posted
This looks to be the start of the second chapter of my latest book:
Diana Mendes came from Athens, Georgia bringing the wrath of Achilles into Bungalow twelve. She dealt out fifteen copies of Book 1 of the Iliad, betting that Homer had aged better than the mildewed, portable classroom.
The sun's warmth and a variety of post-rain bacteria combined for a musty air inside the slightly tilted Bungalow, which was parked on the outskirts of Dunbar High school, adjacent to the track and perpendicular to the school's pagoda-roofed cafeteria. Diana hoped the degraded classroom and the Mediterranean-like humidity would led force and vivacity to Homer's epic poem, as these conditions echoed the scene suffered by the storied heroes of Argos, nine years camped on the edge of Troy.
[This message has been edited by Tanglier (edited March 22, 2007).]
posted
Total nits - "combined for a musty air" - is the article "a" necessary? I noticed it, and to me that's not a great sign since articles are meant to be unnoticed.
I think when using the word "like" tacked on at the end to describe something, it's hyphenated. "Mediterranean-like humidity." I may have that rule wrong, though.
Aside from that, I think it's interesting, well-written, I would read more, but I do hope that something happens soon.
posted
I think the sentences are kind of long and hard to read, especially the last one. Too much stuff is stuffed into it. I had to read it three times to fully understand what's going on.
The first sentence seems to mention Athens, GA unnecessarily. If this is the 2nd chapter, and the first chapter is also set in Athens, I don't think it needs to be mentioned. I think it would be better if it were, "Diana Mendes came into Bungalow 12 bringing the wrath of Achilles." Or some such.
quote: Diana Mendes came from the Athens, Georgia[,] bringing the wrath of Achilles into Bungalow [T]welve. She dealt out fifteen copies of Book 1 of the Iliad[.] [She bet] Homer had aged better than the mildewed, temporary classroom.
Bungalow [T]welve was parked on the outskirts of Dunbar High school[.] [It was] adjacent to the track and perpendicular to the school's pagoda-roofed cafeteria. The sun's warmth and different post-rain bacteria[s] combined [to make] a musty air inside the [dilapidated?] Bungalow[.] Diana hoped [the] degraded quarters and Mediterranean-like humidity [gave life] to the conditions suffered by the storied heroes of Argos[.] [ nine years camped on the edge of Troy.<---necessary?]
What is it getting at?
Why should I care?
There is nothing setting up this fragment, and I have little idea where it's going.
posted
>Diana Mendes came from the Athens, Georgia bringing the wrath of Achilles into Bungalow twelve. She dealt out fifteen copies of Book 1 of the Iliad, betting that Homer had aged better than the mildewed, temporary classroom.
To me, this is playing a trick on the reader, even if it's a short-lived one. I think the goddess Diana has a last name, is in America, and is striking mythic death into a Bungalow. Then the next sentence says, "not really." I don't like that.
>Bungalow twelve was parked on the outskirts of Dunbar High school, adjacent to the track and perpendicular to the school's pagoda-roofed cafeteria. The sun's warmth and different classes of post-rain bacteria combined for a musty air inside the slightly tilted Bungalow, and Diana hoped these degraded quarters and the Mediterranean like humidity lent force and vivacity to the conditions suffered by the storied heroes of Argos, nine years camped on the edge of Troy.
I'd agree this could be abbreviated. Diana's thoughts are odd. How can any teacher really think that unpleasant classroom conditions make students *more* able to concentrate?
Anyway, this is summary. Summary's fine, but it should only tell us what we need to know, unless it's fascinating. You could summarize this as:
Diana Mendes handed out copies of the Iliad to her fifteen [high-school] students, hoping that the heat, humidity, and mustiness of her bungalow classroom would make them better appreciate the story.
posted
Hi. maybe I'm dense but I have no idea what this means:
quote: Diana Mendes came from the Athens, Georgia bringing the wrath of Achilles into Bungalow twelve.
what is 'the' Athens? Is it a hotel, or perhaps a specific place in Georgia?
I can't make head nor tail of it.
Do you mean: Diana Mendes came from Athens, Georgia bringing the wrath of Achilles into bungalow twelve.
It sounds like she is in-transit, bringing wrath to 'wherever' bungalow twelve is.
Second point: How can a bungalow be parked, and on an lean? Is it some sort of portable classroom? That's certainly not what a bungalow means where I'm from.
PS: vivacity is a character trait or behavioural description. It does not really mean 'bringing something to life'.
IMO: Ditch the first sentence. Figure what you are trying to have it say and say it. ie: Diana Mendes came from Athens, Georgia and arrived with the wrath of Achilles bottled-up inside her. or something.
