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Author Topic: Element-fantasy-3,685
J Seth Rhinehart
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Here's 13 from the first story I've finished. Thanks in advance.

Yolo beat my mother to death long ago, but I remember as if it were yesterday. I was the youngest of her four children, just having learned to fend for myself, and I was pressed against Mama in the center of our family gathering. As outsiders, we were huddled together against the damaging cold that filled our high, mountain valley. It was the only way to survive the long night descending on us from the starry darkness above. This gathering was particularly grim, though. Not only was the weather colder than I could remember, but Mama was very old. Her frail body shivered violently, half buried in the wet snow that continued to accumulate. She looked down on me with wise, old eyes and placed a thin hand on my head. She held my eyes for a long time; longer than she ever had before.

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Denevius
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Somewhat interesting, but it mostly feels like warmup writing, with the actual story beginning in the next several paragraphs.

You start off with who I guess is the story's central antagonist, Yolo, and that's good. But you also start off with backstory, which isn't so good. And if Yolo beat the narrator's mother to death years ago, what does that have to do with the narrator today, at the present moment of the story? Answering that, I think, is where the narrative should begin.

What's the current dynamic between Yolo and the narrator, and what's their central conflict? Starting here will probably do a better job of bringing readers in.

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extrinsic
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Quiet start of a story titled "Element." Not sure what that title means. For fantasy, perhaps one of the four elemental matters: earth, air, fire, water.

A strength of the opening is the setting develops. Though since the setting portrays where Mama dies and the people of the scene are outsiders, the setting may not have any further purpose in the short story. Character and event development don't progress much.

This opening begins as a recollection of a scene in the remote past, perhaps too remote for the now moment of the story's present. Remoteness tends to open aesthetic distance, keeping readers at a similar remote distance from the dramatic action. Past events do influence our present existence, but the more tragic they are the more they are often vague memories that we want to forget or we have long since come to an accommodation with or reconciled with our past.

The transition backward is fairly well developed but to what purpose I can't determine. This seems the aftermath of Yolo beating Mama. Perhaps showing Yolo beating Mama and why in a happening-now moment might begin the opening at a stronger time. Flashing forward to the story's present then can be accomplished with a transition that will be necessary anway, instead of beginning with a jump to a past recollection transition and then jumping forward afterward. One time leap instead of two, easier to manage writing and easier, maybe more appealing for readers to follow the time sequence.

Several parts contradict each other. "As outsiders, we were huddled together against the damaging cold that filled our high, mountain valley." How do outsiders have an "our high mountain valley"? Superflous comma between high and mountain. If the word and can be used instead of a comma in a compound modifier phrase, use a comma. If not, leave out the comma. "High" modifies mountain valley, hence no comma is indicated.

Mama's frail body is buried in the snow, on the ground presumably. How then can she look down on the protagonist-narrator? Though perhaps a small child, unless the child is downslope and eyes lower than where Mama's eyes look--the directional context is confusing.

"Held my eyes" is an awkward image, an awkward metaphor and awkward idiom use for fanatsy, made more so by Mama holding the protagonist's eyes longer than ever before. In fantastical fiction: fantasy, science fiction, and horror; metaphor tends to be taken literally--tangibly--rather than figuratively--intangibly. The image developed is Mama actually holding the protagonist's eyes in her hands.

Though the given sensations are strong, some visual, some tactile (cold), aural sensations like the sounds of this airy space and conversation, perhaps lamentation sounds of grieving, would develop and authenticate the scene's illusion of reality more.

A potent and important strategy for engaging readers' empathy, curiosity, and imaginations enough for them to continue reading forward recognizes readers come to a story with a strong though subconscious initial resistance. Overcoming this resistance is a high priority for an opening. Dramatic events tend to be strongest for defusing resistance. Events are easier to introduce than characters and settings, and often more dramatic. Time enough later to fully develop characters and settings, though while introducing events should also begin developing characters and settings. This is a reason why Yolo beating Mama and why might be a stronger beginning than portraying the aftermath of the beating.

Showing Yolo beating Mama might also be a tactic for developing introduction of a dramatic complication. A dramatic complication is a crucial, central, fundamental kernel of a short story or narrative of any length. A want and problem wanting satisfaction is the definition of dramatic complication, an event. Without at least implying a dramatic complication intangibly, story movement in terms of plot is held in abeyance. Yolo beating Mama to death is partly a dramatic problem, lacking for context and texture. Context: who, when, where. Texture: what, why, and how. Ask and answer those questions and an opening is truly a beginning.

