Glaring sunlight seared the dragon’s eyes. She skimmed over the snow-capped mountains on high cold winds. Her trailing tail scraped across a sharp rock spur as she drifted below the snow line. Off balance, the dragon wobbled in a sudden gust, flared her wings, and settled onto a thin basalt ridge. She gazed out over an unfamiliar valley and prodded at the roiling restlessness that had compelled her to roam so far from her lair. The warm sun and heated rock eased tired muscles. She sank lower, then suddenly flung her head up, snapped at her flank, and shook her head in frustration. Rearing up, she roared into the empty sunlight and leapt out into space, seeking release in flight.

With one powerful wing stroke, the dragon propelled herself ...

To answer your question: Yes, you are too distant for me. You aren't in the dragon's head or at least very deeply in her head. The feel is cinematic.

I do like that you tell me that she's not sure why she's where she is.

A weakness is that I don't know what the dragon thinks/feels about this whole thing. You tell me she's frustrated - "and shook her head in frustration" but don't show me why. Also, the "in frustration" isn't really necessary. I can infer that from the actions.

I'm not sure what this " prodded at the roiling restlessness " was supposed to mean.

I think wbriggs hit it with why do we care? If this is not the protagonist, who is? Why are we being told about her?

I get the feeling that she is about to be attacked. If so, why not start there? Once we know that it's a warm day in unfamiliar mountains, we need tension/conflict.

It's good writing. But, it needs to show more of the story's direction.

Glaring sunlight seared the dragon’s eyes. She skimmed over the snow-capped mountains on high cold winds. A sharp hunger pang followed by a rush of unexpected weakness reminded her that it had been three days since her last meal. The weary dragon flared her wings and settled onto a basalt ridge. She idly searched the unfamiliar valley for game, mulling over the roiling restlessness that had compelled her to roam so far from her lair. She recognized the hand of Yao the Creator in it, but could not discern his intention. The warm sun and heated rock eased tired muscles. She sank lower, then suddenly flung her head up, snapped at her flank, and shook her wings out. She was filled with urgent purpose. Rearing up, she roared into the empty sunlight and leapt out into space, seeking release in flight.

This is a little nitpick: I like that we know why the dragon is weak now and wobbly, but if the dragon hasn't eatten and she's supposed to eat often, I don't think her weakness is unexpected.

I'm not sure what you meant by, "She recognized the hand of Yao the Creator in it, but could not discern his intention." Is 'it' her lack of food, her roiling restlessness, or the landscape?

Still would like to know why she snaps at her flank.

Glaring sunlight seared the dragon’s eyes. She skimmed over the snow-capped mountains on high cold winds. A sharp hunger pang followed by a rush of weakness reminded her that it had been three days since her last meal. The weary dragon flared her wings and settled onto a basalt ridge. She idly searched the unfamiliar valley for game, mulling over the growing restlessness that had compelled her to roam so far from her lair. She recognized the hand of Yao the Creator in her need to return to Agivin, where she was born. The warm sun and heated rock eased tired muscles. She sank lower, then suddenly realized that Yao intended for her to birth a new generation. She flung her head up and shook her wings out, filled with urgent purpose. Rearing up, she roared into the empty sunlight

As you've probably read, there's much discussion about the purpose of the F&F forums, and the reasoning behind the 13 lines. One thing I have learned from critiquing and being critiqued is that sometimes the points raised are answered in my text elsewhere, that can be soon enough. Not *everything* has to be addressed in the first 13, but I think the improvements you made help this first bit really tease at the key elements of your story.

If you feel like this isn't going to be the main character, one thing you can consider is putting in a prologue. I think there are many pluses/minuses to debate, but I believe general consensus is that a prologue is the place to lay out any backstory or aspects of the story that are not directly related to the main character.

I think this passage IS the prologue. I had a couple of more paragraphs about the dragon hunting and traveling, but they will fit better after the MC introductions. See, I can learn!

This process also reminded me to trim words to the bone! Very out of practice...

>Glaring sunlight seared the dragon’s eyes. She skimmed over the snow-capped mountains on high cold winds. A sharp hunger pang followed by a rush of weakness reminded her that it had been three days since her last meal.

At this point I wondered: *who* was her last meal? That would interest me: if she were hunting people.

>The weary dragon
I suggest "she." Whenever you find a new way to refer to a character, the reader has to think a moment to decide if it's a new character.

>flared her wings and settled onto a basalt ridge. She idly searched the unfamiliar valley

At this point, unintentionally, I started to skip. A predator is hunting for prey; nothing new here. She's not that interested, either: she's weary and her search is "idle." Readers are suggestible: talk to them about a character being disengaged, and they may disengage!