posted
This is a science fiction flash story I've been working on. It's exactly a thousand words long and comments on the opening or offers to read the whole thing would be great.
“I travelled a thousand years to find you,” she said. David had seen her as soon as she entered the room, her eyes blue and bright as ice, her skin pale as snow. Every man had seen her enter the room, but she’d only had eyes for David. “You wrote a book and when I read it I knew I had to meet you, to see you. The truth in the words you write, only a man who can truly know love would be able to write such words. In the future,” here she looked away, took a delicate sip of her wine. “In the future, such truth is nowhere to be found.” “But I’ve never written a book,” David said. He held his drink lower, hoping she didn’t see the ink stains on his fingers. “Oh, you will,” she said. “And what is this book called?” he couldn’t help asking. “If I told you that, then you would never write it,” she said.
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posted
A touch of mystery contexturally from "she" came from the future to find David. I think at least introduction pleasantries might disclose her name.
The organization is on the awkward side. Opening with dialogue is usually problematic, speech from a disembodied voice. Aural sensation, yes; a visual sensation, like the second sentence I believe is warranted first. Also the last sentence fits stronger and clearer behind that second sentence, and both recast for simple past tense. Then the dialogue line.
Verbs like "seen" are problematic as well, as are numerous similes and numerous solely "eyes" used for emotional expressions. The few other gestures are short on emotional contexture, an opportunity I think that's missed.
Agonists named in sentence subject position are problemtaic too. These above are a matter of narrative distance; in other words, the narrator's voice is overt, viewpoint agonist character voice is covert, the perspective from outside the narrative's meaning space, instead of internal to the narrative's reality imitation.
For illustration purposes only, and partly recast in my voice, the creative vision preserved, though:
//She entered the room, her eyes blue and bright ice, her skin pale, undriven snow. Like every man in the room, she drew David's appraising gaze; she only had eyes for him.//
posted
I agree with extrinsic: beginning a story with dialogue is problematic; it's like dumping a reader into ice-cold water. Even in flash-fiction, which isn't my forte, you still need to develop setting and context. I have a WIP languishing on the back-burner at the moment that begins almost the same way. In that, I chose to stay with the protagonist's POV and came up with something like this:
As the empty restaurant chair opposite his creaked, David looked up from his meal into eyes blue and bright as ice while the tall young woman seated herself . . .
Just a suggestion, but you have a name for one agonist, a setting and a context for what is about to happen next -- “I traveled a thousand years to find you,” she said.
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