posted
Sweet anticipation--He watched her intently. The barista's efficient movement--her acclimation to Earth's gravity and her tasks. She juggled them with grace and the finale was the steaming espresso she sat before him. He cupped it and absorbed it's aroma before taking a sip. Coffee sure was sweeter on Earth. Damn was it busier though, chaotic and impersonal. Dr. Kinsington focused on enjoying this luxurious cup, and forgetting about the Moon, just for this moment. The cafe in Houston airport was relatively quiet. Taking the "Red-eye" flight was a strategy he chose to deal with the crowds on Earth. Four years on the Moon colony, his interactions had been limited, personal. Dealing in full gravity again
[ January 31, 2015, 02:08 AM: Message edited by: Bent Tree ]
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posted
I would read a paragraph or so on, leaning towards not finishing the story than finishing it. For me, the title was a bit of a turn off. It feels a bit too clever, sounding witty but not really seeming to mean anything.
Besides the fact that coffee is often bitter. You can add sugar, or sweetener, or cream, but when I think of coffee in its natural state, I think of it as bitter. So, I'm not sure why 'sweet' would be the adjective that comes to mind for your narrator when making a distinction of coffee in space versus coffee on earth. Did they not have sugar on the moon?
But I guess maybe 'sweeter' isn't meant to be taken literally, but what the narrator is saying is that drinking coffee on earth is better than drinking coffee on the moon. Which, I guess, okay. You go to the moon, a task that's still mostly not possible today without huge risks and enormous costs, and you're there for months without almost all of the comforts we have on earth have, and the most you can think of is, "Wow, I miss the coffee here."
This kind of goes back to the thread where we have futuristic technology but it's used exactly as everyday technology. A person who really goes to the moon, and stays there for months, I'd think, is expressing the stuff he/she misses in a way that's more...something.
Here's how real life astronauts describe coming back home, and then contrast that to what you've written:
quote:"We hit the Earth just like a car crash." "One person is on the bottom (in the Soyuz-TMA capsule), one is on the wall and one is hanging from the ceiling. I was the guy hanging from the ceiling." Fellow astronaut American Tom Marshburn looked out of the window and saw "dirt and grass, where space had been just moments before," Cmdr Hadfield said. And when the hatch was opened, "we could smell the prairie. We could smell the steppe, the Kazakhstan steppe." "One by one they plucked us out of the capsule and the first true sense of being home was a window full of the dirt of the Earth and the smell of spring and the growing grasses in Kazakhstan."
posted
After four years on the Moon I'd have been more interested in the female barista than her coffee but let's leave that aside--I'm not Dr Kinsington.
I like the voice and the sense of near-future milieu that's established in the opening, and I might read on. But I'd need a sense of where the story is going pretty soon.
In its focus on tiny details it reminds me of my first visit to an English pub after nine years living in America, and a similar fascination watching my first pint pulled slowly with due patience and attention; the aroma of my first steaming plate of British bangers and back bacon (quite different from, and IMHO tastier than the ubiquitous American crispy bacon)
Some nits: should it be "Coffee Tastes Sweeter on Earth"; "...and the finality was the steaming..."; "... interactions had been limited, impersonal..."?
Hope this helps, Pat
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posted
I stopped paying attention after the first m-dash: or is that n-dash, I forget?
The reason--clunky and awkward sentences and sentence structure. There is no poetry in the prose.
Other, secondary reasons: your description of the MC savouring a cup of coffee sounds both forced and contrived. If it were me, I could spend at least two paragraphs on describing how the MC appreciated and how his senses were tantalised, even overwhelmed by a simple cup of coffee. The feel of the cup, the warmth permeating the china, the aroma sweet, yet bitter, memories of past encounters with friends over just such a cuppa etc, etc, etc.
quote:After four years on the Moon I'd have been more interested in the female barista than her coffee but let's leave that aside--I'm not Dr Kinsington.
It's rare that a comment on Hatrack makes me laugh out loud, but this did it. Very true, indeed.
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posted
I thought I should expand more succinctly on my simple statement that I’d spend the first two paragraphs describing the savouring of the MC’s first cup of coffee on Earth after a long stint on the moon. The title: Coffee Tastes Better on Earth seems to me to be a metaphor for Dorothy’s lament that, “There’s no place like home!”
Titles matter!
Why title a story Coffee Tastes Better on Earth unless said story is about regret, longing and wistful remembrance of things that were: relationships, experiences, tastes, sounds, and smells. Again, titles matter. So does rhythm in prose. Which is a great thing to suggest, but it aint easy to write. You never recognise that your own writing lacks poetry until either someone points it out to you or you stand back and let time distance you from your own words; then you’ll see how raw they really are.
quote:After four years on the Moon I'd have been more interested in the female barista than her coffee but let's leave that aside--I'm not Dr Kinsington.
It's rare that a comment on Hatrack makes me laugh out loud, but this did it. Very true, indeed.
I'll second that!
Its funny though because I have been cooped up for a few months fighting malady, I was feeling much the same. I was actually interesting if it was implied by his observations. I was drawing from a situation that I encountered at my favorite coffee shop. I crush on my friend/barista there.
