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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Badge of Honor: 1st 13 lines

   
Author Topic: Badge of Honor: 1st 13 lines
Richard D. Taylor
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There was a girl standing on the bridge. She turned around as if searching for something, hesitated, and then picked up a rock. She stood motionless for a few seconds, then, cocking her arm, she hurtled the rock into the creek. She threw overhand, girl fashion. Steve squinted, trying to see better, but the girl was too far away to recognize. He stepped in a chuckhole, mumbled something unintelligible, and then walked on, kicking up dust and listening to the rhythm of crunching gravel underfoot.
Telephone poles posted at uniform intervals stretched their arms like well disciplined sentries, guarding the corridors through rolls of corn heavily dusted with dry smelling dirt kicked up by trucks, rumbling their way to or from the junction of Conn and Mishiwa Roads. The ditch that guided the water from the rains

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 22, 2007).]


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wbriggs
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Paragraph 1: almost cinematic. Works for cinema, but we have the ability to show thought. Why not?

Better to establish POV in line 1, and tell us why Steve's watching the girl, and what it means to him.

The second paragraph seems to be a sort of random wandering of someone's thoughts. It didn't grip me, and I think it'll be a hard sell generally.

[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited February 22, 2007).]


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DebbieKW
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I'm nit-picky, but please don't get discouraged because of it.

"There was a girl....She threw overhand, girl fashion."

Since you've already told us that she's a girl, I assumed that she threw it in "girl fashion." Unless there is some important reason to emphasis that she's a girl, you can probably delete the "girl fashion" bit. Or did you mean that she threw it awkwardly because she is a girl? If so, then maybe "She threw overhand, but in girl fashion" or something similar? Is it even important to the story to describe how she threw the rock? If how the girl throws is important to the story or that thought is important in describing Steve, then maybe it is. Otherwise, it just slows the story down.

"He stepped in a chuckhole, mumbled something unintelligible, and then walked on, kicking up dust and listening to the rhythm of crunching gravel underfoot."

You have a long sentence with a lot of commas. It was a bit difficult for me to follow what actions happened at what time, and I had to re-read it. Perhaps cutting it into two sentences would make the action clearer?

Also, if I stepped in a chuckhole, I'd trip...and I'd do more than 'mumble something unintelligible' in that moment. I'd be trying to get my balance back and at least mutter if not outright swear. Also, if Steve is your POV (Point of View) character, how could he "mumble something" that is unintelligible to himself?

Basically, the problem I have with these 13 lines is that Steve seems to be the POV, yet the words used keep us at a distance from him. So he's looking at a girl...why? Why is he looking? Why does he try to see her better? Does he wonder if it's his girlfriend or if it's a girl he's trying to avoid? Why is he wandering down this highly described road? Is he bored or is he going somewhere? Has he never been down the road before and that's why he's paying so much attention to the details of his surroundings? Is he so bored that he's noticing old things anew? Why does he think of the telephone poles as looking like sentries? Does he have a thing for the military? And so on.

My point is that everything seems very distance and nothing particularly hooks my interest because of that distance. I hope this helped.


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pixydust
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I second wbriggs. You need to get us in the POV character's head in line one and then hold us there by not being so passive.

Your first line is: "There was a girl standing on the bridge." That's passive. How do you unpassive it?

The girl stood on the bridge.

This is really your first line of POV:

quote:
Steve squinted, trying to see better, but the girl was too far away to recognize.
You could switch it and put it first, then have your first sentance--the one about the girl standing on the bridge--be your second.

[This message has been edited by pixydust (edited February 22, 2007).]


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hoptoad
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Hi Richard,
Take this with a grain of salt.

I liked it just fine for a novel opening and would keep reading. I reckon you've got a couple of pages to ease us in if that's your style.

There is some tweaking with passive language that has been mentioned.

My comments would be just to work on that and to economise a little more with words ie: don't rpeat ideas right next to each other.
For instance.

