posted
Sy knew the drone was there long before the triple beebs cut through the music in his earbuds followed by his own recorded voice,"surveillance drone, model unknown-range 250 meters closing." A door, he needed a door. His pulse quickened a little as his eyes darted up and down the busy city street searching. He forced himself to keep a normal stride. "Remain calm and carry on." He almost laughed to himself as the meme slipped through his thoughts-almost. The closest entry he could spot was-"drone 120 meters direct approach"- his voice reminded him-"no", he answered himself "60 meters across traffic", he estimated. He was going to have to jay-walk but, he had bigger concerns.
Posts: 9 | Registered: Oct 2013
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1.‘Sy knew’- how did he know? This sentence feels rather long and wordy to me. Consider- deleting ‘long’-‘triple’-‘through’. Maybe a period after earbuds. Consider- ‘His own recorded voice followed: “surveillance…”. I wondered, is the model number important later in the story? If not consider dropping it.
Sy knew the drone was there long before the triple beeps cut through the music in his earbuds(.) followed by his own recorded voice,"surveillance drone, model unknown-range 250 meters closing."
3.Does he need a door or a place to hide? This seems unclear, to me. Consider deleting- ‘a little’.
A door, he needed a door. His pulse quickened (,) a little as his eyes darted up and down the busy city street searching.
4.You say, ‘himself’, three times in this graph- too much! Consider deleting the second two, as the sentences work without them and will be less wordy. Consider deleting the second ‘almost’, in the second sentence it flows better for me. The last sentence could be broken up into maybe there separate thoughts to be clearer, IMHO.
He forced himself to keep a normal stride. "Remain calm and carry on." He almost laughed (,) to himself as the meme slipped through his thoughts-almost. The closest entry he could spot was-"drone 120 meters direct approach"- his voice reminded him-"no", he answered himself "60 meters across traffic", he estimated. He was going to have to jay-walk but, he had bigger concerns.
I am not sure this worked a 100% for me, but there is enough for me to read on. Good luck. Stephen
Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2011
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Thanks Stephen, for your much needed critique. I have a clear scene in my head but, as you can see, I am unclear as to how i should phrase it. I am pretty much following Ray Bradbury's advice to "write 52 short stories in a year...pay your dues...learn your craft"
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keep the progression forward. Having a backstory in the first line that is answered in the same paragraph is what threw me, I think. Keep the action current. Begin with how he knew, especially if you are going to say it anyway. That is my advice.
Posts: 1888 | Registered: Jan 2008
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As a loyal representative of all things internetz, I'd like to correct a nuance: "Keep calm and carry on" is the meme you're looking for.
Otherwise, no one to my knowledge ever went wrong following Ray Bradbury's advice. Happy storytelling!
Posts: 252 | Registered: Feb 2013
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My first reaction to this is I'm interested enough to keep reading. I'm a little confused about some things, but I would push on to see if it became clearer as I read on.
The things that make me want to keep reading. Sy is in a life and death situation. I want to see how it turns out.
Things that seemed confusing. "searching" I had to reread this sentence again because of where this word was placed.
"meme" "closest entry" I'm guessing these things would be clearer as I got into the story, but they aren't clear now, and are kicking me out of it a little bit.
"His voice"--is he talking to himself or this an interesting part of the science fiction world you've created.
All these things being said, I was involved enough that I would keep reading to see if things became clearer.
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