posted
This is a prologue I'm thinking about using, so here goes !
“It is time for your confession, my son.” The priest looked around the darkness. His torch held high as he looked for the man. He peered into the cell, seeing a dark body lying on the floor. He heard a cough, deep and rough coming from the body. “Oh deliver my soul from evil, watch as my wings spread and carry me to thee.” the deep voice boomed from the body. The priest stood amazed, the body was not lying he was kneeling, praying. The priest leaned in to wrap his hands through the cell bars, and a beam of light seared through his body causing him to fly back slamming into the wall of the dungeon. Who is this? He thought.What Caster is powerful enough to manipulate light?
quote: “It is time for your confession, my son.” The priest looked around the darkness.
Is the priest the speaker of the first line? Who is he?
quote: His torch held high as he looked for the man.
What man? Where are we? It doesn't seem like we are in a normal confessional setting. Even if the "man" is a prisoner it is likely that the nameless priest knows his name.
quote: “Oh deliver my soul from evil, watch as my wings spread and carry me to thee.” the deep voice boomed from the body
It's not a body. It's some sort of life form.
Not knowing where the story goes from here, please feel free to disregard the next comment. . .
I'm not sure you are in the best POV. It sounds like the priest is killed at the end of the 13 lines. Maybe you should just start in the "man's" POV.
posted
> The priest stood amazed, the body was not lying he was kneeling, praying.
That's 3 sentences crammed into one: one comma splice and one run-on.
I could mostly understand what was happening, with exceptions noted by kings_falcon. I don't know why the priest is in the dungeon or who he expected to meet. If the priest is POV character, I want to know him better.
posted
On the whole I understood this (barring some of the grammar which needs cleaning up), but as previously mentioned the POV is a little unclear. I was actually really intruiged by the idea that the story would be told from the POV of the priest, not the powerful 'Caster' - but if this is what you're doing, you need to root your descriptions more solidly in the POV of the priest.
If you're writing from the POV of the 'Caster', I think you need to start in the cell, not outside it.
It was interesting to read though, and with a little work could have a good hook.
[This message has been edited by EmmaPink (edited January 25, 2007).]
posted
Way too much action way too fast to be credible. Moreover, we need to be in someone's head, and judging from the dynamics of this scene, it should be the priest.
Posts: 67 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
Sometimes I find it hard to critique something because I cannot quite pin point exactly what I found disagreeable. Despite this I felt hooked, and would read more if this was a book in my hand. I think what bothered me was merely the fact that I wasn't understanding any of the basic setting questions a reader has, and that need to be filled. Such as, who's head am I seeing this scene from, and what exactly is happening. As has already been mentioned the root of this ambiguity seems to come from the sentence 'The priest stood amazed..." But the last part of the scene is also very vague to me. Im left with the feeling of 'what the heck just happened' but not in a good way. These are just my perceptions of course, but I think that what could improve this is to include a stronger POV connection with the character experiencing this scene. Include more of his thoughts and perceptions into the running narrative. I hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by eclectic skeptic (edited January 27, 2007).]
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