Steve squinted, to see better, but the girl was too far away to recognize.
could be
Steve squinted, but the girl was too far away to recognize.
without losing meaning.

and

mumbled something unintelligible

'mumbled' would do, unless there is someone else observing to whom the mumble was unintelligible

One other line

heavily dusted with dry smelling dirt kicked up by trucks

basically mean "heavily dusted with...dust"

I understand the difficulty with the line and repeating the word 'dust' but it doesn't read right in my opinion. Don't know how to fix. Maybe something like

rolls of corn made dusty by the trucks that rumble along the Conn and Mishiwa Roads. or something.

Hope that's useful.
I don't think I've seen you around here before.
If you are new, welcome welcome.

Who was it that said: I'm sorry this letter is so long. I didn't have time to write a short one'?

The nub of that statement is that shorter, more economical compositions are harder to write but, for me anyway, give you more bang for your bucks.

[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited February 23, 2007).]


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Hunter
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These are just question/comments I had after reading your 13:

Overhand is not considered 'girl fashion'. Underhand is usually considered girl fashion, though I have problems with the stereotype.

I think hurtled should be hurled.

Let us read what Steve mumbled.

Do you mean rolls of corn or rows of corn?

Why is Steve interested in this girl?

I liked the description of telephone poles.


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Slartibartfast
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I think most of the problems in the first paragraph could be solved by italicizing the first 'girl.' That gets us into Steve's head.

2 cents...clink!


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Mystic
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I am not hooked at all. Sorry, but this opening just lacks any emotional value like it was written as instructions for actors instead of a story about characters. I would advise you reading some published work to get a feel for what a story should sound like because this opening reads almost like you don't even care about what these characters are doing.
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Kolona
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These two paragraphs seem disjointed and need some transitions from one element to another. I don't get a sense of flow or story.

I do like the specifics of the junction roads, but the first sentence is far too bland. "There was" is just too vanilla.

To put some cohesion here, start with your main character, especially if the girl must remain nameless. Something like, "Steve squinted to better see the girl standing on the bridge, but she was too far to recognize."


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tnwilz
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You know Kolona, that’s what I was thinking. Its almost telegram in style at the beginning. I hope you don’t think me presumptuous but I think tying it together something like this would be better. This just a rough idea but you should see what I mean.

Steve squinted, trying to see better, there was a girl standing on the bridge, too far away to recognize. He watched as she turned around as if searching for something, hesitated, and then picked up a rock. She stood motionless for a few seconds, then, cocking her arm, she hurtled the rock into the creek. She threw awkwardly like girls often do without the countless hours of ball play native to dusty faced boys. Steve smiled, turned and stepped in a chuckhole, mumbled something unintelligible, and then walked on, kicking up dust and listening to the rhythm of crunching gravel underfoot.


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DebbieKW
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Oh, please, please, PLEASE don't follow tnwilz's example--the grammar is so bad that the openning becomes unintelligeable!

Sorry, tnwilz, but I just critiqued a 5,000+ word story with the grammar just like that, and I couldn't follow what in the world was going on. I'm just a little hypersensitive on this point at the moment.


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Kolona
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Well, tnwilz did say it was a rough idea. And no, tnwilz, I certainly didn't think you presumptuous. I suppose the only one who is entitled to that, on both our postings, is Richard, but I sincerely hope he doesn't.

If you read these two sentences aloud, you'll see what Debbie means. I think you might have typed yours out a little too quickly and didn't read it over:

Steve squinted, trying to see better, there was a girl standing on the bridge, too far away to recognize.

Steve squinted to better see the girl standing on the bridge, but she was too far to recognize.

The whole point, though, of both, is to get the reader involved with an identifiable character as soon as possible, ideally with an economy of words.

[This message has been edited by Kolona (edited March 05, 2007).]


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tnwilz
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Point taken. I was trying to patch together the original text (cos its not my work) as much as possible and I did it quickly. The point was to take some of the abruptness of the sentences out.

Kolona wrote,
“Steve squinted to better see the girl standing on the bridge, but she was too far to recognize.”

There you go, that’s what I meant but of course yours is infinitely better. I just made it worse. Sorry, lol

Tracy


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