I would like feedback on the opening lines and if that interests you, please consider critiquing the entire work. Thank you very much.
Michael Blum read Marissa's diary. He read about her first time meeting Joseph Worthington and how crass and rude he was; he liked to walk down the school hall, flexing his muscles, but pretending he wasn't. There were descriptions of his chiseled arms and chest. She wrote that she would never be into a guy like that. He turned the page and read about her and Joseph's first date. He smiled, shook his head, placed the diary on his desk and returned to the hologram keyboard. Perhaps I won't use that page, he thought. His fingers glided noiselessly over the projected keys. The screen was filled with numbers and data; complex algorithms and theorems attempting to recreate the electrical synaptic jumps and connections that, he believed, formed the basis of human thought and personality.
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Right off the bat you are telling me what is in the diary. I think I would like to read what is actually in the diary. Why not start with what Marissa has written, then you can go into Michael (perhaps with a smirk) turning the page over.
I will exchange a full review of your story with one of mine of a similar length. I have 3 in the 3000 word range. You select the title that most appeals to you: Still Life With Grave Juice Crank Conjuring Friend Chip
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posted
I see minor wants in Michael's want to recreate the brain's processes and mechanisms. Though those wants come with built-in problems, those wants and problems are on the too routine side for an opening scene I feel. Overall, this opening is static.
The standout strength for me of this fragment is Marissa's conflicted attitude toward Joseph. That overtops any dramatic action of the scene Michael experiences. Though the importance of Marissa's diary for the moment is strong, it seems to me incidental, like it won't come up again and is therefore given more emphasis to imply it will be important later when it might not matter.
Frankly, I don't feel this scene as is is where the action begins. If Michael has a dramatic conflict, a dramatic stake in the outcome--life or death, riches or rags, in that vein--developing that for the opening is I feel where to begin so that readers feel for, care, and are curious about Michael's dramatic complication and conflict.
The first sentence is a narrator summary declaration that keeps narrative distance open. The rest of the fragment's attempt to close distance suggests to me this scene is meant to be close distance. Instead of a direct declaration that Michael read, consider stronger scene imitation of actions, sensations, emotions, thoughts, and perhaps conversation, as soliloquy at least.
The conjunction here is a compound clause fault: "Worthington _and_ how crass". An appositive phrase joins with a comma instead of a conjunction word.
This semicolon is a punctuation fault: "he was; he liked". Semicolons join equivalent independent clauses, where the ideas of each are parallel. An em dash or colon is indicated instead.
Another conjunction fault: "flexing his muscles, but". Either the conjunction or a comma is indicated but not both. The serial list of three actions does not support the conjunction word, which is a contrast conjunction; however, the ideas are not contrasts, they are a sequence of or serial actions.
Also, the sentence tense is inconsistent: "read," meeting," "liked to walk," "flexing," and "pretending." A lot of -ing ring rhyme too.
Recast for illustration: //He read about the first time she met Joseph Worthington, how crass and rude he was: he liked to walk down the school hall, flex his muscles, pretend he wasn't.//
The next sentence begins with an expletive: usually there or it pronouns followed by a to be verb that postpones the subject of the sentence. Expletives often start passive voice sentences as well. The sum of expletive subject and passive voice may have strengths, especially for formal writing; they have far less value for prose writing. However, in this case, this is a grammar fault. The sentence's subject, the diary contents or Marissa's description, is not in the sentence at all.
The irony of Marissa would never be into Joseph and her dating him anyway evokes a vague reaction from Michael that I think could be more stable and dynamic if developed more. Is he amused by the irony? A smile and head shake could mean chagrin or contempt or anything. Develop Michael's emotional attitude stronger.
Serial comma fault: "on his desk and". Prose convention and all writing except journalism practices is to use a comma for separation between the next to last item of a serial list and conjunction word joining the last item in the list. //on his desk, and//. This is especially important for prose when listing a sequence of separate, close but non-contemporaneous actions.
Attribution tags like "he thought" or she said are timely, strongest, and clearest when they're given in the middle of a thought or speech at a natural pause or at the end of a brief thought or speech where no natural pause is available. In this case, a natural pause follows the word "perhaps". //Perhaps, he thought, . . .//
Generally for prose, -ly and other adverbs are strongest when they express emotional attitude commentary. Otherwise, they are wordy and meaningless in prose: "noiselessly".
Another wordy, passive, cluttered, confused, and faulty sentence: "The screen was filled with numbers and data; complex algorithms and theorems attempting to recreate the electrical synaptic jumps and connections that, he believed, formed the basis of human thought and personality."
"was filled with": passive voice.
"numbers and data;" semicolon fault.
"attempting to recreate": tense inconsistency.
"that, he believed," the "that" is wordy and unnecessary and the commas as well. Both develop a jumpy, breathy clutter.
The voice feels to me unsettled, intended I think to be close to Michael. It feels more writer voice to me from craft (tell emphasis over show) and grammar faults.
I don't find too much appealing about this opening. I do feel a little curiosity and caring for Marissa, who doesn't know her own mind. That's not the intended response, though, I think.
posted
Hello James, I think you have 'buried the lead.' The last sentence is a fine insight on plot, theme, and the character of the MC. If it began the paragraph, I believe it would clarify the personal information that would follow it.
The idea conveyed in the first sentence can be conveyed in the second sentence. The second sentence is an abstraction that removes me another step from the story and gives me the idea that the MC is making a judgement of Joseph. I believe this can be cleared up if the sentence is modified to her POV. I believe this would strengthen the paragraph and help to hook the reader's interest in Marissa, who is quite possibly dead and in need of electronic resurrection.
The third sentence doesn't quite work for me. I know that it is a tip off to Marissa's character, a dichotomy of attraction and repulsion, so maybe this is just my brain.
In the fifth sentence, I believe names and pronouns should be switched, since Marissa is the obvious focus.
The sixth sentence is too busy for me and in need of paring.
Fantastic seventh sentence! Character, theme and conflict wrapped into a great package. I believe this would be a terrific sentence to end the paragraph.
Eighth sentence, since the keyboard has been introduced, I believe this sentence conveys no further information. Also, it is implied that a hologram keyboard would not make any noise.
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