For example: Who is Yolo that he can beat Mama? Who is Mama? When does this beating take place relative to readers' present time? I don't have any cue as to a when, at least as concerns the milieu, like an object that would imply the state of these folks' technological advancement, a metal item maybe or some thing. Where in the world does this beating take place relative to readers' alpha reality? In a cold, high mountain valley somewhere. My imagination defaults to the Andes for some reason I don't know. What? Yolo beats Mama to death--given. Why? I don't know. How? With bare hands? A stick? A stone? Furiously? Causally? Frivolously? Casually? Humorously? Note that the what question answer is introduced. That is why for me Yolo beating Mama is central at least for the opening.

Note also that the where question answer is the strongest introduction development. Openings are for introductions of events, characters, settings, dramatic complications, and narrative voice and character voices.

The narrative voice introduction is strongly begun. By default, first-person narration tends to develop narrative voice easiest and most strongly. A drawback of first person, though, is a tendency toward excessive narrator self-involvement. That is a struggle for many struggling writers. I don't see that shortcoming standing out in this opening.

Voice, strong.
Craft: introduction development shortcomings.
Mechanical style, one minor punctuation glitch, some logic content and organization arrangement issues.
Audience appeal, not much yet.

[ January 23, 2014, 07:18 PM: Message edited by: extrinsic ]

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Kathleen Dalton Woodbury
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Hate to say it, but isn't YOLO a current "pop" abbreviation, for "you only live once"?

If reference to that is not intended, you might want to consider a different name.

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J Seth Rhinehart
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Thanks, Denevius. I went back over that opening line several times myself. I couldn't bring myself to take it out, though. It's too important to the overall tone and it bookends the finale too well. Of course, I could be wrong. If you don't mind giving the full story a read, I'd be glad to get your opinion on its entirety.

-Seth

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J Seth Rhinehart
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Loads of helpful information, extrinsic. Much appreciated. I'll definitely have to clean up the grammar. Very useful tip about the use of commas and easily remembered. I'll also see if I can't clarify Mama's current state and position. Glad you pointed that out.

As to the opening line, I get what you mean. It is, as you suggested, a way to set the story at some distance. Plus, I could never quite get the ending to feel right without that beginning. The rest of your points are spot on and, as it happens, the crux of the story. I hope it's enough to make you want to read more. If so, let me know. Thanks.

-Seth

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J Seth Rhinehart
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Hi, Kathleen. Thanks for looking in. I had my wife proofread the first draft and she immediately pointed out the Yolo connection. Once she finished reading, though, she swore I should keep it. It's hard to explain without spoiling the story, but I think it works like a charm. Thanks again.

-Seth

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Kent_A_Jones
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S1, for me, the conjunction 'but' usually serves to negate the previous clause. In this case I would not expect the main character to have forgotten anything about the situation, ever. 'Long ago' is stated, here, likely to set this off as back story. I think, however, this is implied by the use of 'was' in S2.

S2, the rest of this passage conveys a sense that the MC was vulnerable at this time, but this feeling is broken for me with the inclusion of 'just having learned to fend for myself.' Perhaps your aim was to fix a certain age in my mind. I would have to know much more about the culture of your world for this to happen.

S3, this sentence doesn't work for me, 'family gathering' being juxtaposed against 'As outsiders.' These two ideas seem mutually exclusive and this is not explained. Further, the term 'our' to refer to the valley denotes possession, their home, and this runs counter to the idea that they are 'family,' also.

S4, this sentence kicks me out of the story. The situation is desperate and deadly, cold threatens to kill the group unless they huddle together, and then 'the long night descending on us from the starry darkness above,' hits me for a loop. I read it this way; my mom was about to be beaten to death, the rest of us might have died in the cold, but it was a beautiful night.

S5, this conveys no information I didn't already know. It doesn't drive the story forward and has no plot information. I would omit it.

S6, I believe this information might be incorporated into the story better.

S7, outstanding visual description!

S8, another winner!

S9, 'for a long time;' is redundant. I would probably omit it since 'longer than she ever had' conveys the feeling. 'Had' also conveys the same message as 'before,' so 'before' is something I might omit, too.

I would like to see the scene written out in action. This telling of the scene doesn't pull me into the story or affect me as emotionally as I believe the main character must be affected. This does not mean that I want to see a blow by blow, gory death scene, just more like S7&8.
Kent

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