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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Revex [Sci-Fi/Romance]

   
Author Topic: Revex [Sci-Fi/Romance]
SR Dev
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I sprint my fingers over the smooth surface of the bomb, looking for a crevice to pry open or a screw to loose. Nothing.

“Five minutes,” Fen’s voice is soft in my ear and so low that I can feel my naked collarbone vibrate a little.

“I need a Cell.”

He puts one of his large hands on my tiny, stooped shoulders, and I resist the temptation to lean into him. “Even if you had a Cell it wouldn’t help you; you don’t know how to use it.”

I turn away from the bomb. “And I won’t know how to use it until I can beat these damn tests."

"The system is flawed."

"Right, its an inherent para--”

“Four thirty.” His hand leaves my shoulder, and cold floods to the void.

--

Brief summary: the Revexii are an elite group of nightmare hunters, who enter peoples minds and destroy their demons from the inside. Ais (MC) is a Revex in training and in love with her mentor Fen, who without her knowledge is fighting the Revex from within. When his rebellion goes wrong, Fen is the one who must pay the price, and learn what the price of being a true Revex is.

I don't know how long it will be atm, I just started it and am only about a 1,000 words in.

[ December 15, 2012, 05:54 PM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]

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snapper
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Oh no. Zero critiques will not do. This is no way to greet a new member. A couple of things...

quote:
I sprint my fingers over the smooth surface of the bomb, looking for a crevice to pry open or a screw to loose. Nothing.
sprint doesn't quite fit for me. I envision its usage here as if she were doing the old commercial Yellow Pages walk with her fingers. Perhaps 'probe' is what you had in mind?

quote:
“Five minutes,” Fen’s voice is soft in my ear and so low that I can feel my naked collarbone vibrate a little.
so low that I can feel my naked collarbone vibrate a little is confusing to me. Unless his voice comes out like a stereo speaker with the bass turned all the way up, I can't see her collarbone vibrating. In any case, cut 'a little'.

The larger issue is you dumped us into this scene at quite a disadvantage. At first, I thought Fen was either an AI chip in her head or she had a speaker in her ear and he was elsewhere.

Now explaning more in the first 13 may not be doable, but I would have liked a better idea what the bomb was about, what her role is, or something that doesn't make me feel like I'm going in blind. If you answered all these questions very quickly, it may not be an issue, but as a hook, I am wavering on whether I would want to keep reading as a slushreader. Doesn't me I would reject you yet, but you are on some thin ice as far as keepin my attention.

Other than that, not bad.

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Grumpy old guy
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SR Dev, from reading your summary, I wonder if you have the right hero. It seems from that, that Fen is the one going on a journey and not Ais.

But, perhaps you're just trying to explain who these two characters are, and not really what the story is about.

Instead of I sprint, you can use, I run my fingers...

I had snapper's reaction to Fen speaking into her ear, a reason I didn't read on, until now. You could try something along the lines of:

I feel Fen's breath on my ear as he speaks. "Five minutes." The voice so low...

In the second last sentence, I would delete the word 'bare' from bare space. It isn't bare, it has a Revex tattoo there.

Just some random thoughts.

Phil.

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SR Dev
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Thanks guys for the feedback. I think you're right that there are too many unknowns. I wanted to start right in the action, so I think I started the story a little too soon.

I backpedaled and started before they had entered the dream, and I think it is more effective.

As for the plot. The story isn't really about the revolution. I mean it is, but but its definitely not about Fen at it's core.

- - - - -
The proximity-alarm on the inside of my wrist buzzes twice. My eyes fly open, and I stifle a scream.

Leaning over me is figure with no face. Other than the tickling of its warm breath against my sleep sweaty skin there is no other sign it’s human it’s so still. Where its face should be is platinum, flattening away every feature, even the nose. Instead of eyes there are only white slits. It has no mouth.

If I could have nightmares, this would be one.

“Ais?”

Even though the voice is a machine’s reinterpretation of human syllables, it still has enough yearning to remind me. In a little less than two hours it will be me wearing that mask, walking into a sleepers room. Although, that sleeper will be a client and won’t-- can’t wake up screaming.

[ December 21, 2012, 02:45 PM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]

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babooher
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This might just be my mid-West, WASPish upbringing, or it could be my dead heart, but the emotional cues seemed blunt or perhaps jejune. I liked the first opening better than the second as moe is going on.
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SR Dev
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Okay thanks! [Smile]
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