posted
General feedback sought. Want readers to continue reading. Please supply your email if you want to continue. here's the first 13.
The stars hung in the night sky like quiet observers as Scott made his way to the top of the cliff. Behind him lay a path of flattened long grass. Down at the base of the precipice were the city lights that were more distant in thought than in feet. Scott was alone up here, and as he reached the mouth of the canyon he sat down, letting his feet dangle over the river so far below him. This was the peace for which Scott longed, the separation from life for which he so desperately yearned.
Across the chasm were grasslands which reached further into the darkness than Scott could see. He could hear the river crashing against the rocks below, but his attention was fixated on the cloudless sky above.
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posted
It's interesting how, with the last several openings posted on Hatrack, the first sentence would have probably had me "close the book" and not read further.
My central concern with that first sentence is that it's not giving me anything about the coming narrative to hold on too. I'm not centered in a place, or a scene, as stars are everywhere. I'm not in the character's head. I know he's on a cliff, but that doesn't really excite my interest.
From there we get more not quite interesting descriptions until we get to the beginnings of a problem for the character, though the problem is vague. Scott longs for peace. Well, a lot of people long for peace in their lives.
And finally, for a 1000 word story, this feels like an awful long buildup. Though I haven't read the story, I almost guess that if you swap the last paragraph for this opening one, you'd probably have a much better story from there on out while most of what came before can be dropped.
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posted
No need to be rude. I politely request that you do not comment further on my posts, Denevius, as your input is neither helpful nor particularly good.
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posted
Reticulum. I would stop reading this about half-way through the first paragraph. An author, particularly when writing flash-fiction, needs to develop a unique voice and rhythm to their prose.
In the writing above you have a simple one-two beat rhythm. One this . . ., two, this . . . . One, that . . ., two, that . . .. If you get my meaning. Prose, particularly when the writing is static, requires the stimulus of rhythm and the poetic use of words and phrases.
My only other comment would be about the title. For Persephone, Queen of the Underworld, such an opening seems a little placid.
The stars hung in the night sky like quiet observers as Scott made his way to the top of the cliff. Behind him lay a path of flattened long grass. Down at the base of the precipice were the city lights that were more distant in thought than in feet. Scott was alone up here, and as he reached the mouth of the canyon he sat down and let his feet dangle over the river so far below him. The cool air of the night shot up his nose with every breath and he felt the wet grass between his fingertips as he sat down. This was the escape for which Scott longed, where something exciting might happen, unlike life at school and in the city.
Across the chasm were grasslands which reached further into the darkness than Scott could see.
posted
It's not drawing me in either. Scott has climbed some kind of cliff outside town in the dark. I see no hook, no reason to care for Scott and his climb. He longed for escape - why? from what or whom?
FWIW I assumed, maybe due to the focus on stars, that Persephone was the name of the planet; but I do read a lot of SF.
I know what stars in a night sky look like: what does "hung in the night sky like quiet observers" add? I wondered, "are they watching him?" -- only to start wondering what is meant by "city lights that were more distant in thought than in feet". More concerning, despite what seemed to me an overly long description for a 1k word story, I can't picture in my mind where the geographical elements are: the cliff, precipice, flattened long grass, canyon, city, etc. They're mentioned, but I'm left to figure out he must have walked up a grassy slope beside a canyon, I guess? So I'm not there with Scott, seeing what he sees.
Without a hook I see no reason to continue reading. Neither Scott nor his starlit walk has aroused my curiosity.
Hope this helps Pat
Posts: 1796 | Registered: Jun 2007
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I suppose I found myself with an expectation even before I started to read. I realized this mid through and started to try and separate that from what I was reading, but then I realized it is also what an editor would see. I am referring to the Name and word count. I liked the name and i saw that the story was a thousand words. I love good flash fiction.
What I love about flash fiction is its punchy efficient energy. Such short stories can only be built on concise effective words and lines. I want instantly jump into the passenger seat of the MC's adventure and trust that we are not gonna crash.
That being said, I found the prose a little too meandering. Passive phrases such as,
quote:The stars hung in the night sky like quiet observers as Scott made his way to the top of the cliff. Behind him lay a path of flattened long grass.
Could and probably should be more concise, razor sharp. I don't usually like to rewrite other's written words but I can think of no alternative to convey my idea. So stripped of style this is the skeleton of the ideas I see presented in this line;
Scott climbed a dark grassy path toward the cliff's summit and observed the stars.
As I mentioned it is stripped of style but it is a beginning of a way to look at the phrase you want to convey. There a many style guides that will help you in this process. Besides good 'ol, Strunk and White i have found a few intelligent and more modern style guides; Microstyle by Christopher Johnson and Sense of Style by Steven Pinker, which is absolutely brilliant. I recommend them to all my writing peeps.
I think the biggest problem that I had was I never met an MC i was willing to follow. Holistically i can find empathy for the guy. I share a name with him, I like to be in nature and think. I do this all the time.
I didn't really see any notable tension. I also didn't find any hint at a speculative event. The world was panted clearly enough yet was mundane. I stood beneath a magnificent waterfall last weekend. Sat and soaked in its sound, watched leave blow off the cliff about eighty feet over head and slowly fall down into the pool. Each had a different speed and fluttered in their own unique patterns. I contemplated physics and how good it felt to be sitting there. This doesn't exactly make for the introduction to a great SF story.
A great SF story is what we are trying to create. Why does the story begin here? What is unique about this character? Why should we follow him? Where is he going for that matter?
It never hurts to sharpen the POV. Getting deeper into the mind of the MC is important for many reasons. It better serves the story eliminates mundane description and allows the readers to trust that no matter where they go the MC is in the drivers seat of his own story.
