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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Pihale the Demon (fantasy)

   
Author Topic: Pihale the Demon (fantasy)
Jennica Dotson
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Don't have the story finished yet, but if anyone wants to read the first 550 words, I'd of course be happy for the extra feedback. Thanks for the read, everyone.
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Though the laws of nature and magic by no means required it, all self-respecting demons knew to arrive with a bang! when summoned by a new master. Indeed, they convened an annual gala to vote for the “Most Spectacular Summoning” of the year, and Pihale was itching to win that trophy of rotted human toenails.

So when Pihale was finally summoned for his first gig of the year, he materialized in a shape of his own bizarre creation—a six-foot tall, polka-dotted fish with fins more like wings and a poisonous ridgeback. Pihale twirled like a ballerina at the Met, belting a full-bellied rendition of the Nessun Dorma aria. A chunk of the wooden floor broke free from its brothers and he rode it like a surfboard over the large, leafy vines...

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wetwilly
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Cute. Fun concept. Reads smoothly. I'll give it a read for you when you have a draft done, but I don't really like critting partials. Hit me up when you need a reader for a draft, though.
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Bent Tree
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Pretty slick. Nice writing. I would keep reading.

The voice is really nice. Immersion, I definitely felt the story starts here POV puts us in a cleverly thought out world. I realize it as an unfamiliar world which to me, is a form of trust. Reading speculative fiction often leads me to new lands.


It has a style reminiscent of Piers Anthony perhaps.

I will give this a go now or when it is done... or both. Send it along at anytime.

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Denevius
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The concept isn't bad, but I think the telling nature of the opening doesn't do much to draw me into the story (though the first two commenters were engaged, so it's just me).

Personally, I'd like to see the first two lines with an entire scene of their own: demons discussing techniques of entering Earth's dimension in order to win a grand prize.

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Jennica Dotson
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wetwilly and Bent Tree: Thank you! I'll let you both know when I have a finished piece ready.

Denevius: I see what you're saying. And that's an interesting thought. I don't think it would fit for the story I want to tell *here*, but it's definitely something to keep in mind, especially if I may want to spend more time in this world. I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond to my lines, thank you!

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extrinsic
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A demon wants to win an award for best summons response.

An inspired idea narrated at a brisk pace and from an emphatic mood voice. The voice is reminiscent of traditional fable, apropos of the subject matter; that is, an indirect discourse method that summarizes from a narrator's perspective. Grimm brothers folk tales, Aesop's fables, and One thousand and one Arabian Nights tales are that voice. Tell mode doesn't work for me as attractively as show mode.

The emphatic mood to me forces the action into a heady though empty emotional attitude.

Pihale has a complication want and an inherent though generic complication problem of competitors contesting for the same award only one can win, though not much adversity or urgency shape the action: no stakes and no looming deadline except win or lose at no great risk consequences and a regular, repeated annually contest schedule.

Folk tales have consequences if "proper" actions deviate from social expectations. Fables relate moral crisis messages. I see neither cued up in the start, where risks and conflict stakes come into play.

Because of the above, I have no idea what direction this narrative goes. Pihale could lose the competition and become disgruntled and act out his upset through a tantrum, for example, for the remainder of the narrative, with a moral maturation outcome, which best practice is foreshadowed soon. Or this narrative is an anecdote instead of a drama. I don't know and for me to commit to entertainingly read through even a short narrative I want and expect such cues.

The Nessun Dorma aria signals perhaps Pihale is a night terror demon, though that "none shall sleep" could as easily be interpreted as immediate only to the summons audience.

This evokes a disruptive, perhaps unintended image of fins like a poisonous ridgeback, where the ridgeback is meant to be on the fish body proper. "a six-foot tall, polka-dotted fish with fins more like wings and a poisonous ridgeback." A number agreement coordination or syntax or punctuation issue. A comma or dash after "wings" defuses the issues somewhat. Reordered sentence structure goes further.

Frankly, the fragment overall reads to me like an average, everyday query letter pitch emphatically struggling to attract attention from screeners and struggling to find an audience-appealing meaning for which to make sense.

The liveliness of the voice is a strength, works for me, the summary mode method to me is a shortfall: in proportion, more shortfalls than strengths.

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TaleSpinner
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Drawing this SF fan into a demon story is a clever trick. The surfing bit is a nice touch and indicates to me an intriguing demon who goes with the flow. I'd keep reading. If you like do send what you have and I'll give it a read.

Pat

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TaleSpinner
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In the competition are the first 13 seconds critical? [Wink]
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Jennica Dotson
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Thank you for the feedback, extrinsic. Your level of attention to detail and specificity are always appreciated.

Thanks, TaleSpinner!
Haha, you know, I think that they definitely are [Wink] I mean, of COURSE the first 13 would be critical. That quick, initial impression is what really counts, as we here at Hatrack know well.

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Bent Tree
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Some questions can only be answered by reading the rest of the story.

These are the types of questions I like being left with.

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Lamberguesa
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I like this one. Tone and concept really sell it for me. Something about the story makes me think of a demon version of Monsters Inc. I'd wager that Pihale is not your regular demon. I find myself wanting to know how the crowd reacts to his display.

One note: I don't think you need the exclamation point after bang in the first sentence.

I would read on. Depending on the length, I'd be willing to read once you finish your first draft.

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