posted
I'm hoping to get detailed feedback on the full story, as well as how to possibly serialize it, for those who are interested.
The Orc cowered in the shadows as the Mistress’ anger rose. She crumpled an intercepted letter in her fist. “General Frost conspires against me. He seeks my throne. And to make matters worse I still have all these blasted rebels to contend with!” The Mistress' hair lashed out as if she were underwater—her fingers like flames. She closed her eyes and breathed deep. Her proportions settled. “Forgive me,” she said. “Such petty anger is beneath me. These are matters easily settled.” The Orc struggled to remember a time when the Mistress was not Queen. She’d always been there—just like the Opponent. Still, it also remembered Frost, who trained it.
Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2014
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posted
Mostly mechanically sound start—stray punctuation marks missing, some repetitive syntax and diction, a perhaps overwrought superlative degree of emphasis here and there. Strong grammar to speak of, rhetoric not as strong.
The voice is a little problematic, one of a superior screams at a subordinate before empathy or sympathy for the central agonist emerges. Loud voices tend to startle and alienate. I dislike superiors who scream at anyone, though timely and judiciously raised vocalizations have their time, place, and situation.
Craft-wise, overall, I feel this opening rushes too headlong and starts a few moments later than a natural starting place.
The viewpoint is unsettled, favoring the Mistress at first, though confused whether the Orc is the viewpoint agonist of the scene. The Orc cannot observe itself cower. The narrator's viewpoint, the narrator's voice, narrative distance open when an opening as a best practice closes narrative distance into close viewpoint agonist perception and voice—sensation, emotion, description modes—all the while the narrator estranged from viewpoint reports though behind the scenes, so to speak. Later, the Orc does emerge as the viewpoint agonist: "Orc struggled to remember." Remembrances—recollection mode—access thoughts—introspection mode—that close narrative distance and psychic distance.
Appeal-wise, this opening fragment holds little emotional interest or curiosity arousal potentials. The Mistress berates the Orc, kills the messenger, so to speak. That's the standout event that upsets emotional equilibrium, though no empathy or sympathy for the Orc arises beyond a minion's discomfort from a superior's uncalled-for, or at least a reason for, wrath. But it's an Orc, not necessarily a sympathetic creature. What makes the Orc likeable enough for readers to be curious about what will happen so that they read on is I feel under-realized; in other words, the Orc's difference from presupposed personality and behavior traits.
Even if the Orc is a loathsome creature, not meant to be liked, at least features of its basic nature and behavior are warranted for the opening so that readers know whether to like or dislike the Orc.
Use of Orc as a motif raises two important considerations; one, the label itself is naming exposition that invokes external *from another creator's milieu) meaning context and texture not timely, judiciously, and innovatively given within the narrative. Label the creature an elf, a Toyota Tundra, a widget, a whatchamacallit: meaningless. Except for relevance borrowed from J.R.R. Tolkein's Middle Earth milieu.
That's the second consideration—from another creator's milieu. Similar uses of other terms may infringe on copyright, trademark, and other intellectual property rights. Though not per se an actionable infringement, ideas are not protected by law, the use of another creator's property raises issues. Idea plagiarism, for example, uses another's ideas without substantive conversion and claims them as one's own. Orc is Tolkein's idea. Use of the word itself is an incidental doctrine use; however, reliance upon Tolkein's creation is neither creative nor original. Original work might mean Orcs herein are contrasted with Tolkein's, at least different, fresh, innovative, and original.
On the other hand, use of "Orc" may constitute a satire, sarcasm, parody, lampoon, or other social commentary use, which is an original idea and is an acceptable use of another's creations and ideas in order to formulate another creation.
In any regard, I don't feel that the opening events, settings, or characters are adequately developed for an opening fragment. An account of the Orc's trepidation beforehand—from its perceptions and from its viewpoint—before delivery of the intercepted letter, before Mistress screams at it, would begin scene development, the scene's antagonism, causation, and tension, and the scene's events, settings, and characters.
The event of consequence is the letter's delivery, though contextually, since the Orc is the viewpoint agonist of the scene, the Orc's emotional attitude about the delivery is warranted up front.
Thirteen lines is a challenge to engage readers, especially first audiences like screening readers. However, thirteen lines is all the word count real estate a writer has to interest readers in many cases. I feel like this opening rushes to get to a juicy or edgy part, returns too soon to prior actions or events of substance—backstory—and an unsettled narrative and viewpoint agonist voice. A setup of a routine beforehand I feel is warranted before this confrontation scene that upsets emotional equilibrium. The Orc's arrival at the Mistress's location to deliver the intercept I feel is that routine's starting point, thus allowing for emotional development, event, setting, and character development: where I feel this narrative begins.
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