PPS: Is her attitude sort of: Well, this place is less than ideal but I guess I gotta make the most of what I got?
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited March 20, 2007).]
posted
It’s poetic, which sometimes works and sometimes doesn’t in novel writing. The teacher’s enthusiasm is palpable. I like “bringing the wrath of Achilles into”…! But it might be more effective if she was shown interacting with students, maybe quoting a line from the book, or if it reflected her own emotional state. I also like “dealt out”, but to whom? Is the classroom empty? I like “Homer had aged better...”
Bungalow twelve had me expecting a resort or apartment complex, not a classroom. It threw me off. How can a Bungalow be parked?
“different classes of…” had me thinking about school… I was thrown when it referred to bacteria. Maybe just leave out “different classes of”?
Suggest starting a new sentence with “Diana hoped…”, leave off “like” after Mediterranean, and consider replacing “lent” with “would lend” since she is hoping about a future experience (of studying the book). I like the connection between the environment and the book’s topic, but I’m not sure it works here.
In a well ordered world, The Wrath of Achilles is one of those phrases that should resonate in the breast of literate western people. I could have just as easily have substituted "man's first disobedience," or "The arms and the man," or "The word of God," and if you don't know I'm alluding to Milton, Virgil, or the bible, then I'm not going to take time to catch the reader up. At least not now.
I am going to rearrange the sentences a bit:
Diana Mendes came from Athens, Georgia bringing the wrath of Achilles into Bungalow twelve. She dealt out fifteen copies of Book 1 of the Iliad, betting that Homer had aged better than the mildewed, portable classroom.
The sun's warmth and a variety of post-rain bacteria combined for a musty air inside the slightly tilted Bungalow, which was parked on the outskirts of Dunbar High school, adjacent to the track and perpendicular to the school's pagoda-roofed cafeteria. Diana hoped the degraded classroom and the Mediterranean-like humidity would led force and vivacity to Homer's epic poem, as these conditions echoed the scene suffered by the storied heroes of Argos, nine years camped on the edge of Troy.
Her fifteen students...
[This message has been edited by Tanglier (edited March 21, 2007).]
Why not get rid of the second paragraph? I don't care about the conditions in the portable classroom. You've already told me it's mildewed so the rest is just repetition. The paragraph doesn't seem to add much to the story. Cut it and then you have space to hook me.
posted
I'm not sure where you are, but 'bungalow' is a very american use of the word. I'm from CA and we went to school in 'bungalows," or portable classrooms parked on the edge of campus when a campus runs out of space.
Nits, The athens, makes no sense either take out the 'the' or put in something like 'heat'
This is a very 'high school' scene, but I also agree with the people who said that something had better happen soon. If this were the beginning I'd keep reading, but if this is the beginning of chapter two, that worries me a little.
posted
The University of Georgia is in Athens, and Dunbar High School is in Chicago. (I'm from California and had a few classes in portable classrooms we called bungalows.) I wanted to show the conflict as being between the appropriate and timely, though too esoteric material, being taught in a space where it's not even a given the students know how to read at grade level.
Instead of the smell, I could talk about some of the tagging. Or the student's previous poor performance. Mendes is going to start off talking about Achillies leaving the battlefield, forsaking glory because he didn't want to be under the thumb of Agamemnon, then it's going to devolve into a discussion of Ricky Williams and Dave Chappelle, leaving football and television under similar circumstances, and the workings of social responsibility. The action is going to be the stories of the things the students have done in the name of social responsibility.
I could just cut the second paragraph and get right to the funny. This needs to be Diana's shining moment as a teacher, because she spends the rest of the story on the losing side and ends up quitting.
[This message has been edited by Tanglier (edited March 22, 2007).]
posted
There are a couple things I'd point to you in this fragment you've provided us. Brief is better. You're sentences are long and do little to enlighten or engages us.
Every word should have to justify its existence for furthering the plot, setting the tone, or telling us something critical about a character, event, or scene.
When you describe the temporary classroom I feel like I'm looking at a satelite photo of its position on the school campus. I do not, however get a feel for the ramshackle nature of the classroom. I don't feel the heat, or smell the pungent air.
I don't know what color the building is. Is the paint fresh, or old and peeling? In other words don't be too clinical in your descriptions. Don't describe the building, put me there in the sweltering humidity of a run down trailer with no air conditioning, a box that's more oven than building, and whose air is filled with thick stale odor of rot and mildew. If you do it right I should be able to almost taste the air if I were to draw a breath in through my mouth.
Reading should always be a visceral experience, and as writers that's what we should go for in telling our stories.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
