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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Can I Get a Chicken Sandwich with Everything, Please?

   
Author Topic: Can I Get a Chicken Sandwich with Everything, Please?
babygears81
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Hi all,

I'm trying to get this story ready to submit. The title will probably change, but I desperately need someone to critique it for me and let me know, specifically, which jokes, if any, don't work for them. I know humor is subjective, but I need an outside opinion. It's a humorous horror story. I'd be willing to exchange a critique on a piece of similar length as well. I need a somewhat quick turn around on this. By Wednesday of next week, ideally.

Thanks.


“No, sir, you can’t take your Seeing Eye dog into the swimming pool,” I say for the third time. I bend over to pat his harnessed yellow lab on the head. “Good boy.”
The young man’s aviator glasses cover most of his face, but his nostrils flare in fury. “That’s discrimination! I need this animal to see, damn it!”
“Sir, I’m really sorry, but Desert Waves has a no animals policy.” I frantically scan the area for my boss and find my college-aged co-worker, Matt, instead. He is leaning against the lifeguard station, his sleek shades spread tightly around his face—red, to match his trunks. He’s wearing a t-shirt with a laughing David Hasselhoff on the front that says, Laughing his Hasselhoff. I mouth the words, help me, but he shakes his head and flashes a

[ January 11, 2014, 04:50 PM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]

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genevive42
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It sounds strange, but my first thoughts were whether denying the dog access to the pool was legal, or not. Then I wondered why you mentioned the age of the mc's co-worker, but I have no idea of the mc's age. Why is age relevant? And then the simple answer is to ask the client to wait while he got his supervisor. Sorry, I'm not getting the humor in the clueless employee scenario and the character isn't endearing himself to me.

I may just not be your audience.

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History
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I found your writng flows well; and it deftly and vividly introduces the setting, three characters, and a conflict. I also like the hook of how the blind man doesn't appear to be blind. I'd read on.

Respectfully,
Dr. Bob

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babygears81
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History,
Would you be willing to critique it for me? It's about 4,000 words. I'd be happy to return the favor. No pressure. If you don't have either the time or the inclination, I understand. [Smile] I want to submit this to Weird Tales, so I must warn you, it's pretty weird. Well, ridiculous anyway. I could send it tonight if you want. Otherwise, thanks for the feedback provided. [Smile]

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babygears81
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Thanks for commenting Genevive42!
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wetwilly
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I enjoy the ridiculous. Send it over.
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wetwilly
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I enjoy the ridiculous. Send it over.
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babygears81
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Thanks wetwilly! Just sent it. [Smile]
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Carl F
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I'd like to read it too. I could use a good laugh.
How did unicorn story go?
Carl

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