posted
An as yet incomplete short story/novella. I've written about 4,000 words so far, and would love to have someone read and critique all of it before I decide whether to continue. Please let me know how well you think this beginning functions as a hook. Short synopsis: A human woman develops a surprising friendship with the demon who possesses her shadow during the Shadow Wars.
It’s been a year since the Shadow Wars ended. Three years of angels and demons decking it out in the skies, tearing our world to shreds like it didn’t matter. That’s not how the angels tell it, of course. They were just protecting us, the damage was unavoidable, all the usual tripe.
They won, by the way. Reigning victorious. Hallelujah. Now they watch us and oversee our rebuilding, calling themselves our “guardian angels.” I just call them all-seeing dickheads. Well, mostly-seeing, anyways. I’ve been hiding something from them for two years now. It has been no easy task, let me tell you, but worth it to save my best friend from an eternity burning in Hell.
Funny. Before the Shadow Wars I never believed in Heaven or Hell. They were as real to me as leprechauns and the Easter Bunny. I was
quote: Three years of angels and demons decking it out in the skies, tearing our world to shreds like it didn’t matter.
I can see you're going for a chatty, informal style, but I still think you need to watch the choice of language. "decking it out" doesn't really do the situation justice here. The world is being torn apart by this epic war and I think you need stronger, more evocative language. The POV character might be resigned to it, but the reader will get their emotions and reactions through them and so you have to be careful to create the mood and scene for the reader while at the same time creating a voice for this cocky character.
quote: all-seeing dickheads.
Same here. To me, a dickhead is someone who cuts you up on the highway or something, not someone who destroys your world and enslaves humanity.
quote: They were as real to me as leprechauns and the Easter Bunny.
Word choice again I think here. I think you're putting a lot of effort in here to create mood and character, and an easy way of doing it is in being selective over the words you use. I think something stronger, more sinister, more evocative than Leprechaun and Easter Bunny would help set scene and mood in this opening.
I think you make this opening hard work for yourself at the moment, we have your POV character doing nothing but talking directly to the reader. I think you have an interesting setting, but my personal preference would be if you start with some dialogue or action, something more involving to draw the reader into this setting. Perhaps this character could be rushing to see if the thing they have hidden is still there? Or a bit of dialogue to let us get to know this character in a less forced way?
I'd be happy to read the 4k if you like.
Posts: 34 | Registered: Jul 2014
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Hi Jennica, This is a very interesting idea, ripe for all kinds of cognitive dissonance.
> I’ve been hiding something from them for two years now. It has been no easy task, let me tell you, but worth it to save my best friend from an eternity burning in Hell. This passage, as I see it, is the story. There is quite a bit of background that is indirectly related to the story, but I think I need information that is more directly related. It is supplied in the synopsis.
The need for withholding information from the reader at this juncture is not clear. I need something to get emotionally invested in, and calling the angels "all-seeing dickheads" doesn't do this for me because I have no base referent from which to draw an opinion.
It's as if you were to claim that Santa Claus is an ass. My knowledge of Santa might be of a jolly fat man who brings presents, or of a department store icon meant to help sell toys. No matter which idea I subscribe to, I would need quite a lot more to go on to think of Santa as an ass.
The need that must be decided by the author is whether to tear down an icon in the narrative or allow the reader to form the opinion that an icon should be torn down.
The synopsis claims friendship between human and demon and this is definitely central to the story. Are dickhead angels also central, or are they normal angels with a heavenly mandate? The point I'm making is that they will always be antagonists if they are hunting the POV and her friend, but there is a lot more trouble to go to if one attempts to tear them down as an icon.
Yes, I know that the name-calling represents the POV's opinion, but derision is a different emotion than the one I would equate with one who must hide a friend from danger. I would expect the POV to feel fear and anxiety about an uncertain future. As it is, it sounds like a petulant adult complaining about a speeding ticket when the (insert derisive comment) cop could have been occupied with 'real' criminals.
Anyway, I feel that you have lit on a great idea that has very exciting possibilities. I believe that incorporating information from the synopsis as soon as possible would benefit the story.
I like it, and I like the tone you've struck; flippant, yet full of the worldly wisdom of someone who's seen too much. The dry humour belies the pain beneath.
And, because I like the first person manner of the character the corollary is that I like the character. A good effort in just 13 lines.
However, care must be taken to show the reader (me) the pain this character is hiding and to do it relatively soon. By all means, a little more back-story reminiscing won't hurt to set the scene and moment but we need to get to the characters basic need and dramatic want pretty soon too.
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