In this world however the moon colony is co-ed and highly populated with both colonists and career members.
Thanks for the comments, all
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posted
I think this is a pretty decent opening, maybe just needing a few tweaks to really improve it. I agree with Grumpy old guy that you'd be better off losing those dashes.
Still, I know I'd read on, see what was going on here. You gave me enough context to understand the basis of the story, and I'm interested. I feel like there could be a lot of cool stuff going on later in the story, some interesting thematic and/or philosophical elements that will be examined through the lens of this character.
I also actually liked the fact that Kinsington seems to grasp onto coffee as being the "THIS is what is so much better on Earth" thing. If that makes sense. It feels realistic to me. I think a normal human being would definitely respond that way. It's not always the big things, it's the little things that impact you more than you expected. I hope I'm making sense to you. Apologies if I'm not.
I personally got the feeling that Kinsington was indeed interested in/appreciating the barista, which is neither a good or bad thing at this point for me, just an observation.
The only part that gave me an itch: You say, "Coffee sure was sweeter on Earth. Damn was it busier though, chaotic and impersonal." The… COFFEE was busy, chaotic, and impersonal? How did it manage that? Because that seems to me what the grammar is implying. If that really is what you mean, then you might need to further explain the metaphor/symbolism there. If, however, you mean that EARTH is the busy, chaotic, and impersonal "it," then I think you might need to reword that second sentence to make it clearer.
Good start overall, in my opinion. Good luck with your story!
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posted
Kinsington briefly waits for and receives a cup of espresso at a coffee bar.
Without the dashes the opening line is a jumble of dangling modifiers. The dashes are warranted, or a rewrite. To smooth the flow, though, an essential for an opening, a few modifications may serve. Prescriptively, for Standard Publication Format, em dashes are not bracketed by spaces, though more often than not they are spaced. For Standard Publication Format, perhaps the double hyphen dash can be bracketed with spaces.
"Sweet anticipation--He watched her intently. The barista's efficient movement--her acclimation to Earth's gravity and her tasks."
//Sweet anticipation. He watched the barista's efficient movement -- her acclimation to Earth's gravity and her tasks.//
Dashes serve aesthetics that signal emphasis. That is their function for prose and formal composition. As with any emphasis, their use is best practice timely and judicious, sparingly, in other words.
"Sweet anticipation" is still disconnected to the sentence idea with the dash. The espresso is the object of sweet anticipation. That subject is held in abeyance artlessly until the paragraph end. The title does signal the idea of "Sweet anticipation" related to coffee. The phrase, therefore, is best practice set apart from the sentence as a fragment. The fragment is an interjection that expresses emotional attitude and thus suitable for a sentence fragment.
The title's unconventional subject-predicate number disagreement signals a grammatical error, an English-second-language speaker, or an emphasis that is not followed up by the start fragment. "Coffee Taste Sweeter on Earth" first time I read it gave me an image of a primitive being with underdeveloped language skills.
The fragment overall is adequately strong emotional attitude, though, in terms or adversity or urgency introductions, on a low tension development level. If anticipation of a cup of espresso introduces the narrative's overall action and ambiance, perhaps consider difficulty acquiring the coffee first; denial builds anticipation to a tense climax state.
Kinsington experiences agoraphobic anxiety in crowds; combined with coffee anticipation, a very tense scene could be developed stronger and clearer.
The motif of coffee symbolically representing more comfortable gratification on Earth than the Moon and difficulty with crowds and satisfying the coffee urge holds promise as action introductions, though too mysterious for an opening. Kinsington's want that brings him to Earth ought be incorporated with the agoraphobia and coffee anticipation. Why does he go to Earth? Just for a cup of coffee? Complications are out of proportion.
If he's gone for an ansible implant, develop that and the anxieties he has about the surgery through his coffee and agoraphobia anxieties, or just the coffee one at first, then develop the agoraphobia anxiety later: soon.
For example, a person in front of Kinsington delays the line with a disruptive coffee order. Kinsington is anxious in the crowded line, anxious about the coffee, yet notices an implant mark on the person's neck. He thinks the mark is not too conspicuous, though a noticeable blemish that gives him pause. He can also admire the barista's efficiency, the tantalizing coffee aromas, and develop his anticipation anxieties while worshiping the coffee ritual he has longed for for a long time.
In other words, to me, a rushed opening. Linger a while on Kinsington's anxieties though incorporate his central want, why he's on Earth in the first place.
posted
This opening has promise. The tone is inviting, like having a chat with someone over coffee. There's something enjoyable about this particular blend of everyday circumstances (ordering a cup of coffee) and the fantastic (having lived on the moon 4 years).
What it lacks is tension. Observations about differences between life on the Moon and life on Earth may be interesting, but that's not a story. Why should I care about Dr. Kingston besides his love for coffee? What are his struggles, pains, loses, goals, hopes, ambitions and what is blocking/creating them?
I also agree with the others, first couple sentences seem a bit clunky.
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