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Author Topic: He, his and his
elilyn
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As a fledgling writer I am having two areas of trouble:
1.) I just can't figure out the best way to keep from having he and his in every sentence. They also seem to get confused, take the following sentence.
He (The Duke) picked up his (Wilahm's) knife from his (The Duke's) desk.
How do other people write without pronouns every few words? It doesn't make sense to use the name in every sentence either.

2.) I must be too used to writing political essays. I'm having trouble describing my character's through their actions. I just want to be straightforward with descriptions. It seems like the reader will be ready to throw my novel at me if I keep tootsie-footing it around. How do I develop a really strong connection with my MC?

Any thoughts, tips or advice out there?


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kevenwall
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Quote: "He (The Duke) picked up his (Wilahm's) knife from his (The Duke's) desk."

I think your second point will help clear up the first. By taking a little more time to articulate 1. the scene and 2. thoughts of the characters (depending on POV) you may still use pronouns, but they will feel natural.

"The Duke stepped cautiously into the darkness of his study. 'I know it's here', he thought. He fumbled through the black until his hand touched the lamp on the edge of his desk. As he turned it on, he saw Wilahm's knife stabbed into his computer monitor, holding up a scrap of paper. Shaking his head, the Duke promised himself to buy post-it's with self adhesive next time."

Ok, not funny...but hopefully it helped.


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axeminister
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elilyn,

I'd be happy to look at a 5 - 10 page chunk for you and make some comments in the margin.

I'm not an expert, but sometimes all it takes is for it to click and you'll get it. Maybe I'll say the right thing and you'll see it.

Up to you.

Axe


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Wordcaster
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1.) When I first started writing, I found myself with sentences that said, "He did this. Then he did this. Then he did that." I don't think there is an easy answer for your question. I think now that you know your own traps, you should read, read, read with this in mind. How do your favorite authors create variety in their sentences? Is it through setting description? Through character thoughts?

There are many techniques to create variety. Not every sentence describes what your character is doing at that given moment.

2.) Characters are a more advanced topic. Something I am working on myself. What makes your character unique? How would he respond differently in each situation than you, the author, would? Does he have any quirks? Different emotional responses?


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philocinemas
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I would suggest varying your sentence structure and slowing down your story by adding more details. Experiment with different beginnings, such as dependent clauses and gerunds. It is also beneficial to use proper names when there's more than one character in a paragraph. Some of this can be resolved by having only one primary actor in a paragraph, similar to how dialog is structured.
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Reziac
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Kevinwall's example is good. Just make sure your referents are clear, that we can always tell who "he" refers to. Otherwise, "he" is like "said" -- an invisible word that we ignore as we pass by it and proceed to whatever "he" is doing. Overusing names is much more likely to poke the reader in the eye.


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Robert Nowall
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I would think, if you'd written matters clearly enough, your reader should know which "he" is "he" and which one is someone else.

On the other hand, you might want to substitute a name for a "he," at least some of the time...


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MAP
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quote:
1.) I just can't figure out the best way to keep from having he and his in every sentence. They also seem to get confused, take the following sentence.
He (The Duke) picked up his (Wilahm's) knife from his (The Duke's) desk.
How do other people write without pronouns every few words? It doesn't make sense to use the name in every sentence either.

The most important thing is clarity. With your one sentence example, the pronouns are not clear (of course this may not be the case if we had more than one sentence) I would attribute all the pronouns to the same guy. Clarity is the most important thing in good writing. It is okay to use their names every so often to keep the reader from getting lost.

Also, I'm not sure why it is bad to use lots of pronouns in writing. I suggest picking up a book you enjoyed and marking all the pronouns in one page. I bet there is a lot, but you don't notice them. Certain words stand out if they are used a lot, but words like pronouns, the, and, a, etc. don't. Like someone said upthread, they are invisible words.

quote:
2.) I must be too used to writing political essays. I'm having trouble describing my character's through their actions. I just want to be straightforward with descriptions. It seems like the reader will be ready to throw my novel at me if I keep tootsie-footing it around.

Hmmm? I not sure what you are asking here. An example would be nice. Do you mean you have trouble describing your character's personality through their actions, or their physical appearance?

If it is physical appearance, I struggle with this as well. It is really hard to naturally describe the appearance of the POV character. All I can say is pay attention how other authors do this in the novels you love.

If you mean personality, I don't think you have to worry about describing a character's personality. Just have them do and say what they naturally will do and say, and the reader can figure it all out.

This is how it happens in real life.

A guy isn't going to walk up to you and say, "Hi I'm Joe. I'm a real jerk."

But as you talk to Joe, you will see that he is abrasive and tends to make jokes at others' expensive, and you figure it out all on your own that Joe is a jerk.

I think that is how it should happen in novels as well. Just let Joe behave as he would and your readers will figure out pretty fast that Joe is a jerk. No need to tell them.

quote:
How do I develop a really strong connection with my MC?

I'm assuming you mean how do you get your readers to connect with the MC. I'm not sure if there is a tried and true way of doing this. Some people will connect with your MC and others won't. Just read some book reviews on Good Reads. The opinions on whether they like the MC are all over the place.

The only thing that I can think of that will help is how deeply immersed you are in the character's head. IMO, the deeper the immersing the more likely the reader will feel for your character. I'd suggest doing either first person POV or close third person POV. But that may just be my personal preference. Look at your favorite novel where you really felt connected with the MC, and see how the author did that.

Hope this helps.

[This message has been edited by MAP (edited March 12, 2011).]


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elilyn
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Thanks for everyone's advice. I tried to rewrite the section including more description of the setting and this helped to fix it some.
I think my problem with pronouns more complex than I can articulate well in this message, but I'm hoping that it is at least moderately resolved now.

The problem with having my reader identify with my MC, I think I will just have to work on it, and edit the sections that seem stilted during my rewrites. Hopefully as I get more in depth with the story, this will improve.


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EVOC
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quote:
I'm having trouble describing my character's through their actions. I just want to be straightforward with descriptions.

I have the same problem, and it took a lot of work for me to fix and I still slip up. I have to write a lot of reports that go to court and in those we have to be very straight forward with just the facts.

I suppose practice and using the crits of others is the best advice I have. It helped me.


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Crystal Stevens
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Something that helped me out a lot with pronouns was to have the pronoun follow the character's name the pronoun refers to in the previous sentence.

Like this: <<Jane glanced at Jim and noticed Will's silent warning that implied he agreed with her.>>

Since Jane is the only female of the three characters mentioned, "her" refers to Jane. But most readers would assume the "he" refers to Will because Will is the last person mentioned before the "he". I found this helped simplify my pronoun problem considerably.

And I don't think it's a bad thing to use proper names when nothing else can separate who's who in any given sentence or paragraph. It may read a little clunky, but at least you won't confuse your readers if there is positively no other way to write it.

Just thought I'd add that this is the way I would write your sample sentence:

<<He picked up Wilahm's knife from the desk.>>

Or try something like this:

"The Duke leaned on his desk and picked up Wilahm's knife."

This says the same thing with the use of only one pronoun and sounds perfectly normal. But, of course, it's up to you as to how you word it.

[This message has been edited by Crystal Stevens (edited March 13, 2011).]


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