posted
I am struggling with a section in my story where I don't want the chapter to end yet. The problem is that there is a large gap in time between where I have the scene at currently, to the time when the next bit of action happens. I don't want to have a lot of filler mumbo jumbo but I also don't feel like using a one sentence transition is effective either.
This is what I have as my transition currently, but it doesn't even bring me all the was to where I want to be. My goal is to get to the point where Sadie is driving home around 1am.
"Sadie trots up to the pool and dives cleanly under the water. The small ripples left by her nearly flawless entry are followed by a cannon ball wave as Ryan jumps in after her. Brilliant colors of the setting sun wane into darkness over the horizon. The group leaves the pool to return to the apartment for the remainder of the evening."
It just sounds so disconnected. I am having a hard time writing past this and I'm getting frustrated.
Please help! Any and all advice would be welcomed!
posted
Hmmm, you may get better advice but maybe you could throw in something like "and they all swam around for an hour or two before they headed back to the apartment."
Or start the they headed back sentence as another paragraph.
Here I don't think you would need any lines ------- or stars *******, etc to indicate an amount of time went by.
quote:"Sadie trots up to the pool and dives cleanly under the water. The small ripples left by her nearly flawless entry are followed by a cannon ball wave as Ryan jumps in after her.
Far too soon, brilliant colors of the setting sun wane into darkness over the horizon. The group leaves the pool to return to the apartment for the remainder of the evening."
Perhaps all you need is some suitable transitional phrase?
posted
I think part of the issue in this passage is that you give a great deal of detail about them jumping into the pool, and then suddenly they're leaving to spend the rest of the evening in the apartment. You build up the pool as something worth the reader's time, then leave it, BAM.
What's important about showing the detail in this scene, her dive and then his cannonball? Expand on that. For example, if it's that Sadie feels free and light and whole for the first time in a month of stress and horror, describe that -- "in the two hours that follow, Sadie can't get enough of the cool, clean water caressing her sunburned skin, and she even forgets how Bob hurt her, etc etc etc".
Unless there's something important to the story that happens at the pool or in the apartment up to 1 AM, when the action you want to show begins, I'd just skip it altogether and use a scene-break mark. Otherwise it really is just useless filler.
quote: think part of the issue in this passage is that you give a great deal of detail about them jumping into the pool, and then suddenly they're leaving to spend the rest of the evening in the apartment. You build up the pool as something worth the reader's time, then leave it, BAM.
I agree with this. There is such great detail and then it drops off. As Grayson says, you need to ask yourself what is important about the pool scene.
posted
David Farland has a good Daily Kick called TIME PASSAGES that covers this. I will email it to you if you arent subscribed.
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posted
Thank you all for your help! I think that since this is in my first chapter I will use it as an opportunity to character build. I think I will build on that detail I put into diving into the water and continue trying to build up that scene and the characters with that. Thank you again!!
posted
I think the narrative style makes your problem worse. Because you are using present tense (a tricky and often controversial choice), discontinuity in time is probably going to be more noticeable. First person past tense narration might make this kind of transition seem more natural.
The compressed nature of the narrative make your segment sound a bit like stage direction. If you opened up the scene a bit that might help, e.g.
quote: Sadie trotted up to the pool and dove cleanly under the water, her nearly flawless entry leaving only small ripples behind.
"Hey, watch this!" Robert said, jumping in after her.
"Watch it!" third character said after getting doused by Robert's cannon ball. "I'm trying to get wet a little at a time."
They swam for hours, until the brilliant colors of the setting sun faded and it began to get dark.
"I'm starting to get cold," Sadie said, her teeth chattering.
"Then let's go back to the apartment," Robert said.
Everyone dried off and they went home for the evening.
So my suggestion is to open up the part of the scene at the pool, then attenuate the part about staying at home all night so it becomes the end of the scene. In the original, the time at the apartment during which nothing happens seems to have almost equal weight to the swimming.
posted
I just have to say thanks again, all the advice was great. I ended up totally rewriting my first chapter. I changed it from present tense to limited third person, past tense. That allowed me to write it as less of a screenplay and more of a novel. I no longer have the problem of displaying a minor character as a major character and my main character has more life to her now. It solved my problem with that transition point, increased my word count from 1400 to 2200 and I'm not yet done with the chapter. I'm finally excited about where this is going and soon I will be able to move into the meat of my story. I am really glad I joined this forum, you all rock!
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