I will look at the manuscript if you are looking for a reader. Send it over.
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I never read any comments before I post so it doesn't influence my opinions.
I noticed that several others shared similar and well thought opinions in an attempt to help each other hone our craft. I know personally spent nearly a half an hour thinking about your words and my reaction to them, blending that with hundreds of critiques and feedback I have shared, lessons I have learned, which ones were hard to see, how i felt, which ones I still practice on improving.
So when I saw words asking another to not share those words of investment, I felt sad, confused, and frustrated. I suppose it is because of my need to feel appreciated. I just ask that you honor the investment our peers invest into us. Thanks for hearing my request.
Send over your script. My pile is empty right now. I can turn it quickly.
Oh, and also I think it has become standard to include revised drafts in the first message in the thread to ensure that it is seen. I missed this revision altogether.
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quote: No need to be rude. I politely request that you do not comment further on my posts, Denevius, as your input is neither helpful nor particularly good.
Truly, no worries. But with names that don't post often, I sometimes forget who they are, so if you post an opening a month or so from now, please attach a small note to remind me not to respond.
Again, truly no worries in following this request.
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posted
Both versions: Scott visually surveys a setting while he climbs a slope and stands atop a summit to stargaze.
Two areas that don't work for me; one, Scott doesn't interact adversarially with the setting he surveys; two, he's alone, isolated with no particular aspect with which to adversarially interact, other characters in particular.
Isolation due to adversity is a prose mainstay. What, or who, causes Scott to seek out isolation? Does he stare at the stars because he wants to leave, seek adventure, explore new horizons, escape a humdrum existence?
Escapism narratives conventionally begin with adversity related to a perceived boring existence. They are figurative expressions of coming-of-age desires to detach from boring familial guardianship and forge a new, exciting adult identity abroad from the natal home. Escaping boredom, though, raises a challenge to compose so that readers are not bored by a portrayal of a boring existence; hence, adversity serves as a cause of desire for escape.
This start signals the action of the narrative is Scott taken away from the summit by an explorer who carries him to adventure. The removal itself is a milieu type opening in our host Orson Scott Card's MICE criteria, Milieu, Idea, Character, Event. The ending of such a narrative is usually a restoration to a new-normal milieu stability, This is the prodigal scion leaves home and returns triumphant narrative type.
One thousand words is short real estate for a prodigal scion narrative. If Scott's removal from his home world is the outcome, the narrative probably ends on an unsatisfying finish. If so, the want of going abroad would be satisfied, though not allow time and word count for Scott to experience a self-confidence-building adversarial adventure completely.
The title "Persephone" implies an underworld adventure in Pluto's realm. Perhaps Persephone is the agency of Scott's removal from home. Pluto might then be who Scott adversarially contests with, for Persephone's affection perhaps, perhaps for reign of the underworld, perhaps for a right to come and go at will. That latter could conceiveably fit a short length.
posted
I retract that, Denevius. I think I was slightly delirious from not sleeping at 2:30am. I apologize for being rude to you. Please feel free to comment.
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posted
Thank you all for your comments, I appreciate them deeply. Here is a synopsis of Persephone.
Persephone is a farm world (Persephone was goddess of the harvest, in addition to being wife of Hades, lord of the underworld). The satellite actually arrived from the world closest to Persephone, Hephaestus, who was the Greek god of metalworking. Persephone sits at the edge of galaxy, far removed from the rest of humanity. Hephaestus was once home to a vibrant human civilization which was torn apart by a civil war. Seeking to reduce casualties, the humans increasingly automated their war, building and sending machines to fight for them. Over hundreds of years, the human population either left or went extinct, leaving the Robots as slaves to their programming to fight their wars. After the Human population died out, the planet was ignored by the rest of the galaxy. However, over the centuries, the robots gained sentience and sapience, building a civilization of their own. All remnants of Human activity on Hephaestus were wiped out, leaving the robots to explain their origins with creation myths and their own unique religions. These two religions have mined the resources of Hephaestus to a desert, leaving the robots in need of resources to fight their war. In comes Persephone, a resource rich farm world, perfect to be mined by the two warring factions of robots. The satellite is a reconnaissance drone that crashed into Persephone while surveying it. The Robots, having no idea what Humans are, refer to them as “Soft Machines”.
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posted
I like the synopsis. but I see no premise for a story, certainly not one short enough to fit the flash fiction format of 1k words.
Also, the first 13 gives no hint of the SF to come. For example in the opening Scott could be scanning the sky fearfully for more robots, or more spy satellites.
If you can put together a first 13 that flies reasonably well, or at least captures my interest by introducing Scott as one who will fight, not simply run away as he seems to on his cliff, I'll offer to read.
Hope this helps Pat
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posted
Afterthought: Persephone is a farm world. What does it have that the robots are keen to mine for?
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posted
The milieu sounds ultra-rad! In fact it is one of the coolest I have heard in a while even my own.
So I am assuming scott is a human being reintroduced to this world that you have created. Tell his story! get in his head. Why did he come? What moment brought him to enter this story? What are his conflicts and obstacles? What does he feel? What is he afraid of? I am getting excited just asking these questions. Certainly this would be present in his POV.
How about a first person account from a jealous peer I will create.
I tried not to hate him. I really did. What a lucky bastard! As I watched the vids of Scott taking his first steps on Peresphone, I wanted to be there--to see the ancient robots. Robots that weren't inherently locked into programing enforsed by Gethsimone Treaty commandments. Damn him! Scott So-and-So--his career will take off when he publishes!
Im sure this does not accurately describe the world or characters that you have created, but I tried to demonstrate what I mean by jumping into the character.
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