posted
16 year old Mittens Bertel, a grey-eyed, black, domestic longhair with white paws, was both the luckiest and unluckiest cat in the history of the universe. More accurately, he comprised the unlikely gathering of countless subatomic particles that tended, in unison, to behave in improbable but not impossible ways. Unknown to Mittens, millions of light years away, an exact copy of the cat existed alone on a fulvous, sandy planet otherwise devoid of life. When Mittens, during his customary mid-morning walk, stretched in the spot of sun that fell on the wood-paneled floor somewhere between the old leather couch and the upright grand piano (depending on the time of year) his double, galaxies away, stretched too. Annemarie, Mittens’ caretaker, before leaving the apartment for a short trip to the country said to her husband,
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posted
To me, this reads more like a summary than a story. Also, I'm unsure how anything can live on a planet that is "otherwise devoid of life." What does it eat? Perhaps this is my failing, but I also don't see the draw of feline fiction. Getting past my failure to appreciate the fine feline fiction form, I would think to improve this, you should show what is happening more than explain it.
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A strong and curiosity invoking summary of the action to come; however, as babooher notes, the narrative is largely explanation, and summary lecturing, tell.
The first sentence declares a claim of the expository argumentation type that is left hanging open, I feel, artlessly. "16 year old Mittens Bertel, a grey-eyed, black, domestic longhair with white paws, was both the luckiest and unluckiest cat in the history of the universe." Superlative-degree overstatement suggests a racous humor romp, perhaps a promise about the story to come; however, my curiosity about how Mittens is both the luckiest and unluckiest cat in the universe is left unsatisfied. That's a potent claim. In terms of argumentation, why is that significant, one. And two, in terms of prose, supporting that claim would necessitate showing how Mittens is lucky and unlucky before moving into Mitten's doppleganger or his current routine.
"Fulvous" is a lead brick of a color description word in the context. I know what it means, only that its sophisticated nature makes it on the nonparallel side compared to the other color descriptions earlier: grey, black, white. "Sandy" by itself is a similar color description.
"Wood-paneled floor" gives me an image of plywood wall paneling instead of a marketry or parquette floor, which is what I interpret, after disruptive hiccup meditation, the description to mean.
That Mittens is lucky and unlucky implies a generic dramatic complication, but not one I can interpret as readily as I'd like in opening introductions. Who, when, and where context development begin okay. What, why, and how feel lacking to me. What to a degree specifically is Mittens' want and problem wanting satisfaction? Cue something specific up in opening introductions so readers begin to immerse in the narrative.
Summarizing: character development is beginning, setting development is beginning, complication development is generic. And the narrative is largely narrator lecture summary and explanation rather than close narrative distance to the personas, settings, and complications within the narrative's dramatic moment.
I feel that feline drama narratives' audiences desire close association and identification with feline personas. This opening is aligned with its narrator.
This opening is a strong template sketch asking, in my opinion, for scene development, including action (dramatic and physical), introspection (thought), sensation (visual and aural mostly), conversation (dialogue), and emotion from Mittens' perspective and attitude.
This opening reads like one of my preliminary sketches outlining a narrative's context and texture. I then take sketches and dramatize them by developing them into scenes.
posted
Thanks both of you. I really appreciate the feedback. Of course, you're both right about it seeming more like a summary than anything else. It's frustrating that I didn't see that myself, but it's all part of the process. At least I hope it is.
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posted
It is a bit summary-like, but I like the style quite a lot. I'm pretty sure I've read stories that started similarly more than once. It tends to make me think of the whole Shrodinger's Cat thing (and also Warrant Officer Shrodinger, the quantum Nazi cat-boy from Hellsing.) If anything, my complaint would be I'm not sure if what the segment is talking about is literally real or hyperbole. A little more indication of the nature of the story might be nice.
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