few nits that hit me while reading the 13.

*sticking above* creates a strange non-image in my mind. Hovering?

The shoppers crossing leads me to believe they either don't see the craft(s) or don't care. The MC says it's odd then calls it a (possible) shuttlecraft, thus negating the odd.

Then she parks and heads for the main entrance, which completely diffuses any tension the craft and set up have created in me.

So I'm confused where this is heading. Is it strange, or not? Is it sticking above EVERY other vehicle, or just three double parking spaces? (incidentally, the MC refers to every OTHER vehicle, but she's not in the lot yet, so you don't need the word other.)

Axe

I'll have to reword the "sticking above" it would seem. I meant to convey size. The shuttle is already parked in the parking lot, but it's big enough that it looms over ordinary cars and pickup trucks. I'll see what I can do about that.

It's bitter cold outside. Most people have a limited time to shop and not a lot of time to gawk. Cold usually forces people to get quickly to where they're going... either to their vehicles or into a nice warm store. I thought that would be obvious. <<shrug>>

It is odd to see something like this craft in a parking lot, but you're right. I should have Paul call it a shuttlecraft from when he discribes it as such (My MC's name come's out on page 2).

Paul is late getting to work and like everyone else, wants to get out of the cold. He realizes the shuttle could be a publicity stunt, and the best place to find out would be from other employees in the store. I agree that "other" should be dropped and will do so.

Thanks for the crit.

Anyone else interested in reading the whole piece?

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Crystal Stevens
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I'm still looking for readers.

Looks like I'll have to change the store name. MegaMart is an actual store chain. BigMart, Wallymart, and Wallyworld are also taken. I've been toying with either Y-Mart or Willmart. I found no matches for either. Anyone else have any ideas?

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easterabbit
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Tram-Mart? It's a palindrome...
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wetwilly
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I'll read it for you. Shoot it my way.
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